Dating someone without children

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Dating someone without children
7
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 9:26am

The only person I dated

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 10:55am

I have dated men without children. Relating about DS was no problem - probably because they were guys and could relate stories about when they were little. They have always been athletic guys so we had a lot to talk about with other stuff. So I guess the nonparent versus parent issue was never that big for me.

I don't think the rollerblader is looking too good either. I would not like that he wanted me to take him to the airport and especially so early into the relationship. I think you should say no. He can pay a taxi or ask a friend. I would also not like that every date has to be a rollerblade date. That reminds me of a guy that had to have every date a run on this bridge. It was more like he was including me on his workout so he would not have to take time out of his busy life for me. His cutting you off on the phone further indicates that. NEXT!!

You are funny about the purse - hopefully you can find a small cute one at lunch or just after work. You would be surprised at what Walmart or Target can have on hand!! And yes, cute earrings are in order.

I am not sure if you should bring up the RA and relationship discussion all on the same day. But that is just me. It is great that you are hitting it off so well in discussion. And I like the idea of a younger guy - so that sounds good, too.

Have a great day!! Keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 12:44pm

I am finding that dating another single parent seems easier, since both of us are always busy with kids and if we have to cancel a date for a good reason is because of our kids. I am currently dating a single dad and he understands that I am not always available as he wants to and we have to plan our dates around our kids' schedules. It also seems more enjoyable since we're sharing stories and we have something to relate to. Eventhough I am dating him, not exclusively yet, I am talking to two other guys, one of them is single, never been married, no kids, I haven't been able to talk to him for the last three days, we've been playing phone tag, he's called when I am busy with kids, I can't talk, I have called him back, left messages, he's left messages, and still we haven't been able to connect. This is a guy I had a first date last Friday, he is very nice and he appears interested, but at this point, I don't know if it'll work since we had a date planned for today, but my daughter is sick and I am not feeling very well. So I'm going to have to cancel it and I don't know if he would be up to anymore since I am not easily available either by phone or in person. So I think it's kind of hard dating guys without children, since we are so involved in our kids' lifes. Also, it has happened to me that guys without children tend to be more spontaneous and want to do spur of the moment stuff and in the past I haven't been able to do anything spontaneous with anyone, so they've dissapeared on me. This is my opinion, I would love to hear what others have to say!

ps I agree that you should not play chauffer to anyone this early in the relationship, maybe he's already feeling too confortable around you and wants to test how far you will go for him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 3:42pm

Jennie:

Good luck on your date tonight. That's great that you are excited; that's a good sign.

It will be eight years next month that my exh left. I've had three long-term relationships. All three were with men older than me (in their 40's), they had never been married, and they had no children. Obviously, none of those relationships worked out. Personally, although I never sought out those types of relationships and they just happened on their own, I can honestly say that I'm burned out with that kind of situation, and I need a change. I have a few friends that are single dads, and they are great to talk to because they do understand what my life is like.

Of the three, the most positive experience I had with dating a man without children was with the last one, which was Mark. Before I met him, he was engaged to a woman that had two kids, and he had also previously dated another woman with 3 kids; so he was comfortable around kids. I never found it hard to talk to him about my kids. He always asked me about them and how they were doing. What I did find a bit challenging was that as a single man with little responsibilities, he tended to make a lot of last-minute plans, and that drove me nuts. I have to be on more of a schedule because of my kids. He would sometimes ask me to do something with him on the weekends when I had the kids, and I would tell him no, so then he got the picture. Even though he said he liked my kids, I think they were one of the reasons for our breakup. I don't think he wanted that much responsibility; neither did any of the other childless men I dated. It was too much for them. Plus, after our breakup, one of the reasons Mark gave was that he was lonely and that we didn't see each other that much. I couldn't give him my 100 percent undivided attention.

This is just my opinoin, but I think that if you start to get serious with someone, he will warm up to your dd. You should give him a reasonable amount of time, but I think you will be able to tell whether he tries with your dd or is just disinterested. I was being patient with Mark, but now that all is said and done, he was dragging his feet a bit when it came to the kids, and I should have said something about it sooner. I've asked so many people why it is that men date women with kids if they really don't want to be with the kids. Everyone says that probably in the beginning they think they can handle it, but when the relationship starts to get more serious they get scared. That makes sense because Mark said he was scared.

I'm 0 for 3 in the men-with-no children department; three strikes and you're out. So, like I said, I'm looking for a change. I really enjoy talking to Jeff, that guy who took me to lunch, on the phone. He has a son -- and what's wierd is that he's 4 years younger than me. I never dated a man younger than me, ever. (I like older men).
Good luck and keep us posted.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 4:41pm

I think that Donna has good insight and tips with her experiences of dating men without kids. But I also think that each situation is different.

I have dated men both with and without kids. I am in a bit of a unique situation because exh travels and while we do not have a set schedule he usually takes ds half of most weekends. Having only one child is also probably far easier than many who have more than one. And I also have babysitters and my family who can sit. Additionally I am my own boss - so I can be flexible with my work - although I do work a lot of hours. I tend to be very active and can do some things on the spur of the moment.

I find that the issue for me is finding someone in my age range who wants the same things out of life (being active/fit) and who is emotionally available for a relationship and who has the time for me. Usually most men are very busy with their jobs and don't have a lot of free time. Many of them have worked weekends. So I guess what I am saying is that I have always had more time than them and they have not had an issue with ds.

Two of the men with kids whom I dated went back to their ex's (one to an exw and one to an exgf) so ds was not an issue with that. One without kids LOVED my ds and me - but he was not financially stable so I broke up with him. And another one who was over 40, never married and never had kids just didn't want a serious monogamous relationship. I think he had issues from his childhood and from a fiance that broke his heart.

I can see how finding a man with children would give you a common bond as a single parent. But I would caution you to see if you have more things in common than just being parents.

I can say that having ds has made me make wiser choices that are better for me and him. For example, I have discovered that I have a great network here of friends, employees, babysitters, family, carpool and ds's friends. So I know I don't want to move. This gets rid of the corporate genius who would want to be transferred around the country or someone who lives far away. I have also done very well for myself with my business and finances - so I have discovered that I don't want to jeopardize that. I don't want wealth - but I do want stability/dependability. And since I have a son I want someone who can set a good example and enrich his life with his experiences - this means that someone with bad manners is not going to work.

I also feel active, young and fun and would be open to having another child - so I am not going to close the baby door just yet with someone who is a lot older than me.

So while it might take me a little while to find Mr. Right - I am okay with that. I have a lot to offer and don't want to settle.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 9:51pm
Hey there,
I have only dated men that didn't have children and personally I don't think I would want to date someone with a child. Just a preference of mine.
Both men I dated loved me and my son and we connected on all sorts of different ways. They love to ask about my son and how he is and give me plenty of oppertunity to brag and be a proud mom. Both men also loved to come over and play with my son and bring him toys and my son enjoys this also. It also makes me more attracted to a man when he makes a connection with my son, it certainly makes me feel more confident in being a single mom and feels way better to be apart of a man's life when he thinks it's cool that I am on my own doing well and raising a child. I think men without children appreciate this as much as a man with a child. Every man is different though, I mean some guys just run the other way when they find out there is another smaller more important man in my life and guess what??? They are missing out on something really great.
I think that you just give these guys a little time, eventually they will learn to ask how your daughter is and what she is up to. It was always a good test for me to see if a dude would ask about my son. That's how I could always tell if he was very interested in me. Never fails.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 11:15am

The date was good.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 2:59pm

ACK - I know your frustration. But you did handle it very well. And I know what you mean about wanting to develop a relationship first. I totally agree.

Now all you can do is see what happens from here. I think you did good so far.

Keep us posted!!

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