Dating Question: Financially Stable?
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Dating Question: Financially Stable?
| Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:11pm |
Okay, it seems that lately I've been corresponding and meeting men who are either having financial difficulties and/or extreme cases??
I don't like to question men as if they are going on a job interview, but any suggestions on how I can find out where a person stands financially without blatantly asking him??
It's so unfair and I hate to sound shallow. It seems you have to wait just to find someone you are remotely interested in and then you do, and then find out they have no money to take you out on dates!
I'm an African-American, and I wonder if other races have this issue much.

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I didn't date the two guys you did, so I can't really speak for them, but just from what you say, something doesn't add up with the first one, but the second one seems to actually be working and going to school and trying to make something of himself. With four kids, he's probably paying a lot out for child support, so that's probably where a lot of his money goes.
My point is more like this: The guy I dated, John, had just started his own business in a field he had worked in all of his life. Things were going well, but due to having to shell out a lot of money up front for equipment and so forth, he had taken a second mortgage on his house, and he was only drawing a salary of what he absolutely had to have to live in order to build the business. Included in what he had to live was his child support and the money he needed to pay bills. That didn't leave much over to go out to eat, go to shows, or spend on me. I didn't mind, because he was a great guy and I could tell he had his head screwed on straight. The reasons we broke up had nothing to do with money or lack of it, and ironically, about the time we broke up, his business was really taking off and he was actually making good money.
My ex, on the other hand, would be glad to take you to the best resturant in town, take you to the most expensive concert of the year, and then take you to an exclusive and pricey coffee bar for dessert afterwards. He might invite you over to his 2400 square foot house on the hill with the gourmet kitchen (and the 1200 square foot garage with its own separate heat and ac), which is in foreclosure for the third time in four years, driving you there in one of his three vehicles, two of which are in his mother's name (so are all his utilities, after he had them in his best friend's name and they were turned off for non-payment, but that's another story) and vould probably buy you a really nice gift for your birthday, seeing as how he's over $15k behind on his child support. He also has plenty of brand new credit cards, because his old ones were wiped out in his bankruptcy, and he is taking full advantage of all the offers he receives in the mail to rebuild his credit. You just have to learn to ignore the phone calls he gets that he has to take outside, the times that he disappears for several hours without explanation, and the $500 that disappeared out of the checking account over the weekend that he can't acount for. But when you get home from the third job you took to help him pay all his bills (he can't work more than one job, his job is too high stress and he's too tired when he gets home) he will be glad to take you out to eat and pay for it with your credit card.
Which one would you want to date - the one who spends money on you, or the one who doesn't?
Kelly
There is no way to know for sure from the start. I do agree with others as far as own/rent, spending habits, etc.
Attitude about money and finances is important. I don't consider monetary wealth as important as a general sense of responsibility, integrity and happiness. It seems to me that if someone is generally happy with how they are, then they are not trying to buy it. And if they are responsible they won't sidestep fiscal responsibility.
I think you have to be aware of money attitude - and look for someone with near-same values. You just have to listen to your gut.
If someone is flamboyant with money that might not be good for me. I would rather someone who scrimps on some things to make more important things possible. You can gather these tips by talking about vacations, how you picked that car, how do you shop for cars, etc.
I once dated a guy who came from a very wealthy family. He owned his own condo, 2 cars and a business. He was frugal with most purchases. That sounds like a good catch, doesn't it?
6 months into the relationship I discovered that he thinks it is okay for him to have a lot more debt than assets and live really on the edge - this is because he is in denial of the fact that his business isn't really a success and has been this way for years. I consider that a huge risk for me and the straw that broke the camel's back is that he wanted to borrow money from me to cover a small overdraft in his checking account.
Needless to say I am not with him.
I have worked very hard to get where I am at. And I want to stay there or move forward. I think you are wise to make money a priority in finding a soul mate. Keep looking and don't give up hope.
I think you did the right thing by not seeing these guys again. They had red flags and issues going on that you didn't want to deal with.
I am always leary of men who do not have a stable living situation or ones who have dreams of going back to school this late in the game.
You can find a great guy who has his life in order and is looking for a woman to share life with.
I don't think it's ever too late to start over if that is what you want, go for it.
That is great for her. But, I would not date a man who was 44 years old without a real job and going back to school. I wouldn't even consider it until he was out and successful at his new career.
That's just me. I have my ducks in a row and expect a man to be the same way.
44 is NOT too late to go back to school, but based upon my post, a 44 year old man with no real job and his living situation is shady and plus has 4 children (the youngest being 6 mos), come on give me a break. It already would be a sacrifice to go back to school, but I think he has other things that need attention first!! Let's not forget he is seeking a relationship too! Sorry, not a situation I'm comfortable with!!
My mother went back to school in her late 40s and finished with her Doctorate in Education. Yes it can be done, but her circumstances were nothing compared to the guy I posted about!
Oh dear - that situation would not work for me. And that is the important thing - you have to look at a situation for yourself and make sure it is okay.
A 6 month old is so young - what happened to the mom?
X-girlfriend lives in the area. Apparently they were breaking up, although they had sex, and boom a child!
You know a lot of it with me is not so much the current circumstances (although these scenarios were extreme IMO), but their attitude, lack of judgment and choices they make!! How are you financially struggling but you out there making babies! Heck you that broke you can't afford condoms????
I met another 43-year old guy just last week and we were chatting and he shared that he had 4 children -- not from his wife who he divorced -- but from a woman who basically they were on and off again FWB, but each breakup produced a child, the last being twins 5 years ago. Ask me his profession? A School Bus Driver. Do the math!! I told him I am not interested.
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