Dating Younger Guys & having kids
Find a Conversation
Dating Younger Guys & having kids
| Fri, 04-13-2007 - 12:14pm |
Reading the OLD Experiment thread someone brought up a really good (IMO) topic for a discussion. I'm 36 and have been divorced about 1 year. I have two kids - Daughter - 12 & Son 16; As far I'm concerned I'm done having kids. Even though I know I still have the option open to me for a few more years...
For the most part I've been meeting & dating


Pages
Edited 4/13/2007 12:31 pm ET by mom2maggie
I am 38 and have been dating in the same "pool" that you have. Everyone I have dated has been 32-36 years old- not on purpose, I think it's just because there are a lot more single men in that age bracket than in our age plus.
While it can certainly be a very understandable deal-breaker for some, I think that many people- myself included- can be more flexible when they meet the right person and have the right situation.
My current boyfriend is 36- divorced years ago, no children. If you had asked either of us before we met I would have said I didn't want anymore children, and he would have said he wanted children of his own. Meaning, as he says, not that the "biological" part is important, but ones that he "started from the beginning with" lol.
But now...I think either one of us would have "given in"- it just depends so much on the relationship and various practical circumstances too. Luckily for me (ha) he's decided to go my way- he thinks it's great that he's inherited 2 good kids, missed the sleepless diaper years, we get free time while they are at their dad's, and half of their expenses are paid (by their dad). My friends call it Parenting Lite lol.
But if he had his heart set on it I would have a baby. I don't really want to start over at my age, but as a parent I know I would love the baby and it would all work out fine.
Good question!
I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm dating a guy who is 7 years younger and who has also never been married. I have two kids from my marriage and could have more but it's not a must for me.
We are also early in the stages to be talking about it, but I have thought the same thing. I'm not sure if he would be satisfied having stepkids if we should ever get hitched, but I figure we will talk about it in time if we continue forward.
I guess for me, already having kids puts me in a pretty desirable position. If the right one comes along and should want them, I guess the decision won't be too difficult. I'm almost 40, so there's not much time left for me.
I would hope for you that he or whomever you end up with is flexible, especially if it becomes riskier or more difficult to conceive. Your relationship should be top priority.
GOod luck!
My opinion on this topic is that if it really matters to you whether you have more kids or not, and if it matters to you whether that is a right fit for your potential partner (I would hope that it DOES matter)- then BY ALL MEANS, talk about it in the early stages of meeting and dating! Do the talk before you "fall". That way, if you and he do NOT match in your views and thoughts, then you will at least KNOW that from the start, and can decide from that point, if you should pursue the relationship or not.
I know that things can change and you can't REALLY know what the future might hold and whether you might change your mind or not (about having more kids)- but what IS the harm in sharing your thoughts on that at the start?? And you don't have to demand that the guy think of it in terms of you and him... but just in terms of him in general, and discuss your thoughts on it in general. There is no need to jump to discussing the "us" of it all (because you can't know this early on) but you can at least lay out your thoughts on the table if it matters to you.
I know that for me, I am DONE with having kids and while I might not mind incorporating someone else's into our brood... I can't see ever having another one of my own. So I would bring it up early in dating. Just in case the guy is wanting more of his own- he needs to know where I stand, so he can move on if that's what he chooses. If he can't live with the fact that I don't want any more- then we are not a good match anyway- and I'd rather find that out early, than to find it out after we "fall".
Thankfully with Hiker and I- we are both DONE and neither one is wanting more. So we are on the same page on that. There is no right or wrong about it- the fact is, you just need to make sure the guy you are dating are on the same page as you, and in the same agreement. Otherwise you are just asking for troubles down the road... and relationships and dating is hard enough without having potential problems sitting there when you COULD easily weed them out at the beginning.
JMHO,
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Great topic! I am in the very early stages of singlehood and I am already faced with this very dilema.
I have only gone for drinks with this guy twice but I have known him for over 10yrs so there is definitely a sense of familiarity between us. It will be a couple more weeks until I move into my new place at which time I strongly suspect there is great potential for our relationship to jump right into the good stuff!
We have mutually admired one another since we met but we were never single at the same time until now. I know he wants children and a family, and he knows that had my husband and I stayed together that we would have had a third child (during my STBX's "mid-life crisis' he took it upon himself to have a vasectomy).
My friend has joked with me saying please tell me you want another baby. I just said oh I don't know about that. The thing is, I don't think I do want to have another baby with a different father. I just turned 39 and my friend is 41. Considering that I now find myself single with two young daughters (5&3), I really do not think I want another child. I want to simplify my life and another baby will complicate things. I am looking forward to my independence and freedom. To be totally honest I do not seeing myself ever remarrying. I feel silly bringing up this topic with my friend considering we haven't even slept together yet but he has made it very clear that he is hoping we have a future together. Too much too soon for me but I don't want to string him along at all, he is a fantastic catch for someone....
Bottom line - we need to get this issue on the table asap so that he can make the decision for himself. I do not want to be the person that held him back from having his own family.
Rose.
Rose, your post is very thoughtful in that you are so "new" to this idea of being single that it's too soon for you to know what you want. After my first divorce 10 years ago, my daughter's father, I too felt I didn't want to ever marry again. I ended up marrying the first and only man I dated after that first marriage. We were together almost 10 years. About 5 years ago I decided that Yes, I did want to have another child, his child, but he didn't want any. He said mine were enough (my son was born when I was 19 out of wedlock). Btw, I've never let the fact that they are from two different fathers bother me.
I know where I'm at now and at 36, with two young teens, I DO NOT want more children. I also feel that it's an important subject to broach with anyone I think I could be serious about because I feel so strongly about it. For me, in my current new relationship, it's too soon to discuss. But I expect in the next couple of months if all goes well with this one, I will definitely bring up the subject -- if he does want children of his own I would absolutely HATE to stand in the way of experiencing that precious joy for anyone.
I've definitely appreciated hearing everyone's feelings on this. It's helped me put my thoughts together for when the topic does eventually come up.
Good luck with your new budding relationship. I think taking it slow is the best. I'm just learning myself how to do that :)
As far as him saying he wants kids in his profile and you're pretty sure you don't want any more- I don't really know that I think it's ever too early to talk about that.
I always felt that there was absolutely no point in even contacting someone who put "definitely, maybe or probably" wants kids in his profile. I definitely don't. If a guy who put that contacted me, it was a topic in one of our first conversations, since I don't want to waste my time or have him waste his is something so major about us isn't compatible.
funnyguy has none, and doesn't care if he has any or not, as long as he's involved in kids' lives. That works out perfectly for me, since I don't want anymore but ideally will meet someone who wants to be involved in my kids' lives, and I know i'd make a horrible stepmother!
I'm not sure what I would advise you here, but I think talking it out with him will help you see if it's hopeless and you're both wasting time, or if you might someday be able to come to an agreement.
Moody, who has the kid talk as soon as possible
Powered by CGISpy.com
I understand what you write because I feel the same way.
For a while after my divorce I went through this period where I felt such a loss at not having a happy marriage and more children. Of course at that time, I was nearing 40. Most men looking for a mate for the purpose of children seek the 25 to 30 age group - and rightfully so because that is more appealing to them.
But then as time went on, I became much happier single and independent. Then I started appreciating my singledom and seeing it as an advantage.
So, now at 45 with DS 11 and doing well with grades and in his life, I suddenly want to do a lot of things - none of which include baby/toddler stages again. My biological child-rearing window has closed really. I would be open to another man's children who are teenagers or older and would cherish a relationship with them and hope I could be a benefit to their lives.
I am not sure I would marry again. I don't feel that I "need" to do that - but of course would keep options open for the right person and circumstance.
I do agree that the subject of children needs to be brought up right away - because if someone really wants their own children they have a right to that and should not waste time with someone who does not. I also love what Shrimps writes that it should be "about me" and not "about us" type of thing. Plus I know I would not want the whole drama of wait and see and then the guy dumps me later on because he does want kids and I am too old now.
Pages