Dating two at once...
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| Thu, 01-18-2007 - 1:50pm |
I've been divorced for 7 months and recently got back into the dating game. I met a nice guy on eharmony in September and we met and began dating, pretty seriously. We were together every weekend our kids were with our ex's. His divorce was final late last month and he has kind of backed away from our relationship. Not many phone calls or e-mails (he used to call/email/text message me daily) and I have to hint about us getting together. He tells me loves me and bought me a very nice heart necklace for Christmas so I thought we were getting close but, as I said, he isn't putting much effort into the relationship. We had said in the beginning that when we were dating someone, we weren't dating anyone else, which implied that we were exclusively dating each other.
This past weekend we didn't have our kids and he asked to meet me on Saturday for drinks and football. He mentioned coming over on Sunday and I told him that would be great. He called me Sunday and told me he was going to stay home instead. So, in essence I've been feeling like our romance has cooled a bit. I met someone on lavalife.com on Monday and after several IM sessions and e-mail we decided to meet for coffee. That was last night. We had a nice hour together and he seems very nice and interested. He asked me to lunch tomorrow (it's my birthday and he knows it). I'm feeling a bit guilty in that my first guy thinks that we're exclusive and here I am going out and testing the waters with another man. Should I tell my first guy what's going on or just allow it to run its course and fizzle out (which I think it may). My head tells me on the surface that my coffee date was more ready for a relationship and would be available but then again, so was my first guy in the beginning. I don't want to hurt my first guy since he was very hurt in his marriage (infidelity) but I also don't want to be deceitful.
Any thoughts would be appreaciated.

Hey there and welcome. I will offer my opinion, and you may get dissenting opinions, and take from us what you will, and what works for you.
I say go ahead and see the second guy. When you started seeing the other guy, you didn't lie, since at that time you weren't seeing anyone else. You didn't specify that you would never be seeing anyone else, and he's probably doing the same thing, which is why he suddenly is more distant and doesn't want to see or contact you as much.
If he asks, don't lie, but I think if you're feeling like this relationship is already headed south, you know there's something up. See where things go with the second guy, and don't worry too much about dating- lots of people date more than one guy at a time.
As long as you're honest, it isn't a big deal.
That's just my opinion, though, and I hope everyone else chimes in, too.
Moody, having enough trouble dating one guy
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I am not sure what I would do - 5 months is a long time and I do assume that you have been intimate with him and have implied exclusivity.
I think the time to date a bunch of people is at the beginning before intimacy and exclusivity.
It could be that he just needs to chill for a bit after a whirlwind of a divorce, your relationship and the holidays. It is not optimal that you were dating while he was separated - I do see that as a red flag and deterrant for a more serious relationship because he is probably not ready for all of that. I know someone whose wife cheated on him and it affected him dramatically - he is still not able to trust someone after 2 or 3 years and has now only cautiously started to date and is having commitment issues - and he did not have kids and was not married that long. That is not to be taken lightly.
If I was you, I would be busy and less available for a while so I am not depending on him solely for my social life. I would give it a few weeks to see what he does. If it continues to go downhill, I would not beg him to be with me - I would tell him I want to see other people and take this relationship back to a more casual level or not at all.
If you do choose to date this other guy, I would keep it casual for a while. I do understand that you like him and think he is more ready for a relationship - I think you might be right about that. You do have to listen to your gut feeling. Just be cautious and take your time.
Hope this helps - we are here no matter what you decide to do.
Absolutely tell him. You can tell him you feel like he seems to be a bit distant & things arent quite what they were, so you have decided, although youd LIKE to keep seeing him, that you may occassionally date other men as well.
I say it is okay to date 2 guys. Your just starting out. And I think for me it is better at my age, 37. I am older and wiser, or I like to think. LOL It was all different when we were younger.
When I think but at what attracted me to my ex, I don't think that would caught my eye today. Just take your time and don't be so hard on yourself. It is alright to see if there is someone else you could have a better relationship with. Just take your time and do what is best and right for you. And remeber to have fun. Best of luck and keep us updated. Take care