Dating a man with a child

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Dating a man with a child
7
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:23pm

I was not quite sure which board I should post this to. I thought this forum might be my best start.

About a month ago, I started dating a man who is divorced with a four year old daughter. He has been divorced about a year and a half. We have only beeng dating a month and have discussed his daughter. She is really everything to him. He told me he does not introduce women he is dating to her. He only introduces women who are friends.

He usually has her one night during the week and every other weekend. Since it is the summer, his custody changes. He will have her for three weeks this month and two weeks more next month.

I am a child of divorced parents, and I no longer speak to my father. Because of my background, I understand how important it is for him to spend as much time with her as possible.

We joked the other night about how we probably can hang out again in late July. He said he might be able to get a sitter some night, but he had to work through things. Maybe we could meet over lunch.

I know we have only been dating a month. In the grand scheme of things, I am not a big priority. I do want to see him though. How do I tell him that I do want to spend time with him without making him feel guilty about taking time away from his child? Also, what kind of expectations should I have?

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:46pm

Since he made a decision to date then he should be aware that it'll take time and he may face the trade-off between dating and spending as much time with his daughter as possible.

I suggest that you use the "I" word rather than "you." Also let him come up with the solution on getting to see you more (or not). It is not up to you to figure out how he can schedule you and his daughter.

ex. I understand your duaghter is your first priority and I respect that. I also want to spend time with you in order for us to get to know each other better. Is there a way you can figure out how we can do that?

And then let him figure it out or not. You put in your request (not demand). Now the ball is in his court. It may help to be specific on how much time and what kind of time you want with him, e.g. once a week for the evening out. That is something concrete that he can work with rather than a nebulous request of having "more time together."
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 2:07pm

I'm now so hung up on this book (which I should have read before I started dating the loser), that I'm quoting it to everyone.

I understand your concern, and I realize it's difficult. But I have custody of my kids, and when they were young, I NEVER introduced them to my dates - yet I still managed to find time to date them. Four year old children go to bed early. There are sitters. There are playgroups...blah blah blah.

The bottom line is, if he WANTS to see you - he will find a way to see you. If he doesn't figure it out, well then, maybe it's not that important to him.

You said something that disturbs me...

"I know we have only been dating a month. In the grand scheme of things, I am not a big priority."

At only a month in, you should be a HUGE priority - he should be moving MOUNTAINS to not have to go five weeks without seeing you - doing anything in his power to avoid that. If you're not a big priority after a month, you're never going to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 2:21pm

Bravo to you for understanding that kids come first, and not pushing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 7:12pm

Hi there, and welcome. First of all, I like that his priorities seem straight.

I've nexted many single dads simply because they weren't the type of parents I would want to spend any amount of time with.

I think after a month, your expectations should be fairly low. Don't pressure him to get a sitter while he has his daughter- but if he suggests it, by all means go on a date. That way, if he does suggest it, you won't feel guilty for pressuring him into it.

Lunch isn't a bad idea, either- I love lunch dates. They're a great way to break up the day, and going back to work isn't nearly as bad if you have a great lunch.

What types of things do you normally do- when he doesn't have his child? after only a month, I think this might be good timing for you- it'll keep you from getting too close too soon, and it won't hurt either of you to miss each other a little.

Good luck, and I'm sure everyone will have great advice.

Moody, who likes that he's involved with his child's life


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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:36am

I love lunch dates too.

I think everyone had good valid points. A month isn't long, but I guess it depends how often you saw one another in that month. Sometimes a month can be a long time. In my past relationships I would see someone once a week or once a month. With M, I now see him 4-5 days the week. So by the time two months hits, it just seems a lot more intense and growing then it did with the one's I saw 4 times a month. I think you do need to find a balance and see if you can squeeze time in where it's possible. I would probably be more understanding of his time with his daughter, if she lived far away, but if he has custody of her every other weekend and one day the weekday, then I do not see the harm in having one night with you the week or every 10 days. He's probably very over protective of his little one, which is very understandable. However, I would hope that if he liked me enough, then he would try to compromise with you and find a good balance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:33pm

This is a good topic for another thread - how often to see the SO.

I think that the guy is overwhelmed right now with the idea of having his DD full time. But when she is there and settled in he will find the time to see you.

A 4 year old DD is very high maintenance. So you will have to consider that he will need a lot of time and energy for her when she is there. Also, that age tends to be overprotective of the parent and not open to change. I think lunch is great. Enjoy the time you will get to yourself and see this as a good opportunity to keep it slow at the beginning. Nothing bad ever comes of going too slow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 9:18am

Hey guys -

Thanks for the kind words. He has had his daughter for the last couple of days and is just so happy. I couldn't wish anything more for him. I told him I did want to see him, but I also told him that because of my background, I want him to spend as much time with her as possible.

Lunch date didn't work out this week. Both of us were just too busy at work.

He did say the other night that his ex-wife offered to babysit Sunday night, and he might want to go out, but he said he really wanted to play it by ear and see how that day goes. He doesn't know if he wants to give up the time with his daughter.

I do have to admit, we did have a conversation the other night about what exactly we were. He was very open and honest. Said he had issues, but he liked me, but he doesn't want me to wait around either. He needs to get some things fixed. It was a good talk.

He said he would have his daughter for most of July and by then would probably want a night out one weekend. He put it out there. So, I feel comfortable maybe asking him out next month. Honestly not trying to push anything now.