Dating an old friend.................

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Dating an old friend.................
9
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 1:51pm

Hello out there.....I have never done the message board thing, so here goes....
I have been separated for over a year. Hopefully my divorce will be final soon.
Last August, completely out of the blue, an old friend of mine kissed me. It surprised him too. He had recently separated from his wife. So we were both really going through it.....
( I know, I know). He and I have always been good friends.....a lot in common. We decided that we would see each other with no expectations, just have some fun. The sex was amazing!! We also agreed that we shouldn't tell anyone about our new found relationship because of our kids.
Long story short...it's been 8 months and we are still seeing each other. He doesn't want me to see anyone else, he calls me every day..he wants to see me (even if we don't have sex).at least 4 times a week. We like all the same things.....but he keeps referring to our arrangement as "just hanging out" He occasionally refers to me as his girlfriend. For a long time I didn't mind this...I didn't want to jump into anything serious. I just wanted to see where this new/old friendship would take us.

I told him the other night that I hang out with a lot of people, but I don't have sex with them. He seemed to take it in stride and has continued to want my company.
I want to tell him I love him...but I am afraid to. I am ready for the next level, but I don't know whether he is. I am too old for the guessing games....I don't want to push him into a corner either. I really would like to feel free to express my feelings...don't want to ruin what I have though.........
Should I wait for him to say it, or forge ahead?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 2:10pm

First, WELCOME!!!


Your dilema is a tough one...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 2:48pm

Hi, new life... Welcome to this fabulous board of phenomenal women (and Mark & a few other guys too!)!


I am usually a lurker and rarely post, but your message was very thought provoking for me. I have had similar experiences where I was afraid to express how I felt. In the end not revealing my true feelings caused me far more anguish than the few scary moments of laying it all out there.


My recommendation would be to express it in a very non-confrontational way with little or no expectations from the other person. Just be true to your feelings and tell him, I want to share what I'm feeling about you, us, our relationship (what ever words work best for you).


In my experience, the other person may not reciprocate (yet or at all) the same feelings but trying to second guess and drive yourself nuts about it doesn't work. It often usually causes friction and stresses the relationship too. Be true to yourself first, and after 8 months, if you're ready, you're ready!


The second piece of advice I have is to Listen to Your Gut -- it's usually right on! Sometimes we're in denial because we want something so badly to be exactly how we want it. If you have a niggling little feeling that it's not the right time, you may want to clarify for yourself why that is first. Maybe a discussion about where the relationship is headed, is in order before saying ILY's...


good luck and let us know how it goes and what you decided to do in the end :)


Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 3:01pm

So what comes to mind is what do you mean by "next level?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 4:22pm

"Maybe a discussion about where the relationship is headed, is in order before saying ILY's..."

I agree with this point - are you both still married or now divorced? Separated is a risky thing in my opinion because you go through so much after a divorce. I am not sure if more time is needed for things to settle in. I would have a talk about what the relationship means to him before I worried about saying ILY.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 9:34pm

Welcome to the board.


"I am ready for the next level, but I don't know whether he is."


What is the next level for you?


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 9:58pm

Hi there,
Your advice sounds a lot like my inner voice. I never really classified what is happening with my friend (what else to call him?)and I. We agreed to let it be casual in the beginning, but I hated the term FWB. Very early on he admitted feeling a real connection between us. I felt it too. I had honestly thought about breaking off the romance angle because I didn't think he felt the same way, and I was getting attached. After he told me how he felt, we both decided that we didn't want to stop seeing each other.

We are both going through a divorce. I know everyone is groaning..... but....
we have a history. We have known each other for over 18 years and have been good friends. Never in a million years would I have imagined that we would end up seeing each other. We are so comfortable together. We have many of the same interests, and most of the time it is really about companionship ( but the passion is there too). He wants me to do things with him all the time..even the very mundane things are fun with him. We still haven't involved our kids. We have talked, and agreed that we need to see where it goes before we share this with anyone.
My divorce is more complicated than his, because my ex was abusive. My friend worries that he will interfere in his life. A couple of months ago, he pulled away from the relationship. He told me a few weeks later that this was because of my ex. He came back though, and we haven't stopped since. I want to add, that my husband never violently beat me or anyone else, but he was very abusive and took drugs.
We have been in the process of a divorce for over a year and a half. Both our marriages have been over for a very long time....his wife cheated on him 3 times before he finally called it quits....
We both tried to stay married so that our kids wouldn't suffer financially.
There..Whew!!!!
I suppose I would like to tell him how I feel because I hate holding back, and I am waiting until our divorces are final so we can breathe a little. We are very supportive of each other through all this, but don't get overly involved.
I guess I just want some assurance that I am not the " Good enough for now Girlfriend" and he won't drop me when something better comes along. Also, I am not getting any younger, and I have passed up opportunities to see other men to stay in this relationship.
I don't really want to see anyone else.... This is the first relationship I have ever had with a man that I have so much in common with. It is like we are the same person.
I guess I've got it bad.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 10:07pm
I suppose the next level for me is simple. I just want to feel free to express myself and tell him how I feel. I don't have any expectations for the future...I just want things to stay the way they are while letting him know how I feel about him. Of course, I don't want to be rejected....who does?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 10:33pm

For right now, if I was you, I would pull back just a little so you don't feel this overwhelming attachment and worry about saying ILY and stuff like that.

You both do have to get through your divorces and to safe ground before it can go further. Give it time and space - good love never hurries.

Try to focus on other things and activities and do not see him or talk to him too much - that is what fuels your attachment and feelings.

Because if you go TOO MUCH TOO FAST TOO SOON right now you risk totally losing it for good - that is never fun when someone overwhelms the other person - for either side - so don't go there. Just be careful, go slow and enjoy what you have while you have it.

There is no guarantee with any relationship really - if that was the case you would not be getting a divorce. But if you give a relationship space and time, very good things can happen.

It is nice that you two have that history. How long before you can get your divorce final? I think you should concentrate on getting that done - at least for everything in your power - and getting your life stable. Then the rest will follow suit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 7:58am

It sounds like he is a little unsure of what he wants. He wants to see you with no expectations but also was you exclusively even though his marriage is not final. I am old school and learned the hard way. I believe in taking a year off from committed relationships after ending a marriage. This doesnt mean I dont think you should date. But once you start talking exclusive and the L word then it has become a relationship.


I agree with the others. A talk about where this relationship is headed might help.


I am always reluctant to say the L word and have never been the first to say it because I feel like I am putting my heart on the chopping block.


Laurie

anonymous