Dating someone who is legally separated

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Dating someone who is legally separated
10
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:13am
I met someone who is legally separated. I like him BUT I am afraid to get involved because I feel weird that he isn't divorced yet. The divorce proceedings are moving along, but not final. Has anyone dated someone who is legally separated? Positive/Negatives?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:27am

I dated while separated. It wasn't a problem for me because my marriage was over long before then, because we had already moved, sold our house and paid our joint debts, and although we hadn't started the legal process we had agreed on everything and our custody arrangement was in place and working well. When we did start the legal process, it went smoothly and I did not involve my bf in details (although sometimes it would come up in conversation after the fact, like letting him know it was filed or something like that). My bf was not my support system for my divorce, my family and my therapist were.

There have been several threads about this on the Surviving Divorce board, and here is one of my responses on how to tell if you are ready (or for you, how to know if he is ready).

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Here is my (totally unsolicited) advice if anyone is sitting on the fence, wanting to date but not sure if they should. There is some rule out there that you should not date if you have been divorced for less than one year. In general I think it's a good rule, because during a divorce you've usually got a lot on your plate and after the divorce, you need to focus on finding yourself and re-establishing your life as a single person/parent. But that advice is not practical for everyone. There was no way I was going to sit around for two years before I started dating (it took one year to get divorced).

So my advice is take a look at where you are emotionally and where you are in your life. If you are having lots of fights with your ex over who's getting this or that, if your children are really struggling to understand what is going on, or if you feel like your life is a mess, then you are obviously not ready to date. If all the major decisions regarding the divorce are made, there are no looming settlement discussions or mediation sessions, the children (if you have them) have adjusted to the agreed upon custody arrangement, you have picked up some new activities, settled into living without your spouse, you generally feel comfortable in your new single life and most importantly, you want to date, then you should go for it. If you somewhere in between these two extremes, then just use your best judgement. If you feel strongly that you should not date until divorced or until you've been divorced for a while, there is nothing wrong with that. However, I am sure there are people that two years after divorce are not as ready to date as I was right after the separation.

One thing I think is important when dating after a failed marriage is no matter when you do it, whether it is soon after separating or long after the divorce is final, you need to have healed from your marriage and have an understanding of what went wrong in order to not repeat the same mistakes (or at least be working on that). IMHO, this is best done through individual therapy. It's really hard to understand why you picked that person to marry and what your part was in the marital demise all on your own. It's not something you wake up and realize one day, it is something that comes to you in bits and pieces over time and it's more like putting a really big puzzle together, and it's a lot easier to complete the puzzle with some professional guidance.

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Here is that thread and one other if you want some other views on dating after divorce:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=14855.1&ctx=4096

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=14795.1&ctx=0

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:50am

First provides an EXCELLENT check list.

I would like to add that I have done a lot of online dating since my divorce. I found that most guys who were separated were just looking for sex, and not a relationship.

My friends who are dating have also found the same.

But with that said, I do know of a case where a guy was separated - not quite divorced - and the girl (my next door neighbor) was the girl of his dreams - they met at work and started dating slow - and now are married happily. He did not have kids - and adored her kids.

Just make sure that you know what you want and that he is capable of giving that to you. You will have to use your intuition to know whether he just wants sex or is really into you and wants a relationship. A guy who wants sex will come on real heavy with that right away.

Good luck and keep us posted. I am sure that others will also come and offer you some great advice here, too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:56am
Thanks for the advice! I can relate to everything you said. I waited till my divorce was finalized before I started to date even though my marriage was over long before. I have an infant which kept me busy and I let exh move on before I did. As for the sex part - It has been 2 years for me! I am not sure how long for him, but I can bet it has been awhile!!! Which makes the decision-making very difficult because I can guarantee that I will think with my brain......I can't guarantee that he will :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:08pm

It is best to not date someone who is legally separated. I dated someone when I was separated and I ended up hurting that person because I was not in a good position to date at that time.

If this was a person that you had known for a long time, I'd say go for it. Since this is a guy that you just met, I'd say keep looking. BTW, if you met this guy through online dating, KEEP LOOKING!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:18pm
Nope. I did not meet him online. He is a friend of a coworker friend that I have, so I feel a little more comfortable with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:35pm

>>>BTW, if you met this guy through online dating, KEEP LOOKING!!!<<<

I was separated and did online dating. I fit all the criteria for being ready to date, I was ready. Are you saying if you meet them online, don't even scrutinize or understand the situation, just pass the person up? Just because of the way you met them?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:59pm

I dated while I was separated. I dated online, I dated guys I was introduced to by friends, I dated guys I met through my work, I wasn't ready to make another serious life-long committment but I was ready to date. I just wanted to have some fun. I wanted to have sex too. There's nothing wrong with that.

It doesn't matter where or how you meet them, what matters is whether what you're looking for and what he's looking for matches. If you're both at the same stage.

The key here is that YOU are not comfortable dating him until his divorce is final. Go with your instincts.
I suggest you just get to know him on a friend level and wait it out. If he's just looking for some action, he'll go find it somewhere else. If he's into you and wants to have more than just sex, he'll show you that by taking things at your pace.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 1:14pm

Wait a minute. I'm a serial online dater. I did online dating when I was separated too. However, I have learned how men use online dating. I've had men tell me how they use online dating. Most don't actually take the time to give us a chance. They cast a wide net and get downright picky in the end. Most do a search first for....never been married, no kids.

Some guys expand the search to....divorced (kids okay).

Some guys go for....any, any, any (because they are looking for any thing they can get).

As women, I think we error on the side of giving a guy a chance. I say draw the line somewhere and stick with it, especially in the online dating world because that's what men do to us. I don't think it's a revolutionary idea to say that dating a separated person is risky. If you're meeting someone via the internet, you can be extremely choosey because you are not emotionally invested in that person whatsoever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 1:15pm
Ok, I'll buy that. Thanks for clarifying.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 5:57pm

This makes sense.

It is always good to get the inside scoop!!

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