Deal breakers -vs- difference of opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Deal breakers -vs- difference of opinion
8
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 6:19pm

CL Alison's post about the guy who got arrested for under age porn got me thinking about what is and what is not negotiable when you really want to make things work out with a SO. Every one is different in where their boundaries lie.


For me, my DD's safety is number one. If there is even a hint or question that a guy was possibly dangerous he would be out. Non-negotiable.


Religion: I'm flexible. I feel my spirituality is a personal journey and I welcome other views. Unless, of course he was a Satanist or something. Sorry but that's where I draw the line LOL.


Politics: This one's tough for me. I like to say that I am very flexible and openminded. But Blue Eyes and I have gotten into some pretty heated discussions! But he's still around so I would have to say our occasional difference in opinion is not a deal breaker. It actually makes things quite interesting.


Drug and Alcohol abuse: Deal Breaker. I know that there is a grey area as far as what constitues as Alcoholism. And in fact I'm not 100 percent sure my guy does not drink too much, I'm still trying to discover this. But bottom line, if it effects the relationship negatively, it's over before it began.


Money/Salary: There's wiggle room here. As long as he is responsible with the moneyh he makes, the paycheck does not determine the fate of the relationship.


I'm sure there are lots of other areas I'm not thinking of but these are pretty ones to consider for many. Just some food for thought :o)


~Pacific~


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 7:15pm

Interesting question!


DD's safety and well being is number one

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 7:15pm

Good topic, Pacific!!

"Health,Wealth,DS" - those are sort of in the same category as your "DD safety" I think. None of those can be jeopardized.

Religion - Christian, Jewish or Spiritual but not religious. And sorry if this offends but nothing off the beaten path of these - no weird cult things, no eastern things, no atheists, no zealots. Just middle of the road - nothing crazy either.

Politics - the middle of the road.

NO 3 A's - alcohol, addiction, adultery. I consider adultery to be a past history of that or an addiction to porn or weird sexual tastes. Addiction means more of the drug or tobacco type of addiction here. And no alcohol abuse which could include binge drinking or a lot of drinking every day. I once dated a man who had to have at least 6 or 7 drinks starting at 5PM. And another one, besides the fireman, had to have 14 jack and cokes every Friday night with his friends. And we all know about the fireman who drank a whole case of beer by himself on our first and last romantic weekend away. I loved my story where I called and left the breakup message on his home answering machine while he was working with a hangover. OMG.

Okay back to task:
Money/salary - they have to make enough to put a decent roof over their own head (no ratty place) and to drive a dependable car that doesn't embarrass me and do a few fun things like dinner out or the movies or stuff like that. I certainly don't demand a mercedes or the country club life. But it can't be someone who is a bum or someone who is reckless with money. I guess this is sort of a "midstream not that far off from me" kind of thing.

Integrity - they have to show through history that they have integrity and can make good decisions and do the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 7:16pm
OH this is good - we were typing at exactly the same time. Okay - I am going to copy/paste!! I totally agree with you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 7:56pm

I agree especially with the tolerance issue on religion. A growing spirituality is wonderful and personal but tolerance is key in my book! Also great additional deal breakers you mention.


One more I forgot: Cheating....Deal breaker for me. I could not go back after infidelity.


~Pacific~

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 8:50pm
You do realize this probably wipes out the entire match.com population the way I see it right now?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 9:13am

My deal breakers:


The well being of my children, and this includes him displaying behavior I'd want them to emulate rather than behavior I don't want them to display.


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 12:08pm

There's not much more I can add to what is already here, although I guess I never REALLY thought about it before...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 3:26pm

I have to agree that the safety of my kids does come first.

Religion: I'm pretty flexible about that as long as they don't go too far in either direction, (way too religious or way too against it). I think as a general rule as long as they support the fact that I have my beliefs then I'm fine. I am not super religious but I have my moments. I couldn't be with someone that had to pray about everything or was what I refer to as a "Bible thumper". Religion is a very personal thing.

Politics: This is hard. I am very liberal in much of my thinking. I also think each to his own. I am really against the war and wasting our resources, ruining our wild life and open spaces. I don't discriminate against people based on their life choices, race or sexual orientation. People make different choices than I would (I don't necessarily think sexual orientation is a choice) but that doesn't mean that they aren't perfectly wonderful people with lots to offer. I can deal with bigotry in any form. Some people see all those as political choices any one not in agreement with the latter (bigot) need not be around me at all. I have no tolerance for people who aren't tolerant ;0) Deal Breaker

Drug and Alcohol abuse: Someone that drinks heavily or often is not welcome. My ex is an alcoholic and I just don't need it. A happy drunk is still a drunk nonetheless.

Money/Salary: Money is not as important to me as an education. If you have a job you love and can support yourself, good for you. That is really all that is required from me. I don't need someone to support and take care of me and my kids, I can do that just fine on my own, thank you very much. I did have problems with my ex because I was better educated that he was. He had a problem with that for some reason and was very sensitive about it yet had no motivation to change it. I put myself through school at night and worked full time. He could have done the same if he would have been interested. Still could but still does nothing