Dealbraker? Amount of Time Together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Dealbraker? Amount of Time Together?
11
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 2:14pm

I have a friend who is breaking up with her boyfriend because he basically smothers her. He wants to be with her every non-asleep/non-working minute. She has her own family and friends and activities she enjoys - but he wants to be with her all the time. He has a good job and his family is nice - they just don't hang out together like hers does.

What are your thoughts? I thought this could be a good discussion of the week. Is this a dealbreaker?

I told her you can't really change him - you can try to set better boundaries - but really if someone is this way I don't think you can change it much. I think it has turned her off.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 3:38pm
Yeah, that would be a deal breaker for me. Same is true if the guy didn't have any free time to spend with me. If two people are mutually into each other, they fall into comfortable routine of seeing each other...one that is satisfying to both. If one wants to see the other much more often (or less), there's usually something else going on there that is the real deal breaker.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 5:25pm

This is one of those things that I think is SO important on which to have compatibility in a relationship! There is no "right" or "wrong" level of time spent together, as long as the amount of time spent is something that works for both people involved. If there is an off-balance, then one or both people will feel either smothered or ignored- and then will see something wrong with the relationship.

It's a hard one to define though- and that makes it hard to "see" in something like an online profile. Some profiles might say "I'm a busy person" or "I love my work" but those same people might also think that whoever they date- MUST be willing to spend every non-working moment together! Others might think that although they are busy, they still don't want to spend every free moment with a partner around. They have other people they want to see (like family or other friends), or they just want some time alone. Yet they are both "busy people"... but it's how you spend the non-busy times that can make a difference in compatibility.

I know I am a person who likes having alone time. I crave time to myself more often than I not- and find myself hardly ever feeling lonely because I LOVE my alone time. (did I say I like having time to myself!??) So I've had boyfriends in the past who wanted to spend all HIS free time with me, and that would leave me feeling smothered. Just because I had some free time, doesn't mean I would automatically want to fill it with a date! I think that is what works with Hiker and I. He is busy, I am busy... but even when it comes to our "free" time (meaning non-work, non-kid time)- we are not demanding that we spend ALL that time doing something together. And the other isn't offended if we have something on our own to do. It doesn't mean we love each other less... it just means we have our OWN LIFE and aren't joined at the hip! I see that as a GOOD thing!

But I've had boyfriends who would think I was "not loving him" because I wanted to spend some of my free time working on a cross-stitch or reading a book rather than hang out with him. Sometimes I just want some time to do my OWN things, on my OWN time... and thankfully Hiker understands that. So that works for us. He's turned down some offers of mine to go do something, because he wants to work on his floors (home improvement project that is ongoing). Or I turn him down for going to a movie because I'd rather do my workout and then work on a project of my own. To get the stuff done when I can... and he understands. We don't get offended because we know that our relationship isn't about being joined at the hip, but about enjoying the time we DO get together, together.

So I think it IS a deal-breaker, but it's not an easy to define on a list with some sort of tangible time frame. It's a deal-breaker that you can only discover by simply living it, and seeing how it is compatible or not, overall. I can't place any TIME on how much time I want to spend with someone, and I can't expect anyone else to, either. This is one of those things you can only know by just spending some time dating and it either matches or it doesn't (with some negotiating/compromising, to a point). I think most people just have an innate need for more alone time, or more togetherness, and you can't force someone to change that completely, even though people can adjust and deal with short time frames of the opposite. It's when someone has to live with something that is opposite of what their basic needs are, that they will start feeling unhappy with the relationship.

Good topic, West!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 7:10pm

Great notes as always, Shrimps. I do know you have a lot of busy and interesting interests!!

These two have met in real life. And they have been dating for 9 months. He seems to want to do EVERYTHING with her and even sprung an early proposal on her. Her initial reaction was NO - I don't want to live the rest of my life with you. And then we went through the WHY did she feel like that - it baffled everyone - her parents, him, herself, me - all involved.

BUT today we figured it out - she doesn't want to feel smothered or have to have that pressure for her life. And we think he bases his whole life and happiness on her. He needs to find more stuff to do. To his credit he has always worked very hard - 2 jobs and school - but now he has graduated school and has a good job so more time on his hands.

I think she will feel better to describe the way she is feeling in length and see his reaction to it - does he see it that way and want to change? Or does he feel that he should get to spend all the time with his GF.

I had asked her - if he went off and married someone else how would you feel? And she said she would feel absolutely crushed - she has feelings for him. So, on that respect I think they need to talk and then she will have a better grasp on it.

He is really into her and they have a lot of compatibility in almost all areas of their lives.

I also think she has to get better at setting boundaries - she has been so nice and always wanting to please him that she has not expressed this.

Other thoughts and comments are welcome. I have enjoyed watching her story - it has given me a lot of inspiration.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 7:35pm

I think they could make this difference something they can work through. But a couple of things have to happen:

1) She has to tell him what she wants. And to STOP accommodating his needs if she is actually feeling smothered! She won't survive long if she allows herself to feel smothered!

(For years I used to get that 'smothered' feeling in certain relationships and then wondered why I felt that way! It took lots of years before I realized that it was just something I needed (the space) and that there wasn't anything wrong with me for that- I just needed to find a partner who was okay with that)

2) He needs to understand that her need for space isn't a sign that she loves him any less. It's just a basic need she has for some space. (I totally get that, because I'm that way, too). If he can't grasp that concept, and can't accept it without getting offended about her wanting to do some things without him by her side... then that could become a factor that ends things.

3) He needs to find some hobbies of his own. (Or at least not be offended by her having other activities apart from him.)

I've always laughed at the whole concept of "golf widows" and thought that I'd WELCOME some time as a "golf widow" because I like having my time to myself, too! It wouldn't be a problem if a man went off to play golf for half a day without me! lol In fact, I just blogged a bit a few days ago about how I was actually a bit relieved that Hiker had a weekend-long camping trip with his son and Scouts troops- because it allowed me some "time off" without having to juggle the kids and a date and all that. I could just hang with the kids and not watch the clock for anything, and it was a nice break. But that doesn't mean I don't want to date Hiker or didn't enjoy our time together. I just like having my time as MY TIME sometimes. I'd go NUTS if Hiker wasn't a busy person and asked to spend every spare moment together, doing something. We'd never have even lasted 4 months because I would've felt smothered in that little time. On Wednesday, it will be officially 1.5 yrs since our very first date. But who's counting. ;-)

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 9:16pm

Okay, Shrimps, I will give her that list tomorrow! That is a great solution and list of things to do. And you are right. She has to set boundaries. And he has to realize she needs her space and that it doesn't mean she loves him any less.

They are such a great couple - and I hope this is just a speed bump. I will keep you posted.

Glad to hear you and Hiker have this worked out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 9:28pm

Actually, Hiker and I have never "worked it out". It just happened that we tend to match this way and so there wasn't a need for any compromise on this matter.

I do sense that he could probably last longer with the 24/7 togetherness than I could- but even when we spent the week in Vegas together over Christmas, it wasn't like I was screaming for space. I think I have to go longer than a week or so without some alone-time before I start feeling smothered. Like the 2-week trips I take with my parents (and kids) to California during the summers- we have a great time together... but by the area of Day 12 or so, we all start getting a bit cranky and needing some space from each other!

I know Hiker needs space and alone-time, too. When he had his ex and daughter (and granddaughters) all living in his house last summer- it drove him nuts at times, and he would "escape" by hiding out in his bedroom or coming over to my house. He would need some time when he didn't have to talk to anyone or deal with any demands for anything.

I've learned that it doesn't make anyone "antisocial" to want more alone time, nor does it mean anyone is "totally needy" just because they like having people around alot. It's just that everyone has their own personalities and characteristics that make them unique. When it comes to relationships though- it really makes a difference if you KNOW YOURSELF and also know the other person, too. That way you can understand what their needs are and what might be overstepping their limits.

~shrimpy, who is finding this all quite interesting (any more "conflicts" to discuss??)

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 9:49pm

You are funny. I can imagine that after 12 days of family time you would go bonkers. I know I would!

I used to like more quality time with someone and I think I was needier in my younger days. And probably more so because work was my whole life and I didn't have any other hobbies. Then I became a mom and business owner and athlete. So now I do cherish my alone time. I find myself getting annoyed if I have too many things to do on the calendar. So maybe I have changed with age.

I know I would not like it if a guy travelled a lot or lived very far away that we could not see each other that much. But I would like regular time. Not too much and not too little.

Well, that is all the conflict I can think of right now for these two.

But I can think of one good piece from my exh. He LOVED to spend vacations with his family. And I detested that. To make matters worse, his sisters liked to rent a cottage and the whole family would LIVE TOGETHER. That is another long story - they were so rude and unpleasant and there was always a mess and a drama.

My ideal vacation is somewhere to have an adventure on my own. I mean I love camping in the desert, exploring Indian ruins, white water rafting, mountain biking, hiking, being on a boat, scuba diving, riding a bike a long way, running trails, canoeing, even seeing the great wall of China (haven't done that yet though), running all over Switzerland hiking and taking the trains and such.

I detest spending a lot of time with family for a vacation. That smothers me. We could never agree on this. And his family didn't treat me nice - they didn't treat anyone nice.

I always joke that that is what having sex too soon too much when you are young does to you- we were just so different but all we did in the beginning of our dating was go to bed together.

So anyway, I think that could be good for discussion and maybe in our smother topic? I mean I know family is important but I would rather have very small doses and maintain my love of activities and adventure!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 11:13pm

I casually dated a guy (I saw him three times, I think) a while ago who was he smothering type. I got that really quickly, though, and ended what might have been a fun-for-a-minute relationship.

I need space. I need time to pluck my eyebrows and read a juicy novel and talk on the phone with my girlfriends for hours about nothing. It's part of my genetic makeup.

However, I also know myself, and i know that in the beginning, when everything's new and fresh and fun, there's nothing I like more than spending time with a guy. I have to force myself not to overwhelm MYSELF, even if the guy is cool with it, or wants more. Me time is essential to my very being. After a few weeks of spending too much time with anyone, I don't want to spend ANY time with them.

Luckily, I have enough interests and other people in my life to keep me busy, even if you take the kids out of the equation, which isn't really possible.

Moody, who likes alone time too much maybe


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 2:48am

Hey Shrimpy

My very first date with Monkey was exactly the same day as yours with Hiker. 21 August 2005. Tee hee. I like coincidences. I am going to organise a surprise evening for him on Wednesday to celebrate our 18 months. I'm thinking fresh white sheets, rose petals, candlelight, music and champagne. Can't wait!

I'm just an old romantic!

Clem xx

p.s. West - sorry for hijacking this thread - will reply to the question in another message... ;o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 2:58am

Hi

My conflict is within myself. I am someone who gets lonely very easily, and I admit I do crave Monkey's presence on the rare occasions we are not together. I recognise that this is possibly not very healthy, and am trying to become slightly more independent, gradually, mainly because I feel I "should". I hate the notion of being clingy, but recognise I do have clingy tendancies that I want to zap.

Although Monkey is not the clingy type, I think he does enjoy spending lots of time with me. We have talked about it on several occasions, and the general consensus is that we do want to spend as much time together as we can, either on our own or with friends. Whenever it is possible, we see our friends together, but if one or other wants to do something, and the other one can't for whatever reason, then it is cool for the other person to go ahead and do it. That's the theory, but it doesn't actually happen in practice very often. I never had any problems with him going out with his friends before we lived together. Now it doesn't really happen like that any more as we live about 35 minutes from our places of work, and enjoy our early nights tucked up in bed with Prison Break. We like not being too tired in the morning, as we both get up early to get the kids ready for school. So it works, and I think it suits us both.

I agree that both people have to be comfortable with the arrangement, and see what works for them.

Clem xx

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