Dating Rules -- From a Man's Perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Dating Rules -- From a Man's Perspective
33
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 6:01pm

This is a "to do" list for women who aren't meeting the guys they want to meet, either the quantity of guys or the quality of guys that make them happy. If you are happy with what you are getting, then good for you. Don't change a thing. If you are going to gripe about players, flakey guys, guys who only love the chase, guys who only want sex, and all the rest, then do these things and you will have more shots at more good guys than you will know what to do with.

1. If you are not happy with your physical appearance then hit the gym and fix it.

2. Be open to meeting guys ANYWHERE. On the street, at the grocery store, at the mall, at the bank, wherever. Realize that we do not require to be all dressed up in club gear for us to be attracted to you. You look better than you think in the sweats and ball cap you wore to run to the grocery store for your Ben & Jerry's pint fix.

3. Be approachable. How? Lose the "I am about to crap a watermelon" look on your face. Look pleased to be alive if not happy to be where you are. Stop making such an intensive study of the floor tiles. Look around, see who is around. Don't be afraid to make eye contact.

4. Speaking of eye contact, when you make it and glance away instantly we guys will often think "Oh, she definitely does not want me walking over there." If you do it a second time, we will often be sure of that assessment. When you make eye contact, make it for an extended period of time. Shoot for 5 seconds. Yes, you can do this in line at the bank. Be sure to include some kind of smile that we can actually see and isn't hidden behind your hair that falls in your face as you rapidly whip your head away and out of eye contact.

5. Speaking of hair, don't cut it short. There is a thread on this now. Read it and understand it.

6. Dress however the guy you want to meet would like to see a woman dress, not just how you think guys in general want women dressing. If you want a guy that likes women dressed in jeans and ball caps, then wear that. If you want a guy that like women dressed in hooker gear, then wear that. You will be choosing what you attract.

7. You know how you go into a social event and within moments 4 guys have sloppily tried to hit on you and now you are all annoyed at men in general? Lose the attitude. The guy playing pool with his buddies who you might like to talk to has watched all this and can see that you are now pissed off and isn't going to bother. He's having more fun shooting pool than he would have dealing with your aggravation.

8. Even if you stay upbeat that guy may assume that you are through listening to guys for the night. If you think you might like to talk to him, go say hello. It does not make you a skank. If a guy does think it makes you a skank, then he's a dumbass and you don't want to talk to him anyway.

9. You are allowed to initiate conversation or approach men. It does not make you a skank. If a guy does think it makes you a skank, then he's a dumbass and you don't want to talk to him anyway.

10. Society does not say that women cannot be aggressive. WOMEN say that women cannot be aggressive. This does not turn most guys off. It WILL turn off the players who just love the chase. Guess what that makes them? A dumbass, and you don't want to talk to him anyway.

11. Just because you approached or asked out one guy, or even two, and it did not result in a whirlwind romance with Prince Charming worthy of a fairy tale publication and a Sunday evening miniseries does not mean that doing such things does not work. It just means that you are dealing with people and people don't always "click." Deal with it.

12. You can meet good guys in bars. You just have to cut past the 4 players who roll up in the first two minutes. The good guys are shooting pool or talking with friends while the vultures are descending when you walk in the door.

13. The Man-fairy is not going to deliver a guy to your doorstep and ring the bell. If you want to meet more guys, you have to leave the house. Yes, I know it was a long week at work. Yes, I know you have plants to repot and knitting to do and your wine glasses all need polishing. Yes, I know you have saved all those Extreme Home Makeover episodes on your TiVo. Skip it. The men are all out there at the bars, bookstores, running clubs, and coffee shops of the world. If you only socialize once a month beyond your weekly trip to blockbuster then not meeting guys is your own fault.

14. Yes, you can meet good guys at the gym. It is just very hard to do so when you never take off your iPod headphones.

15. Attach no significance to when a guy calls. Just about everyone has some silly rule about how many days to wait before calling. Most of them have no bearing on what the guy is really thinking, other than that he is guessing at which "rule" you believe in. As long as he hasn't waited so long that it is rude, don't sweat it.

16. If you are not interested, don't give a guy your number and then blow him off. It is just rude and you WILL develop a reputation.

17. Take some risks. Go talk to that guy. It isn't as hard as it looks and getting shot down is better than never knowing. It is better than kicking yourself all the way home over why he didn't come talk to you.

18. If a guy acts like a jerk, he IS a jerk. You can't change him, tame him, or anything like that and there is no prize for playing that game. Just a lot of heartache and baggage to carry to the next guy until you make yourself totally undateable.

19. If you are talking to a guy and getting good vibes but he just isn't "closing the deal" (asking for your number, etc), realize that he might be having trouble with your signals. Either amp up the signals or just offer your number. See what happens. You aren't promising to have his babies, so settle down.

20. Your dating fate is in your hands. YOU can make these changes and YOU can gain some control of things if YOU choose to do so. If you don't, I don't have any sympathy for you.

21. Not having cats will really, REALLY help your case. (In my case, that's true...damn allergies).

22. Most women will not buy into this because it would mean accepting responsibility for their dating lives, something most women avoid like the plague, which would give a woman an advantage over others by following these suggestions.

23. Don't stick to tight groups of friends all night. All that does is make it unlikely that a nonplayer will approach you. No, that doesn't mean the guy isn't confident. It just means the guy is smart enough to realize he can't entertain 986875 girls that get out once a month while at least 1/4 of the group is PMSing. Cycle around alone a bit. You will probably not get kidnapped from a public eating or drinking establishment.

24. Just because a guy wants sex from you does not mean that he ONLY wants sex from you. If he approached you, asked you out or responded to your advances then he wants sex from you at a minimum. He may want more, but he at least wants that. if you avoid guys who show that they want sex then you will likely end up undersexed when in the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 5:20am

Life is what you make it - either the glass is half full or half empty. I choose the former.

I think that revenoc has some issues with things she has experienced on this board and in her life and marriage. So we should not take that personally. We are all in this boat together and will support her if she asks for it.

At any rate, I do believe our dating world has changed since I was in my 20s - this was 20 years ago. We have to worry if a guy is "into us" or just wants us for a booty call. We have to worry if he will want to be exclusive or will want a relationship - etc. This is because a guy can have casual sex very easily now thanks to birth control. Additionally, our world is more complicated with many more forms of entertainment; and why would anyone want to do anything else but take each day as it comes when a cell phone and computer go obsolete every 6 months and the divorce rate is 50%?

When I was younger, a man wanted to go "steady"; and having sex meant you meant something and were almost guaranteed a relationship would develop. Sexual diseases could all be cured with a little penicillin and you never really heard of anyone getting one. Times have sure changed!!

I believe there are a lot more women looking for a relationship than there are available, capable men. I have spent the past 2 years of my life reading books, participating on this board and culturing a group of friends of all ages who are in this boat - and believe me, we are all still baffled and single - all ages - 20s to 50s - with kids and without.

I liken this to many more fisherman looking for a fish than there are fish!!

So when one of the fish will post what he likes to see as bait, I am listening!!

I really loved the first part of that article that reminds is that a nice guy can be anywhere and that we should have a smile on our face and look approachable and not be bitter or sour due to past experiences. I appreciate that he reminds us that men are very visual creatures. And it is nice that he gives us the confidence to be a little more foward with our interests and to dress as we wish. If he likes longer hair, that is okay, we can grant him that opinion!!




Edited 8/5/2005 5:27 am ET ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 9:20am

Once again Judy, I LOVED your post and couldn't agree more!


I agree that this whole TECHNICAL way of dating, is just a bit out of hand. How many hundreds, thousand of years have we gone the traditional way of meeting someone? Why do we now have to change to computers, cells, speed dating or whatever to meet someone? Sure most of us have all given a whirl at it,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:11am
I have to agree with the "You can meet a guy anywhere" part. My current BF and I first met when he was still married and I was just divorced. When he became legally separated months later, he called a mutual friend of ours for my number because "he remembered my smile" First impressions I guess!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:16am

Hey...how are ya?

I think many women get "unhappy" because of the societal pressure to look as much like Barbie as possible, and a lot of men buy into that too. The comment about "fixing" your body points to a bad idea in my opinion. Toning up, being healthy, all that is good. But appearance doesn't need to be "fixed", and bodies don't need to be fixed because of APPEARANCE, which is what that point was saying. I do karate but I do it for ME, for my health.

I do have definite opinions and I've come to them over a span of years and experiences. I have a great circle of friends who like me that way and have definite opinions of their own. I even know a couple of men who see it as a turn on. If there are people here who take it personally they just need to remember it's not all about them. The board was taking time that I wanted to devote to improving myself. I'm well on my way to being fluent in Spanish because I work with my language CD's on the computer instead of posting here much.

There's nothing in my life to complain about right now, nothing I really need advice on...so there's not much reason to post. I'm on target, doing all the things I want to do to accomplish my goals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:22am

Electronic communication is lacking in the "you can't hear how I say it, or see what I look like as I post" area.

I just have no use for "advice" on how to "snag a man"...it's not something I'm going to devote much time to. If that makes me not like some women, that's ok right? The funny thing I've discovered is that this is how most men look at it too. They're not out to snag a woman, they're making the kind of life they want with their own sweat and effort. I don't want to spend my effort on "understanding men" so I can get one. I want to understand me, or maybe understand the human race. LOL...There are men I could have, but none I want right now.

I'm not angry at the board, I just don't see it as useful for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:31am

Like I said Cat, it's not about you. It's not about the board. I'm not angry or hurt...if you find it hard to believe then that's your issue. I haven't missed the board, particularly. I've found other, more productive, things to do with my time.

I'm so happy I could (and sometimes do) burst out singing, or laughing. My life is focused and coming together beautifully.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:43am

Hi Judy

Thanks for not taking it personally. It's not about anyone here, it's about where I am. I'm in a very positive place, I accept myself, and life is good.

If I came and posted here that would be my point of view. It hasn't been very accepted in the past when I've told people what I would do in their place, so maybe it's just that my life has taken a very different path from some others. That's ok with me. I'm right where I want to be.

The only thing I would encourage people to do is not to CARE so damned much about having a man, and that doesn't seem to be what most women want to hear.

Have fun all
Candi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:47am

I'm glad you are focused and fulfilled. I think that's awesome. Good luck on continuing that path for yourself.


However (again): I've found other, more productive, things to do with my time.


I think most of the women on this board are happy, productive women. This board doesn't mean we aren't, for lot's of us, it's like having a cup of coffee together with our friends sharing our thoughts, feelings and opinions. That for me is productive, because for me, in the last years,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:54am
no need to justify Cat. I am only speaking for myself, as usual...
:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 11:34am

Yes - I believe that was the essence of that article. To be patient, hopeful and keep a smile on your face.

I made sure I had a smile on my face when I went into the gas station store this morning. I smiled at everyone and I could see it made them feel good and smile back.

I also think we just have to get out more and do different things. I have met a lot of new people by getting a new dentist and remodeling my kitchen. I also just bought tickets to a football game for me and my son.

I will keep on updating y'all - the kitchen cabinet story was sure fun this week.

Saturday morning my friends are taking me to a bar to watch a big world championship rugby game - S. Africa against Australia. One of my married friends told her husband to invite all of his single buddies. He is happy because she will go there with him. She is happy because she can sit and chat with me during the game. And I am happy because I get to go out and meet/see a lot of guys and watch something I wouldn't usually watch.

I was just joking with my friend via email that I am going to wear a black cocktail dress and heels to Home Depot!! Just kidding.......;-)

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