Dealing with friends breaking up

Avatar for comountainsprite
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Dealing with friends breaking up
8
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:30pm
I talked to dh this morning and got some sad news. His friend and his wife are for sure finished. I don't know if any of you remember but they were our attendants for our wedding and by the time the wedding came around were barely speaking and talking divorce. Then they decided to work on things and it got better, and since it was better for a few months decided to have another baby and it looked like things might work out but I guess it's been getting worse and worse for awhile now. They went to Cancun to try to rekindle something and it got really really bad, they had a huge fight and she started punching him while they were laying in bed and he's had it. He figures that if she did it once, she'll do it again and he's not willing to put up with that (nor should he BTW, I did put up with that and worse and I shouldn't have). But I'm just so sad for them and mostly for the two boys who are 3 and 6 months. Her family is vindictive and hates him anyway and she is very easily swayed by her family (and her sister makes nasty comments about her husband in front of her own kids--which is something I've witnessed personally--so I don't have any faith that her family will make sure not to badmouth our friend in front of the kids). Anyway, my point is that right now they're saying they're going to try and do it without lawyers and amicably but once her family finds out, that'll be pretty much out the window. They'll go for the throat; already did last year when her brother got divorced. And the awful part is the kids suffer for it. He is going to be devastated when reality hits that he's going to be paying a lot more in child support than he thinks he will, not to mention she doesn't have a job because she's been staying home with the kids and when he finds out that there's no way he's going to get custody of either son. It's a shame, as he's a good dad but his job has him on call at least every other weekend and some weeknights and that means he sometimes has to leave at the drop of a hat and may be out working at 2 a.m.



And then there's the mess of friendships that get weird. She was one of my local friends but we weren't really close especially since she'd gotten so busy with the kids, and generally we spent time together as couples. And unfortunately, I do know him better and he's likely going to be leaning pretty heavily on dh for support as dh is one of his very best friends in town so I don't feel comfortable being really chummy with her. And quite frankly, I know that it sounds bad because you never know the whole story but I do know that he's never laid a hand on her and some of the things I've heard recently make it difficult for me to maintain that she's really a sweet girl just not very smart about relationships. But of course that makes me feel disloyal for abandoning a friend. And one of my other really good friends is one of her best friends so I'm a little concerned about how that will affect our friendship. I know the friendship concerns sound selfish and really are to a certain extent but at the same time I'm concerned about how to handle all of it on a moral level. Does that make any sense at all? I take my integrity seriously and a large part of that is my recognition of the importance of loyalty and friendship but here my loyalties are somewhat divided. Oh, and just to make it more comfortable--NOT--we found this out when dh called to confirm with his friend that he and his wife were coming over for dinner on Saturday night and his friend said that he was coming and he thought she might be coming but he doesn't know for sure.

Yuck! It's all so sad, sad, sad. And yes, predictable (they only got married in the first place because she was pregnant after dating for only 3 months). But still sad and awful and I hurt for the kids. Anyway, and yes, I did have a point. How have the rest of you who've experienced it dealt with a close couple friend splitting up? I mean did it make you feel weird? I mean it doesn't make me worry about our marriage, it's just awkward in how to deal with the whole social circle.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:47pm
The only couple I can remember in recent history breaking up that I knew well, was our downstairs neighbors. They were more my SO's friends than mine but still it was weird. Especially because I knew it was going on even before they told people. You know when you get those feelings? I will see the guy of the relationship at a wedding of a mutual friend this Saturday and I'm really wondering if he's bringing a date. It'll be weird. I've only ever known them as a couple. To see him with another woman is going to be very strange. And you know how us girls are, I am all set not to like her, though I'm trying not to be like that. I feel badly for his ex-gf because I know she got her heart broken.

Yet, still I really like him. So it's very awkward indeed.

I'm so sorry about your friends. What a sad situation!

Tara

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:03pm
Our "friends" T & T split up. We remained very good friends with him. Dh still works with HER, and we have to see HER quite often. It's weird. Neither of us LIKE her - so it's not THAT weird, except that she knew TT first - and for awhile expressed very loudly that he was a traitor, etc., etc., etc.

Our other friends haven't split up, but are trying to work things out after his affair, that we both know WAY TOO much about. And right now, she's in the "I'm not feeling like working this out anymore" mode. She is telling ME that and having TT help her get her a room in Laguna for 3 days because she's got to get away, and HE is calling ME and telling me "you have to make her stay! We can fix this!" And it's WEIRD. Don't know what to do.

I don't have any advice for you, Andrea. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm mostly sorry for those two innocent boys involved in this whole mess. Sigh. So sad. Hug MG and be thankful for everything you have is the very best advice I can give.

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Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 10:44am

Hi Andrea, sorry for this whole situation!

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:35am

How have the rest of you who've experienced it dealt with a close couple friend splitting up? ... I haven't dealt with a couple that we are friends with splitting up. That MUST be so hard to deal with in social settings. What I AM currently going through is a possible divorce between my sister and her husband. And I am so SO sad about it. He's my brother. I stood up for them at their wedding. And I just don't feel ok with "divorcing" him myself.


Makes me sick to think about it.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for comountainsprite
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 4:35pm
Thanks. I don't know all of the exact details but this is the first time it ever happened with her pounding on him but his point was if it happened once, it's gonna happen again and probably won't be as long in between and he's totally right on that point. And while it's not a matter of whether she could physically hurt him (she's about 5 ft and he's about 6'1" and a combat veteran) but that the behavior is inexcusable. The breakup itself has been coming but that was just a last straw thing for him. It was more of an "if we've come to this, we really shouldn't even try any longer to stay together."

As for custody, there's no way. As far as that incident it'd be a he said/she said sort of thing with her denying it and his job would be a major strike against him. I honestly don't think the kids are in any danger and in fact are often not given limits at all. They live right across the street from her parents so I have a feeling if the kids are getting on her nerves too much, she'll just take them over to her mom.

Oh an aside though, dh confirmed with his friend this morning about dinner and the whole family is coming. So I am in the ever so fun position of having to pretend like I don't know anything and it's all normal because he told MG and knew MG would tell me but asked dh to tell me not to say anything to anyone. Not exactly the dinner guest situation I was planning originally. Oh well.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 7:13am
I can definitely understand this being very difficult for you. Very awkward indeed. As for her hitting her husband, let me just say, that is EXACTLY what I did to my X. I hit him in the face and chest a few times that stupid 6,4, 200 pound idiot, because he deserved it. He lied, cheated and tried to mentally abuse me, by telling me I was nuts and hallucinating. Calling my family and telling them that I needed to go to a crazy house because I was thinking he was having an affair. He didn't just have one, he had MANY! When I found his letters to his mistresses I just waited for him to come home and then he GOT IT GOOD. Later, he tells everyone how I flipped and beat up a 6'4 man. Sure I'm sure it hurt, but it didn't even come close to the pain I was feeling. Anyway, when he told the court they just grinned and shook their head, because they knew why. I am 5'5. I don't think I'm violent. I say he deserved it. So unless you know the story or were put in the same situation ( I am not saying this is what is going on with your friends, but you didn't say why she hit him (at least I think you didn't)), don't judge everything you hear, because usually their is more of a story behind it. I know that I was wronged until everyone knew the reason and then they said, I couldn't have done anything better. My X deserved every smack in the face and more. Sometimes I wish I could relive that moment.

Avatar for comountainsprite
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:42am
I do respect what you said, but unfortunately am close enough to the situation to know that in fact none of the behaviors you described are the case. I do know that she was intoxicated at the time, but most of the marital problems they've had in the past 6 months have not been one sided and in fact he's compromised a lot which has really been a growth for him (he was stubborn, selfish guy going into the marriage). Anyway, I have to wonder (I'm sure she'll end up telling me Sat as she is coming to dinner) if she wasn't trying to goad him into striking her--sounds unreasonable but I've seen it happen. Not because she wanted to be struck but wanted something to hold up against him to show how awful he is. Unfortunately, she's been told time and time again by her sister and mother that you should manipulate, lie and punish your husband as much as possible. And I've witnessed that in her family with social situations and have seen her do it (it was when she wasn't listening to her family that they were getting along.)
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 11:08am
Well I think it's very sad when family get involved. I know from my own mom how much she tried to manipulate my marriage. I just didn't let her, but she caused enough grief. I really find that situation sad when family gets involved. You would think they would want their sons and daughters happy inside of the opposite, but I saw with my own mom the manipulative way she tried to do things. For awhile I didn't catch on, but when I did, it was already too late. ON the otherhand, the husband was cheating for years anyway, so maybe she knew in the back of her mind and wanted to save me the pain. I don't know! The woman obviously needs some therapy. Since you never really liked her, I would stay out of her way. I have friends that I am really close with, but they are friends with others where I tell my friends (or don't) that I can't get along with that person and then I make a long walk around them. Or try to change the topic as soon as their name comes up. :) Good luck.