Dating Rules -- From a Man's Perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Dating Rules -- From a Man's Perspective
33
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 6:01pm

This is a "to do" list for women who aren't meeting the guys they want to meet, either the quantity of guys or the quality of guys that make them happy. If you are happy with what you are getting, then good for you. Don't change a thing. If you are going to gripe about players, flakey guys, guys who only love the chase, guys who only want sex, and all the rest, then do these things and you will have more shots at more good guys than you will know what to do with.

1. If you are not happy with your physical appearance then hit the gym and fix it.

2. Be open to meeting guys ANYWHERE. On the street, at the grocery store, at the mall, at the bank, wherever. Realize that we do not require to be all dressed up in club gear for us to be attracted to you. You look better than you think in the sweats and ball cap you wore to run to the grocery store for your Ben & Jerry's pint fix.

3. Be approachable. How? Lose the "I am about to crap a watermelon" look on your face. Look pleased to be alive if not happy to be where you are. Stop making such an intensive study of the floor tiles. Look around, see who is around. Don't be afraid to make eye contact.

4. Speaking of eye contact, when you make it and glance away instantly we guys will often think "Oh, she definitely does not want me walking over there." If you do it a second time, we will often be sure of that assessment. When you make eye contact, make it for an extended period of time. Shoot for 5 seconds. Yes, you can do this in line at the bank. Be sure to include some kind of smile that we can actually see and isn't hidden behind your hair that falls in your face as you rapidly whip your head away and out of eye contact.

5. Speaking of hair, don't cut it short. There is a thread on this now. Read it and understand it.

6. Dress however the guy you want to meet would like to see a woman dress, not just how you think guys in general want women dressing. If you want a guy that likes women dressed in jeans and ball caps, then wear that. If you want a guy that like women dressed in hooker gear, then wear that. You will be choosing what you attract.

7. You know how you go into a social event and within moments 4 guys have sloppily tried to hit on you and now you are all annoyed at men in general? Lose the attitude. The guy playing pool with his buddies who you might like to talk to has watched all this and can see that you are now pissed off and isn't going to bother. He's having more fun shooting pool than he would have dealing with your aggravation.

8. Even if you stay upbeat that guy may assume that you are through listening to guys for the night. If you think you might like to talk to him, go say hello. It does not make you a skank. If a guy does think it makes you a skank, then he's a dumbass and you don't want to talk to him anyway.

9. You are allowed to initiate conversation or approach men. It does not make you a skank. If a guy does think it makes you a skank, then he's a dumbass and you don't want to talk to him anyway.

10. Society does not say that women cannot be aggressive. WOMEN say that women cannot be aggressive. This does not turn most guys off. It WILL turn off the players who just love the chase. Guess what that makes them? A dumbass, and you don't want to talk to him anyway.

11. Just because you approached or asked out one guy, or even two, and it did not result in a whirlwind romance with Prince Charming worthy of a fairy tale publication and a Sunday evening miniseries does not mean that doing such things does not work. It just means that you are dealing with people and people don't always "click." Deal with it.

12. You can meet good guys in bars. You just have to cut past the 4 players who roll up in the first two minutes. The good guys are shooting pool or talking with friends while the vultures are descending when you walk in the door.

13. The Man-fairy is not going to deliver a guy to your doorstep and ring the bell. If you want to meet more guys, you have to leave the house. Yes, I know it was a long week at work. Yes, I know you have plants to repot and knitting to do and your wine glasses all need polishing. Yes, I know you have saved all those Extreme Home Makeover episodes on your TiVo. Skip it. The men are all out there at the bars, bookstores, running clubs, and coffee shops of the world. If you only socialize once a month beyond your weekly trip to blockbuster then not meeting guys is your own fault.

14. Yes, you can meet good guys at the gym. It is just very hard to do so when you never take off your iPod headphones.

15. Attach no significance to when a guy calls. Just about everyone has some silly rule about how many days to wait before calling. Most of them have no bearing on what the guy is really thinking, other than that he is guessing at which "rule" you believe in. As long as he hasn't waited so long that it is rude, don't sweat it.

16. If you are not interested, don't give a guy your number and then blow him off. It is just rude and you WILL develop a reputation.

17. Take some risks. Go talk to that guy. It isn't as hard as it looks and getting shot down is better than never knowing. It is better than kicking yourself all the way home over why he didn't come talk to you.

18. If a guy acts like a jerk, he IS a jerk. You can't change him, tame him, or anything like that and there is no prize for playing that game. Just a lot of heartache and baggage to carry to the next guy until you make yourself totally undateable.

19. If you are talking to a guy and getting good vibes but he just isn't "closing the deal" (asking for your number, etc), realize that he might be having trouble with your signals. Either amp up the signals or just offer your number. See what happens. You aren't promising to have his babies, so settle down.

20. Your dating fate is in your hands. YOU can make these changes and YOU can gain some control of things if YOU choose to do so. If you don't, I don't have any sympathy for you.

21. Not having cats will really, REALLY help your case. (In my case, that's true...damn allergies).

22. Most women will not buy into this because it would mean accepting responsibility for their dating lives, something most women avoid like the plague, which would give a woman an advantage over others by following these suggestions.

23. Don't stick to tight groups of friends all night. All that does is make it unlikely that a nonplayer will approach you. No, that doesn't mean the guy isn't confident. It just means the guy is smart enough to realize he can't entertain 986875 girls that get out once a month while at least 1/4 of the group is PMSing. Cycle around alone a bit. You will probably not get kidnapped from a public eating or drinking establishment.

24. Just because a guy wants sex from you does not mean that he ONLY wants sex from you. If he approached you, asked you out or responded to your advances then he wants sex from you at a minimum. He may want more, but he at least wants that. if you avoid guys who show that they want sex then you will likely end up undersexed when in the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 2:38pm

>>>The comment about "fixing" your body points to a bad idea in my opinion.<<<

The article said "1. If you are not happy with your physical appearance then hit the gym and fix it." The idea is if *you* aren't happy then fix it, it never said fix it or get to the point of some societal ideal. The intent is that if you are unhappy, you should do something about that. If you are happy, then you don't have to do anything.

I always appreciate others views, and I'm glad you came back, I would personally like it if you decide to stay. I also think that if you don't have a use for us in your life (the board, the people, the advice, the support), you don't need to make sure we *know* that you don't need us or want to spend time here. Of course you are entitled to your opinion and it doesn't matter if I personally don't always agree with you.

I am happy everything is going so well for you, I know you have worked hard to make your life what you want it to be, and I also know achieving that can be incredibly satisfying.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 3:09pm
That is very well written, First. Thanks for writing that!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 4:23pm

ok, I'm going to try to explain.

You can read it literally and interpret however you want, all of us can. The "feel" of it was "get with it women, YOU need to do things we like to get men to respond to you, you do the work for making relationships happen"...It's what billions of dollars of women's magazines are sold with...It's an old tune.

I state one opinion, pick a couple of things to disagree about and I get bashed for not dancing to it.

People drop in here all the time and post odd opinions. Like men who want to tell women how to make it happen in the dating world and such. Those posts get mostly agreement, and I don't like it or agree with it. That doesn't mean I'm angry or upset. It's just a discussion forum.

What I would want to tell women is GET OVER IT! BE the kind of person you want to date! Create a life that is satisfying for yourself. Don't try so hard to bend it to fit with someone else's expectations. Live your life. Life is too short to waste a minute worrying whether someone else is going to approve of you. And to say that I've learned a lot more from concentrating on living my own life than on discussing it with anyone. I got so many different opinions here that it was more confusing than anything. And I guess the truth is that it was mostly the wrong advice for me. I get much better personal advice from people who know me on an every day basis, or even from introspection or meditation. I guess that's because in the end analysis, we each have to find our own path.

You all know I have friends, I am not cruel. This is a bulletin board where people post...after posting here for years I'm sure I won't meet anyone on it, and after many conversations I'm sure no one here will change because of me. If they change it will be from their own internal desire. So really, I'm only putting out an opinion when I post. I'm not making a personal attack on anyone. I wish everyone would not take it so seriously or personally.

I don't think I'm saying "I don't need you" at least not in the way it's being taken. I'm saying "maybe we are ALL that self sufficient, really. Give yourself credit. Deep down you KNOW what's right for you." Don't look to anyone else or a magazine or a list of do's and don'ts for the answers. So, I guess that's where my reaction comes from when I see a list written by a man telling women in general how they should do anything.

The lists I do pay attention to these days are more...Zen...they're more about centering yourself and finding YOUR purpose in life. Like this one...from a martial arts site...

1. Action Rather than Words
2. Training
3. It's always too soon to quit
4. Everything is Earned
5. Life in Every Breath

So that's why I posted in this thread at all. I wish you all the wonderful life you so richly deserve. Don't let a man or the desire for one mess that up. BE YOU! Don't expose yourself to criticism from men, look inside yourself to see what you want.

Hugs to all
Candi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 4:35pm

Well, as I posted before I think lists like this should be taken with the grain of salt. If you see something in it that benefits you, use it and leave the rest behind.

I think the point about fixing what you feel needs fixing is trying to say the exact thing you have done. You have focused on your life, you are doing what you want in order to make yourself happy. There were some points in the OP I disagreed with too, but I thought the first point was a good one.

I hope you don't think I was bashing you, that is not how it I wanted it to come across. I really think it's possible for me and many others here to live our own lives for ourselves and be happy *and* participate in dicussion forums. I don't know a lot of single mom's in my real life and I am glad this board is here when I have a question for others in my similar situation. I also hope that the advice I've given others has been helpful. I get a lot out of being here, and my life is not on the back burner because of it. I completely respect your opinion and the reasons you don't want to be on this board, but then I have to wonder, if that is all true then why are you here now? Weren't you lurking because you wanted to know what was going on here? Didn't you post because you thought someone would benefit from you POV? Didn't you miss us just a little?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 4:43pm

ok, some of you I miss yakking with, occasionally. The ones I CAN throw things around with. But truly, I've checked in here once a week for a few months and not seen anything I really wanted to comment on till today.

But most of it,

-Being told I'm "way over the top" when I vent
-People thinking I'm some kind of hateful she witch with issues (when I am just discussing for heaven's sake!)
-Or having a post reported when I get into a heated discussion...
-having to either shut up about or support someone I KNOW is jumping into something that will hurt them?

those things I do NOT miss...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 4:53pm
Fair enough :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 4:56pm

The people I really liked on here let me know, quite clearly, that they didn't have time for me anyway and I was quite unimportant to them. And they were doing me a favor...I decided to just cut the cord and rely on myself.

there was ONE other time when I wanted to say something. When Cat had found the man of her dreams and was "officially" the girlfriend with the guy she had barely met...the one who ended up being a druggy.

Cat, I want you to STOP exposing yourself to situations like that. You care too much about what men think of you. You're amazing...you know it...tell them all to bug off! You're a great, understanding mom and you and your kids are good together. Forget trying to put a man into that.

Ok...that's what I really wanted to say to you before...bash away, but that's my honest feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 5:20pm

A guy's opinion, FWIW...

I think a lot of the list is really good. I don't agree with some of it, like the implication that all men like long hair on women, but for the most part I think it's positive. Really, when you think about it, you could turn it around and it could apply to a guy very much also.

The general gist I got from the list is simply: Don't wait around and complain about not being able to find a man (or woman) -- go out and do things to improve yourself and you might just meet someone in the process. Smile more, and just be happy with life. I actually found the list to be subscribing to a lot of what revenoc was actually saying.

Don't forget -- there are guys that feel the same way you all do. Sometimes we are not all that different. Many times I get into the mindset of "I really need to find a woman". I worry about my looks and faults and sometimes I need to just kick myself in the butt and get busy improving myself. I tend to try *too* hard finding a relationship at times.

revenoc, if you are very happy at your place in life right now, then more power to you. I hope some day I can be at that place also. I guess I just feel like no matter how happy I am with my single life and how things are going, there seems to be something *missing* in it. I long for someone to share my life with, and to have a family someday. I honestly think that is not going to go away. It's just something I want.

Eric

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 5:26pm
Very well said!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 5:42pm

I agree with you Eric - I am very happy with my life - so many good things to be proud of - really can't get any better - but I long for someone to share it with. And I long for someone who longs to be with me!! That is the important thing I have learned on this board.

Thanks for stepping in and giving us your opinion of this list. It is cool to have a man around this house!!

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