Dating question (long)
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| Wed, 04-27-2005 - 6:58pm |
HI. I am new here, but I was looking to maybe get some advice. I've been seeing a guy for 6 months now. Now I am 23 and a single mom of a 13 month old, she was 7 months at the time. He knew this from our first conversation and was fine with that. He's 28 and we met through mutual friends at a halloween party. We would talk on the phone for 4-6 hours the first few weeks getting to know eachother. I found out pretty early on that he had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship about a month or two before he met me. I asked if he was sure he was ready to be dating and he said yes.
Well about a month later his ex came back around trying to get back together with him. He told me he had no interest in getting back with her (she was awful to him) but at the same time he didn't know if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't want to lead me on, so he didn't think we should see eachother for now. I told him that was fine, I understood, and then we continued to talk for a couple hours. Well, a few days later he called me that he wished he wouldn't have said that, he thought he overreacted and that he would like to continue to see me and just take things slow and see how they progress. For about a month or so I was never the one to call him or ask to see him. He called me every day and we saw eachother every weekend. Finally things started to progress and when someone asked him if we were an item he smiled and said yeah. He is amazing with my little girl. He has invited me over to his brother's house(who's married with 2 kids) a number of times with my daughter and they adore her and we all have a lot of fun.
Well out of the blue he started acting distant like something was bothering him. For the first time he started getting short with me and after about a week I finally asked him if he was okay with the way things were between us. Thats when I discovered that he was worried that I was looking for someone to support me and my daughter because he wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility (he just finished school and is trying to get certifications and his career started and move out of his parent's house) He also said he was worried that since he can't give me 100% right now since he has other things he's trying to accconplish that I was going to assume he didn't want to see me.....blah blah blah. Anyhow, I explained to him that I am in school and I am not looking for a marriage or anything like that right now and that my daughter has a father whom she spends time with. I also explained that I am just looking for someone who wants t be with me but that I understand that he has other things going on right now and I don't take it personal if he's busy one weekend. I told him if he didn't have feelings for me than to tell me, but if that wasnt it then I was fine. He said he did have feelings for me and we left it at that. Well that was all about 2 or 3 weeks ago and things have been good since then, but my problem is that I don't know how he feels about me. I worry that he doesn't like me as much as I think he does and that he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I so badly want to ask him how he feels about me but I don't want to be the "annoying" girl. He really has a hard time talking about his feelings. When we see eachother we're very affectionate and joke around and have a lot of fun, but then I feel like I am always the one to call him and he just likes having me around when it's convenient. I don't know, I have always had issues with insecurities, but I have also told him that I can will be patient and we can take things slow....my problem is that I have very deep feelings for him and I know that we are on different pages, emotionally. Should I even think of asking him how he feels about me or will that be a death wish on our relationship? If you even made it this far, thank you!!! I know it's long but I need to hear some feedback.
~Melissa

Melissa,
If you can't ask someone how they feel about you without killing the relationship, then you don't have a relationship to begin with.
I haven't started dating yet since my divorce so dating as a single mother is still unexplored territory for me. However, I think it is safe to say that this guy does a lot of pulling and then pushing away. Don't you want someone who really wants you, instead of someone who just isn't sure? One more thing, and I may be wrong on this, but he sounds a bit immature. He is suddenly resentful because of the burdens placed on him to support you and your child when you- apparently- gave him no such demand. Someone who is so fearful and unable to communicate and doesn't know what he wants needs time to grow up. I think you'd be more of a mommy to him than a girlfriend. If anyone has to worry about supporting someone else, it may be the other way around.
Many of the other ladies here have actually dated :) and I'm sure will be able to give you some tailored advice.
Amy
Melissa,
I agree with Amy that if you can't discuss your relationship, then you don't have one.
The guy sounds like he's finding excuses to get out of the "relationship" you two are in. He's KNOWS it's hogwash that you're "looking for someone to support you and your daughter", but he's going to brainwash himself into that because he can.
You sat down, you asked him what was wrong, you talked things out and things got better, right? So what's the problem?
You need to sit back and enjoy things a little more, rather than worrying about what he's thinking all the time.
Alison
It sounds like he calls all the shots. For the first month or so, he was the only one making the phone calls. You don't want to discuss your feelings because you don't want to be "annoying". You describe yourself as insecure.
You're not annoying or insecure. You're with a man who is emotionally unavailable to you and most likely a lost cause. You can wait around on him, wondering what he'll do, wondering what you're doing wrong, or what you could do better. You'll feel worse and worse about yourself. Martyr yourself.
Or, you can listen to the message he's sending. He can't give you what you want right now. (forget the financial support stuff, that's not what you really want). He can't give you a relationship. That's what you want and he can't give it to you.
Walk away from this one. You won't feel a bit insecure if you're with a man who thinks the world of you. You'll be free to be yourself and know that you're loved and not ever viewed as annoying.
When I first started dating my current boyfriend, he told me I could call him whenever I wanted and he meant it. One day, I was sort of joking around and called him three times in a row. I told him I was testing the "call anytime" rule. He loved it. I could call him right now at work and it wouldn't annoy him. He'd be delighted. Look for that sort of man.
YOUR VERY TRULY,
SONYA mommy to beloved son,"K".
I agree with this post.
I think your bf has waffled too many times - time to give him the write off.