Dating a married man

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Dating a married man
14
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 7:06am
I am dating a married man who lives in another city. He is insisting on me telling my friends and family about him and has even asked about when he can meet my children (since he knows the last man I was dating met my friends and family). They know I go out to lunch or dinner with someone named "Don," but they don't know anything else really.

I've never dated a married man before so my previous situation was different. I don't want to introduce my family and especially my children to a man with a wedding ring on his finger. I have told him this much. In fact, I don't really want to be seen at restaurants with him wearing a ring when it is obvious he is not my husband.

Anyway, he was coming to town yesterday and wanted to have lunch with me. I agreed, but told him that I had errands to run. He was in town for work so we agreed that he would call me when he was finished with his work. Well, I was out for 1 1/2 taking care of my business and had the girls in the car with me. When I turned the corner to my house, I saw his car sitting outside of my house. I could not believe he had come to my house! The only reason he even had my address is that he kept pushing for it a while ago so he could send me a card for my birthday.

I pulled into the back of my house and he followed me back there. I quickly sent the girls in the house. He said he was disappointed that he did not get a chance to meet them.

Okay, besides the fact that it is really cheesey to be dating a married man (I know this), what do I say to this guy who is wanting to parade our relationship to my family and friends and not his own?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 5:29pm
Wow, this certainly is intriguing. I came in late on the discussion so I have very little to add, I agree this guy sounds creeeepy and if the only reason you are hanging on is because you owe him money, I say run like the wind. You owe it to yourself and your daughters to make wiser choices.

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 5:15pm
Well, I will HAVE to agree- RUN!

I don't know why you're troubling yourself over this, you said it yourself, he's the one interested, you're not. Why do I get the feeling that he pursued things with you and you gave in to his constant pressure because you're too nice to say no?

Don't worry about what it *looks* like, chances are he hasn't told anyone about you except for that guy he knows who also has a mistress. So when you end things, tell him that you will be paying him back for the furnace. I would suggest giving him a bunch of post dated cheques so you don't have to see him again.

Good luck

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 5:52pm
"Why do I get the feeling that he pursued things with you and you gave in to his constant pressure because you're too nice to say no?"

Alison,

Yes, this is also what is going on. Thanks to all for the advice. I will be coming back in a few days to give the update on what happens between us. I am going for broke here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 2:28am
Lexie,

I am trying to come from a place of understanding because at one point in my life I too dated a married man, though I did not know it at the beginning I eventually figured ti out. So since I can't judge you because I have been through it myself. Sure its not the exact same scenario, however, I can still relate. Why? Because it did not make me feel good. Though the married man I did date did not go around wearing his wedding ring, he did not want to meet and expect to meet any of my friends unless I wanted him to. What was most important to him and me is that we both felt good, comfortable, safe and equal in a relationship. But how can all that happen when one is married? It can't....one person, usually the single available person would feel cheated. I did. I did and knew it...so it took time and built up resentment for me to end it. By the way, end it several times because we had a wonderful close relationship together. If you can call that when there is limited time, limited space, limited in all ways when one is married to someone else. So the bottom question...why settle for thatf? Why put yourself through something (dating ) that isn't the fullest it can be in all areas. (emotional, physical, mental,availabity, and time and space with each other ) of course unless that's really what you want in a dating situation. From what I read, it seems that you are ashamed that he is married and embarrassed and ashamed to share this with friends and family. Maybe your having a great time with him now, but it just seems like in the long run you might actually being hurting yourself instead. Feeling good about yourself is important and it doesn't sound like you feel good about this if your hiding it. Last but not least, why does he expect you to be open about him yet I don't hear that he is going to his wife, friends and family to let them know he is having an affair. Hmmm....sounds quite unequal doesn't it?

I hope you will find the right answers for YOU. Take care of you and your girls...

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