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| Mon, 03-06-2006 - 6:27pm |
hello everyone,
new to this so bear with me. first off, i am recently seperated going through divorce. im 22 and have a 3 year old daughter. so i put a profile on match.com about 2 months ago and have plenty of hits but nothing promising. then i got a hit from WIll. we talked on the phone for 2 weeks and sometimes until early morning hours. we finally decided to meet in person last sunday, Feb. 26 and hit it off so well. we met again the next day and had lunch and a movie. then wednesday he called me(he calls me everyday to say hi cute or what?) and asked me if i could come spend the night with him that night, he lives 90 miles away. so i asked my mom if she could babysit and i went. we layed in his bed and talked until 2 am and then i left thursday afternoon. now i spent the night again this past saturday and things got pretty steamy. i really wanted to just go for it. but then i realized that i still have the body of a woman that gave birth. i have stretch marks on my thighs, my stomach and my thighs and belly still show signs of bigness. so i am very self cautious about that and hate to think that he will see them and just run. he knows about my daughter and i have lost 32 pounds in the last 5 months to get me down to 148. i look great all except those areas and i am so nervous. i am going to be spending the night this coming saturday and getting so crazy. plus theres the fact that i am not very adventurous in the bedroom. i gag just brushing my teeth and threw up the last time i tried to give a blow job and with the way my body is, i dont experiment like i should. my first time with a guy at all was with my husband. so i am at my wits end and need so much advice its sickening. anything will help. other stretch marked woman with words of wisdom??? thank you for your time.
new to this so bear with me. first off, i am recently seperated going through divorce. im 22 and have a 3 year old daughter. so i put a profile on match.com about 2 months ago and have plenty of hits but nothing promising. then i got a hit from WIll. we talked on the phone for 2 weeks and sometimes until early morning hours. we finally decided to meet in person last sunday, Feb. 26 and hit it off so well. we met again the next day and had lunch and a movie. then wednesday he called me(he calls me everyday to say hi cute or what?) and asked me if i could come spend the night with him that night, he lives 90 miles away. so i asked my mom if she could babysit and i went. we layed in his bed and talked until 2 am and then i left thursday afternoon. now i spent the night again this past saturday and things got pretty steamy. i really wanted to just go for it. but then i realized that i still have the body of a woman that gave birth. i have stretch marks on my thighs, my stomach and my thighs and belly still show signs of bigness. so i am very self cautious about that and hate to think that he will see them and just run. he knows about my daughter and i have lost 32 pounds in the last 5 months to get me down to 148. i look great all except those areas and i am so nervous. i am going to be spending the night this coming saturday and getting so crazy. plus theres the fact that i am not very adventurous in the bedroom. i gag just brushing my teeth and threw up the last time i tried to give a blow job and with the way my body is, i dont experiment like i should. my first time with a guy at all was with my husband. so i am at my wits end and need so much advice its sickening. anything will help. other stretch marked woman with words of wisdom??? thank you for your time.

Welcome!! Of course we have advice - by the bucketload here!! All sorts of women from all walks with all experiences - all good stuff.
Anyway, the advice I have for you may not be exactly what you are looking for - but will do my best to help the most as I see fit.
First of all, you are going from the fire into the frying pan. It is okay to want to date before you are divorced - but make sure you try to keep it casual and try to get everything settled from the divorce first. Give yourself a chance to recover and make a life as a single person. This way you will not feel needy and you will make better decisions with regards to who you date and what behavior you will tolerate.
I feel that you are putting way too much of an emphasis on how HE will feel about you instead of whether or not he measures up to what you need and want. For example, do you know and care if he is seeing and sleeping with other women? If he is on match you can bet he is in contact with some! Has he stated that he wants to see you exclusively? And do you know if he wants a relationship? How are you going to feel if he never calls again after sex because you suddently got too attached and he doesn't want what you want?
I kind of think from reading your letter that you are being pushed along a little too fast in the intimacy department. You deserve nothing less than to feel very loved and confident not scared that he won't like stretch marks or your technique. The right one for you will make you feel like a queen on all of these fronts.
I urge you to reconsider the weekend and explain your true thoughts. Know what you want and what he wants. You are very volatile right now - more so than what you realize. Just make sure you have a good reality check on what is going on before you leap.
Okay - so you did ask about stretch marks...... So I will tell you what I would do - I would find something to wear that feels flattering. Something a little see-through - but still covering a little bit. You can also explain that you have not had much experience post baby and would like to have the lights out and go slow. Ask him to teach you what he likes.
You are lucky that your mom will help babysit. And it is good that he is calling every day. Keep us posted - we are always here no matter what you decide.
I urge you to read the other posts here and join in with your thoughts. You will learn a lot from the others here, as I have.
I hope this helps - I hate to lecture but I have been in your shoes and have learned the hard way to go slow and negotiate what I want and what is right for me.
Precious,
Welcome to the board.
Hey There!
I have to agree with the others as well....I can also see where you're coming from with your body. Having two children of my own (of course I'm much older than you) my body has 'battle scars' as well. There are times where I still feel uncomfortable about them, but then once there is that level of respect and trust between the two of you, all that kind of disapears. I do feel that you should go slow in the way of your heart. Try not to get too caught up with this one. He sounds nice from what you've written, but I have to agree with the other ladies..if he is on Match, then he is probably actively dating others, and having your heart/ego broken at this point, is NOT the in the best interest for YOUR health and head. I know what divorce does to a woman, as all the others do here..You want to feel pretty and wanted and sexy and accepted by another man since you've been rejected from the one you were married to, but if you do go into this adventure (believe me, I'm always up for an adventure, that's probably why I get into so much trouble) see to it that you HEAD knows that's all that it is. Get something out of it for YOU not just making sure his needs are met.. Remember, this is supposed to fufill your needs too. Who knows, maybe he won't be that good either..;) I have to agree to the fullest with the last post when she said that neither one of you should be very experienced in the intimacy department...and if he is, he's a DAWG, and let him go.
By the way, CONGRATULATIONS on the weight loss! Losing that baby weight can be very tough, and you are looking good! :)
I hope I haven't come across too strongly, I just hope you go into this with the fun and lightness that it should be taken.
Take care of YOU! Keep us posted!
Lisa
I have a condition called hypotrophic scarring. Anytime I get stitches of any sort my scars puff and expand. I have 2 that continue to grow and one of them starts between my breasts and goes straight down past my belly button (I am actually getting this fixed on Friday) My reason for sharing is that I would never get naked or allow a man to touch that area unless I was sure he was not the kind of man who cared about that. I told my current boyfriend before sleeping with him. He didn't seem to care. I also new my bf for 8 months before I slept with him.
My point is, don't sleep with him until you are sure he wants you for you. For who you are and what you have to offer emotionally. If he is connected to you on that level then he won't care what your body looks like. If he does, he is a superficial jerk and do you really want to date a guy like that?
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Well, now that you have all of these questions in your head they will want to come out. Bring them up as you can in the course of a day or a conversation. The actual plans for the weekend are probably enough - ask him when you are on the phone or in person discussing your plans.
But yes - you need to know where you stand with him and what you both want before you become intimate. Absolutely yes on this issue!!!
Good luck and keep us posted!
Mandy,
Having great chemistry is wonderful, but you do need to be cautious with your heart and your health.
Let me give you some of mybackground: seperated for 18 months, divorce will be finalized in April (Thank you very much!) I despise my ex. I hope that will one day go away completely and I notice as time goes on it gets better.
I am not there in your relationship so I am not sure how much each of you has shared. I'm not telling you to not spend the night but I warn you, sleeping over heavily increases the odds of "IT" happening.
I really wouldn't say too much at this time. I think my only comment to him would be: "I really enjoy your company. I have such a great time when I am with you. I do prefer that we take this relationship slow and get to know each other and build a great friendship. I want to keep dating you and it's very important to me that I get to know as much about you as possible. I am very attracted to you, it's just that I want to take things slow in that department. How do you feel about that?" Then be very quiet and do not help him answer. Wait and allow him to tell you how he feels. Take it slow. If he treats you like a princess then he will respect your feelings.
When the time came to tell bf about my scars I showed him the pictures of my car from the automobile accident. I then explained that I had surgery and sutures (sp?) Two of the scars from the accident are on my arms. So I showed those to him and explained I had emergency exploratory surgery and have a similar type scar down the center of my body (had my spleen removed) The top of the scar looks like a mushroom cap. He just looked at me and said "why are you telling me this?" I was honest and told him that it bothered me. It was the reason I didn't wear bikinis or tops that expose my stomach. I just wanted him to know that as our relationship progressed sexually that I was somewhat uncomfortable with that aspect of my body. When the time came he could have cared less and told me over and over how beautiful I was and how sexy my body was. Of couse he's blind ;.) Anyway, I am finally seeing a plastic surgeon on friday to get them fixed. Hopefully it will work.
I think the biggest advice I have to give is: work on yourself. Feel better about yourself. Lose whatever weight you feel you need to lose and get in shape. It will increase your energy and give you lots of positive feelings. I joined Weight Watchers to lose the last 20 lbs of the 60 I gained while pregnant. I work out and I feel a lot better about myself. It made me feel less insecure about the scars. I believe it will make you feel less insecure about the stretch marks. If they still bother you, see a doctor and ask what they can do. Maybe a tummy tuck? I am a firm believer in doing whatever it takes to feel good about your body.
As a side note, I am glad I knew my bf as well as I did. I am having the best sex of my life. Being treated like a princess in and out of the bedroom is very invigorating!