Dating: How often do you talk?

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Registered: 04-30-2007
Dating: How often do you talk?
5
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 12:01am
When you are first dating someone, how often do you talk to them (phone, text, e-mail, whatever) or see them in any given week?
I ask this because I have been dating this guy for ONE MONTH now....and we have been out maybe 1-2 times a week, maximum.
We harly EVER talk on the phone (maybe once a week for a few minutes, to plan the date) and he we will MAYBE text message a couple times back and forth once every few days. Maybe like 3 times in a week total.
He told me a couple weeks ago that he doesn't like/isn't good at talking on the phone, so that's why he doesn't call. But now that we have been dating for a month, and we have been intimate, I feel that we should be talking a bit more! We both agreed to go "slow" when we first met, but this is WAYYYY slow for me.
When we see eachother, he is great...but in the times apart, it seems he doesn't even miss me!!
If he really missed me, wouldn't he call/text? And I'm not expecting him to call and talk for hours--just a few minutes to check in.
And I know that we are still just "dating"-- at least neither one of us has initiated the "where is this going?" talk yet, and I don't want to be too forward and scare him off! I would rather let him pursue me...that's also why I haven't called him! I do occassionally text him first though!
My question is: when you have been dating for a month, how often should you talk to/see the person? Is he not very interested or what? I just wish he would show more interest and call/text me more. How can I tell if a man is TRULY interested in me?
any responses appreciated-
THANKS in advance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 7:27am

You don't mention whether or not you are exclusive, but this is the part of dating I don't like.

It's hard for us to tell you what is a good amount, since we're not you, and not dating him. I think the level of contact has to be something both people can live with. If you like to talk more, give him one friendly call, just to say "hi".

If you have discussed being exclusive, maybe you can simply tell him you miss him. Keep it light and friendly if you're worried about scaring him off.

Good luck, and I hope everyone else has ideas, too.

Moody, who thinks people should come with cue cards


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Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 9:17am

I've been dating my Hiker for over 1.5 yrs and we talk on the phone nearly every day, just to check in. But there have been times when we might go 3 days without talking if we're busy, and that's okay.

When we first started dating though- we agreed to take it slow. We wanted to establish a bit of a friendship first and didn't want to dive straight into something big- although we basically did start dating soon after meeting (meaning incorporating romantic gestures like kissing and holding hands, beyond being just-friends). But we didn't get sexually intimate until 2-3 months into our dating... and even that seemed a bit soon, but we were at a point when it was just right for us.

As far as talking goes though- in the beginning it might be a phone call every day at some times of the week, or 2-3 times a week at other times, depending on how busy we were. I NEVER called him and made HIM do all the calling... so that made the phone contact move along on "guy time", which meant it wasn't every single day. I think that can get to be a bit smothering... so I'm glad I let him make the moves and didn't bombard him the way I might've in the past if I didn't stick to that 'make him do the calling' rule. It worked for us. He kept calling, and I didn't come across needy. And really... I'm not needy now anyway- sometimes when he'd call, I wouldn't be able to answer and then I'd call him back the next day. But I just made sure I didn't act like I was stalking him with constant contact.

It just takes time for a relationship to build. Your relationship is pretty new... I think the amount of communication you guys have is fine. But that's because I'm okay with that amount of contact. If you really think you require more contact than that, and he doesn't understand it (or doesn't want that much)- then maybe you guys are not a good match for each other. But you won't know unless/until you talk to him about it.

Hey, you're close enough to be having sex, why can't you talk to him about the level/amount of communication that would keep you feeling like the relationship is working for you? Just let him know what you'd like, and see what he says is what he likes. And then see if you can compromise on something if you find that your communication/contact needs are really different from each other. But like I said- you won't know unless you talk to him about it. If he's 'into you' he would hopefully be okay with maybe calling more often, if he knew that would make you feel better about the relationship.

Hiker is not a big emailer. And I email people ALL the time. That was a HUGE adjustment for me when we first started dating because I would send him messages in email- and it might be DAYS before he would even check his email and see it. I used to end up asking him on the phone if he'd gotten my message and he'd always say "what message?" and that was totally annoying! And then his responses back to me would be short ones, rather that long ones I'd expect. But he would respond better in person or on the phone- just not in email. So I just learned that although I love using email for contact and checking up on his day... he doesn't, so I don't use that method of contact when communicating with Hiker. Emailing is still a big thing for ME, but it's just not a part of US.

You just have to know what level of contact you really want, and find out what level of contact he wants- and see if you can find a happy medium. Some people (both men and women) really enjoy having lots of calls or texting all day long. I couldn't handle that- I don't have the time! If a man wanted to call or text all day, I'd be telling him to 'chill'... because for me, a once-a-day or every other day phone call to keep in touch is enough. You just have to work out what would work for YOU TWO, because I don't think there is any rule that early dating contact has to be any certain amount.

Just because you guys check in 1-2 times a week doesn't mean he isn't interested. Hiker and I are comfortably settled and we STILL don't check in every single day or several times a day.

I hope some of this makes sense.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 11:54am

I have to agree with Shrimpy on this. You and your guy need to find a happy medium for both of you so that one doesn't feel neglected and the other doesn't feel overwhelmed.

In my past dating experiences, I have had guys call once a day just for a minute or two to say hi, see how I'm doing, etc., some to call during the day and then later that night after my DS went to bed call and talk for a bit longer, some guys have called every other day, some once in a while to set up a date. Trust me, it is frustrating in the beginning to get on that balance of contact because everyone is different.

Of course with the are we/aren't we exclusive thing, I think that makes a difference too. I find that once I go exclusive with someone, we end up talking more but still not always every day. Like Shrimpy said, I don't always have time to talk 5-6 times a day on top of seeing my guy too ('A', guy I just broke up with was like that--waaaay to suffocating for my tastes but that was how he was).

Good luck and let us know how things go!

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 12:27pm

In the beginning, he would call just about every other night. We e-mailed just about each day. Our first date was on a Sat., then out for dinner on Thursday and then another dinner date on that Sat. Our dates were generally driven by my custody schedule and his scheduling of sitters for his daughter. However, I would say that we averaged about 2x per week. After a few months, I would go over his house after his daughter was asleep (my kids had parenting time with their dad), so then it was about 3x per week.

After about a month we were e-mailing daily and talking on the phone OR seeing each other in person daily as well...However, I (and obviously him too), NEEDED that level of contact -- it worked for both of us.

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 2:08pm

No one could give a better answer, Shrimps, although all answers on here are quite good. That is what I love about this board. And your example of you and Hiker is quite good - I have an order in for one of those ;-)

To our original poster, browneyedmama2007, I think you are in one of the stickiest parts of dating because it is so new. Going slow for a guy means going slow to become emotionally attached - usually meaning in how much you see each other from the start. While going slow for a woman usually means with the intimacy - because that is what gets her emotionally attached quickly - sometimes too quickly.

Anyway, I think what Shrimps says is good - you have to wait and see and let the relationship develop - and then decide if what you want and need can be met by him and what he is willing and capable of giving.

I was married 10 years to a man who was not capable nor willing of giving me what I needed and it was very painful. I have healed from that and have also learned to not be quite as needy and to develop a lot more interests. So hopefully I do better the next time around.

I have admired Shrimps for her articulate posts, and for the example she sets that she keeps on going about her life with her priorities and is happy when she and Hiker can get together. She has not turned her world upside down.

I know you are new browneyedmama, but hopefully you can grasp what Shrimps has done and said - she has let her relationship develop slowly at its own pace. She has a good man. But she also has a good and fulfilled life.

Welcome, and good luck, and keep us posted!