Daughters & Mom's Dating
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| Tue, 11-07-2006 - 1:25pm |
Here's one for all of you "dating experts" out there...I need your valued advice:
My 12 year old daughter appears to be getting very attached to the man I've been dating for one month. He & I are getting along very well and have had dinner out with my kids a few times and we all went to my son's football game together last Friday. Her father left us (disappeared!) when she was 2 and she never "bonded" with my ex-husband after 10 years of us living with him... This has totally shocked me that she would seem to want to get so close to this new bf... its almost like a school girl crush! Should I be concerned? Should I talk to her about it? Should I just see what happens and keep my concerns to myself. I don't want her to get hurt if this doesn't work out with me & him. Please post your advice, stories, experiences, etc.
Thanks! Lola

I would be concerned. It seems like she's had a lot of disappointment from adult males (her father and your exh). She doesn't need another disappointment.
I wouldn't involve kids in the dating process so early. My DS didn't meet my bf until we had been dating for almost 7 months.
Since your daughter has already met him, you can't undo that....but, I would suggest that you start planning dates where it is just you and the guy. No kids for several months.
I agree with fivesense that you should leave her out of it for now - give them no more time together.
If a future time presents itself where he is starting to look like a keeper, I would have a talk about what you saw with both of them.
Good luck and keep us posted - and welcome to our board!
Hi Lola,
Welcome to the board.
I agree with the others that you should stop involving this guy around the kids.
Thanks for all the advice... but I think it's too late for the back-up and back-off method everyone has suggested -- he's been "hanging out" with us everyday for 3 weeks, has met my family/parents a couple times, my friends, etc. If he didn't come around anymore all of a sudden, my daughter would freak, (& probably him too). I now know what to do next time (if/when there's a next time)... But I need to figure out how to best handle the current situation.
Here's my confession: I missed being married and I let this new guy come in and take over where my X fell short. And, to answer your question, Alison, NO, my X and my kids have no relationship what-so-ever. After 10 years living with my X he was no closer to my kids than the day he met them.
That is why I think I find new bf so appealing... he's great with my kids! Anyway, new bf was everything my X wasn't, and he was very willing to make the "insta-family" happen right away. I know -- way too fast and way too stupid, but it's done...I'm a people pleaser by nature and tend to go with the flow...so I look around a week later and we're "playing house" and it feels comfortable, but I'm worried about my daughter and want to do the best I can by her.
So the new bf is loving the "father role" (he has a 7 year old that he never gets to see) and when I tried to confront him and tell him I was worried about the attachment I saw with my daughter, he said I was making a big deal out of nothing, over-reacting and that he wasn't going anywhere, in short, basically poo-pooing my concerns. Which doesn't make me feel any better.
For the record, other than this one (big) concern, everything else is going wonderful in the (new) relationship and I'm very happy...
So thanks for listening and letting me vent :o)
You are wise to come to this board to sort this out. And YOU are the only one who can make the right decisions for YOU. From what you write, he sounds nice. However, I would like to give you a few things to think about.
-- When one misses being married or in a couple situation one is not always at the best place to make the right dating decision. Because one craves companionship they might settle for MrRightNow instead of MrRight.
--Also, you do have to be able to set boundaries. It seems just a wee bit disturbing that you expressed concern over your child's strong attachment so soon in the relationship and he put a poopoo on that. Just be careful that he does not continue to poo poo your wishes or you will soon find yourself in a place you don't want to be. I know because I was the queen of doormats at one time.
Introducing him to the kids so early and letting them get attached might not be what you intended. But it surely sounds to me like all involved are happy - and you really could make much worse dating mistakes than this one. I think all involved can survive - even though it is not text book perfect as we would like to dictate from our chairs. So I do wish you a warm bon voyage on your journey with him. I mean, it is GREAT that he enjoys your kids. And that you like him so much.
Don't be afraid to set boundaries now - because it is better to do that sooner than later. He has to respect you as the parent and he will when you take the reins.
Okay - enough lectures for you - keep us posted - we are always here for advice and ideas and support.