Dating a married man
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| Sun, 10-31-2004 - 7:06am |
I've never dated a married man before so my previous situation was different. I don't want to introduce my family and especially my children to a man with a wedding ring on his finger. I have told him this much. In fact, I don't really want to be seen at restaurants with him wearing a ring when it is obvious he is not my husband.
Anyway, he was coming to town yesterday and wanted to have lunch with me. I agreed, but told him that I had errands to run. He was in town for work so we agreed that he would call me when he was finished with his work. Well, I was out for 1 1/2 taking care of my business and had the girls in the car with me. When I turned the corner to my house, I saw his car sitting outside of my house. I could not believe he had come to my house! The only reason he even had my address is that he kept pushing for it a while ago so he could send me a card for my birthday.
I pulled into the back of my house and he followed me back there. I quickly sent the girls in the house. He said he was disappointed that he did not get a chance to meet them.
Okay, besides the fact that it is really cheesey to be dating a married man (I know this), what do I say to this guy who is wanting to parade our relationship to my family and friends and not his own?

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Why, if he is already married, does he want to have control over you too?
Kim
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I know that I should not be dating a married man. There is not excuse for it and I do believe in Karma. I was very upset to see him parked outside of my house. He had no right to be there. He knew I wasn't home yet because my car was not there. He is really into me and had even made a comment that he had to back away a little because he did not want to become too controlling. That was after he came to town one time and wanted to take me to dinner. It was in the middle of the week and he wanted me to meet him directly after work. I told him that I had to pick my daughter up from school and get them settled in and make sure they have their dinner before I go off eating a 5 star meal. He said he understood but he was also irritated. I reminded him that I am a single mother and my daughter especially is at an age where I need to really be hands-on. And I told him I would never go eat a nice meal and not make sure my kids are eating first. Here's the kicker. This guy is mega wealthy and I asked him for a loan so I could replace my furnace. He brought the money to me last week and I gave him a schedule of how I planned to repay him. He tore it up and refused to accept repayment. He was so happy that I asked him for the money. Then he said he was thinking about buying a condo in my city and wanted to know what I thought. I asked him if it was for investment and he said it was for him to set up a local office so he can expand his business in my city and also for me to have a place to get away. Okay, I'm no fool. I don't need to get away from my own home or my children. He has another wealthy married friend who has a girlfriend in my city. He has "purchase" a fabulous posh, posh house for her (bet her names not on the deed), put her in business and takes her on fabulous trips around the world. I am not a gold-digger. I think he sees our "relationship" going in this direction. Now after the furnace deal, he shows up at my house! I like him as a person, but there is no spark there and I don't have any desire for him to leave his wife. He has made it clear to me that he would not leave his wife and would never do anything to hurt his son (who is away in college). I guess I just got sucked into this because I was lonely.
I have told him in the past that I am very reserved with my children and I would not want them to know that I am seeing a married man. He had asked me once if I told my mom about him. I told him no. I told him that my mother would not approve of him. I guess I am just upset because he does not seem to think that my reputation in the eyes of my children is as important as his with his son (since I am single and he is married).
I guess the only real solution is for me to break it off with him. I just hope it is not too late and that he doesn't turn out to be a wacko--especially over this furnace.
Showing up at your house like that is very, very creepy. It would be one thing if you two were teenagers. Normal adults *DO NOT* show up on doorsteps like that....especially when you made it clear that you did not want him to meet your kids and you only gave him your address after a lot of pressure from him. I'd be extremely concerned about his interest in your daughter. Maybe he has a problem with kids. I've never known a man to be so anxious to meet the kids.
I hope you can get out of this relationship safely.
I agree that I should break it off with this man. My delimma is now that the furnace is installed, how do I cut him loose without really pissing him off. The timing sucks and honestly if it had not been for him showing up at my house yesterday, I probably wouldn't be ready to cut him loose right now. I've never asked a man for money before and only did so as a last resort. He absolutely wont let me pay him back and even refuses for me to buy lunch or dinner. Now, if I break it off with him right now, it will make me look suspect. I guess I can wait it out a while. He is really a nice person and I honestly don't think he is doing anything that he thinks is wrong, but this thing is sooo one-sided.
He is really high-profile in his city. He owns a lot of businesses and is a local politician. I don't think he would risk being exposed--especially since I am black and he is white. It wouldn't look very good in the headlines. But, I am also thinking that hmmm, if this man wanted to take me out, he's got all the money and power to do it. I am really stretching this out way too far, but this is how I've been thinking. I might be just blowing things out of proportion. I am just not used to being a mistress and it sucks!!
I appreciate that you all are reading. I needed to purge and I have absolutely no one to talk to about this whole deal. Ugggh!
I have met guys who had a record of child molestation when I checked them out. There are child molesters whose MO is to date the mom.
Regardless, he's too pushy by half for a single guy, let alone a married one. I'd call him a stalker already.
Anyway, you asked how to get out of this. I think I would be tempted to tell him I am getting back with my ex because of the kids. And offer to pay him back over time for the furnace. At the same time, I would try to have a male relative or friend start spending the night. He will probably be watching. I would also report this to the police.
I am sorry you have had to go through this so soon after your divorce but hope you have learned a lesson at the same time.
You need to get yourself out of this, and hopefully you'll learn to not get into a similar situation again.
I say, don't worry about what you look like. I would still pay him back. What I would do is send him payments via check, either to his home or one of his businesses. Keep a regular payment schedule and copy each check you send. Whether he chooses to cash the checks is his business, but you will at least be doing your part. I really think he has something up his sleeve. He is way to controlling. I dated a controlling man who turned abusive, and it was ugly to end it, but I am so glad I did. I agree that you should notify the police and ask them for extra protection. I notified my police department. But what you have to do is follow through. If he ever shows up at your house again, you have to take that step to call the police and then file a report. Because if you don't, they can't help you. Stalking laws are on your side, you just have to follow the proper procedures so that they can work for you. After you tell him you don't want to see him any more, change your phone number and get it unlisted so that the only way he can contact you is in person. And like I said, if he shows up at your house, call the police and follow through.
No matter how you feel about this man, please get out of this now before someone gets hurt. It won't be easy, but it is well worth it. I have never regretted what I did. Good luck and please keep us posted.
Donna
Being a survivor of a bad marriage and infidelity, I can honestly say that it offends me that people will consciously go ahead and see a man or woman that is married. But if I go into my feelings on this, we'll be here all day. She needs to get out of this NOW!
Mel
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