dealing with ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
dealing with ex
4
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:06pm
I can onto this board wanting to talk about my dating situation, but have something else I would like everyone's opinions on. It has to do with child custody/child support. My ex lives only a few miles from me and the kids. He does get to have the kids every other weekend, but doesn't follow that at all. He goes in streaks were he will call to see them every weekend and then all of a sudden the kids don't hear from him for 6 weeks. It is really hard on my oldest who is 8. And to top it off, he doesn't pay child support, or close to any. He will pay something about every 3-4 months, and never the full amount. I get so mad that he comes and goes as he pleases, and doesn't come close to helping pay for anything for the kids I work full time, plus a couple nights here and there at a 2nd job so I don't fall behind. He treated me awful at the end of our marriage and still tries to make me feel like nothing when we do have to talk (although he doesn't get to me anymore) That was part of the reason I left him, not to mention he had a hard time holding a job and was just an ass. My family doesn't understand why I let him see the kids when he can't pay support or stick to a schedule, which is also causing a problem - they help me out with the kids a lot, when I have to work or even when I need a night out. I feel bad not letting my kids see their dad when they want to. I do sometimes think I let him take the kids now and then just to give myself a break, but I don't want to hurt my kids either. I don't know what to do, just let him see them when he feels the need, even though he doesn't seem to care when the kids need him? I see how bad it hurts my boys when they try call their dad and he won't answer their calls for weeks. But then out of nowhere he wants to take them for the weekend, and they of course want to see him. Has anyone else been through something similiar? I am lost, don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
In reply to: sh100
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:36pm

ME ME ME!! I am presently going though all of this. ItS FRUSTRATING as all heck isnt it and no one understands that just because he doesnt pay child support or show up as court ordered - its not enough reason for you to keep the kids from him.


Tomorrow is my exes weekend for visitation and I deal with the stupid game of will he or wont he show up-- or will he be late 2-3 hours?? AND then on Sundays for drop off he always trys to bring them back early. It drives me insane and my boyfreind really struggles with this as well because we cant make plans really because you never know what will happen with my ex. ITS SO HARD.


My advice is what I have been told is lay down the line. His weekend is this-- and its at this time. If he doesnt show up-- leave and make sure you have back up plans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
In reply to: sh100
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:41pm
Thanks for sharing, it is frustrating and stressful. I envy those that have a good relationship with their ex and can work together to raise their kids.

My ex also does the pick-up late/drop-off early. I would not answer the phone when he would try calling to drop them off. (he could always leave a message in an emergency) There has been times when he has tried calling, I don't answer and he will drop them off at my parents saying he was supposed to drop them off there and I would be there in a few minutes - which is a huge lie. When he decides he has had enough of the parenting role for the weekend he finds somebody to take them, which they always call me right away and then I have to go get them.

Right now my kids still want to see him, so I let them. I think that once they see what a looser he is for themselves they will decide on their own they don't want anything to do with him. But what do I know, my parents are still together and I don't know anyone else that has had to deal with something like this.

I do feel it's me against everyone else on the subject. Everyone I know says - don't let him see the kids. Easy for them to say, much harder to do.

Stacy

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: sh100
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 8:42am
AW STACY! I totally know where your coming from! I have two girls from two different fathers, none of them pay child support and both are dead beats. They only act like fathers WHEN THEY WANT TOO! Everything you described I go through with my youngest child. The other father isn't living close, so he just basically dropped out of my oldest her life, unless of course he suddenly has a pang for fatherhood, guilt or drunk! Sometimes it's all wrapped up in one and he calls to tell her he loves her and ALEX LAPS IT ALL UP!!! I can't refuse visitation or refuse that they communicate with their fathers. They are the fathers and the children love their dads. I basically get the kick in the butt when ANYTHING goes wrong, but my kids, think that their father is the cat's meow and they do NOTHING for them. So why are we always being punished for being the bad guy to the children or the stupid X-wife? Because society still makes men look to be forgiven for everything and the woman is still held responsible for everything. Some things, no matter how modern, will not change. We are still carrying the main load and expected to do so. You are not alone Stacy. MOst of the mom's here, except for a couple of exceptions, are going through the same thing. Big hugs to you and if I haven't told you yet: Welcome to the Board!

- Catherine
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
In reply to: sh100
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:22am
I know this scenario all too well. I have been divorced for six years now, and it is much better now than it was in the begining.

I also work in the legal field, so I do know a few things about visitation and child support issues. First and foremost, you can not withhold visitation because he isn't paying child support. But in spite of this, do not let him have the control he wants. If the visitation is supposed to be every other weekend, Friday at 6:00 pm to Sunday at 6pm....strictly adhere to that. If my ex were supposed to be there by 6:00 pm, he had an hour grace period. If he weren't there by 7:00 p.m., kids and I were gone, unless of course he called to advise he would be a little late. In the same respect, if they were due back by 6:00 p.m, I was gone from the house until 5:00 p.m. I instructed my family that they were not to accept the kids under any circumstances. (I know that sounds harsh, but in the end it worked). In the same vein, if they were due back by 6:00 pm and they weren't back by 7:00 pm, and there was no phone call from him advising they would be late, I called the Police. You have the upper hand...you have custody of the kids, but you also, as well as your children, have a right to some semblence of normalcy. My ex knows that I won't hesitate to re-institute this if he gets out of hand. He is now at the stage where he is willing to work with me as far as visitation goes. If your ex continues to be a jerk about his children....without your influence, you children will eventually pick this up. My 14 year old daughter at one point in her life thought her father hung the moon, no matter what he did to her. She is just now starting to realize this is not the case. You don't have to make him look bad, he will do that for himself.

As for the child supoprt issue...check the laws in your state. You can read the state statutes by going to GOOGLE and searching for Kentucky (insert your state) Child Support Laws. My suggestion is to not wait until he is thousands of dollars behind. If the law of your states says 4 weeks behind, or 1,000 behind, begin the process at that point. Most states have a child support enfocement department, by all means, seek their assistance.

I kept a two column ledger....one for the day child support was due...one for when he paid. That way I knew at a moment's notice how far, if at all, he was behind in child support. He has been thrown in jail once for non-support. I am sure, like most of us...at one point you think if he is in jail he can't possibly pay support. Well I changed that thinking quickly. My motto now is....if he isn't paying support, he needs to be in jail. I do know in the state of Kentucky, even if he is in jail, he still owes me support. Support doesn't stop just because he isn't able to work.

Also, another thing I did for a long time (I don't anymore, but did in the begining) was to keep a diary of every day he called the kids, approximately the lenght of the conversation, if he talked with me, basically what the covnersation was about. If he said I will pick the kids up this weekend...I put that in the diary. If he didn't show up for visitation, I also diaried that. It gives you something concrete should you ever need it.

You have to be the one to take control....that is what he wants. Don't let him have it.

Just a positive note....in my case these issues have become much easier with the passing of time.