Dealing with friends breaking up
Find a Conversation
Dealing with friends breaking up
| Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:30pm |
I talked to dh this morning and got some sad news. His friend and his wife are for sure finished. I don't know if any of you remember but they were our attendants for our wedding and by the time the wedding came around were barely speaking and talking divorce. Then they decided to work on things and it got better, and since it was better for a few months decided to have another baby and it looked like things might work out but I guess it's been getting worse and worse for awhile now. They went to Cancun to try to rekindle something and it got really really bad, they had a huge fight and she started punching him while they were laying in bed and he's had it. He figures that if she did it once, she'll do it again and he's not willing to put up with that (nor should he BTW, I did put up with that and worse and I shouldn't have). But I'm just so sad for them and mostly for the two boys who are 3 and 6 months. Her family is vindictive and hates him anyway and she is very easily swayed by her family (and her sister makes nasty comments about her husband in front of her own kids--which is something I've witnessed personally--so I don't have any faith that her family will make sure not to badmouth our friend in front of the kids). Anyway, my point is that right now they're saying they're going to try and do it without lawyers and amicably but once her family finds out, that'll be pretty much out the window. They'll go for the throat; already did last year when her brother got divorced. And the awful part is the kids suffer for it. He is going to be devastated when reality hits that he's going to be paying a lot more in child support than he thinks he will, not to mention she doesn't have a job because she's been staying home with the kids and when he finds out that there's no way he's going to get custody of either son. It's a shame, as he's a good dad but his job has him on call at least every other weekend and some weeknights and that means he sometimes has to leave at the drop of a hat and may be out working at 2 a.m.
And then there's the mess of friendships that get weird. She was one of my local friends but we weren't really close especially since she'd gotten so busy with the kids, and generally we spent time together as couples. And unfortunately, I do know him better and he's likely going to be leaning pretty heavily on dh for support as dh is one of his very best friends in town so I don't feel comfortable being really chummy with her. And quite frankly, I know that it sounds bad because you never know the whole story but I do know that he's never laid a hand on her and some of the things I've heard recently make it difficult for me to maintain that she's really a sweet girl just not very smart about relationships. But of course that makes me feel disloyal for abandoning a friend. And one of my other really good friends is one of her best friends so I'm a little concerned about how that will affect our friendship. I know the friendship concerns sound selfish and really are to a certain extent but at the same time I'm concerned about how to handle all of it on a moral level. Does that make any sense at all? I take my integrity seriously and a large part of that is my recognition of the importance of loyalty and friendship but here my loyalties are somewhat divided. Oh, and just to make it more comfortable--NOT--we found this out when dh called to confirm with his friend that he and his wife were coming over for dinner on Saturday night and his friend said that he was coming and he thought she might be coming but he doesn't know for sure.
And then there's the mess of friendships that get weird. She was one of my local friends but we weren't really close especially since she'd gotten so busy with the kids, and generally we spent time together as couples. And unfortunately, I do know him better and he's likely going to be leaning pretty heavily on dh for support as dh is one of his very best friends in town so I don't feel comfortable being really chummy with her. And quite frankly, I know that it sounds bad because you never know the whole story but I do know that he's never laid a hand on her and some of the things I've heard recently make it difficult for me to maintain that she's really a sweet girl just not very smart about relationships. But of course that makes me feel disloyal for abandoning a friend. And one of my other really good friends is one of her best friends so I'm a little concerned about how that will affect our friendship. I know the friendship concerns sound selfish and really are to a certain extent but at the same time I'm concerned about how to handle all of it on a moral level. Does that make any sense at all? I take my integrity seriously and a large part of that is my recognition of the importance of loyalty and friendship but here my loyalties are somewhat divided. Oh, and just to make it more comfortable--NOT--we found this out when dh called to confirm with his friend that he and his wife were coming over for dinner on Saturday night and his friend said that he was coming and he thought she might be coming but he doesn't know for sure.
Yuck! It's all so sad, sad, sad. And yes, predictable (they only got married in the first place because she was pregnant after dating for only 3 months). But still sad and awful and I hurt for the kids. Anyway, and yes, I did have a point. How have the rest of you who've experienced it dealt with a close couple friend splitting up? I mean did it make you feel weird? I mean it doesn't make me worry about our marriage, it's just awkward in how to deal with the whole social circle.

Yet, still I really like him. So it's very awkward indeed.
I'm so sorry about your friends. What a sad situation!
Tara
Our other friends haven't split up, but are trying to work things out after his affair, that we both know WAY TOO much about. And right now, she's in the "I'm not feeling like working this out anymore" mode. She is telling ME that and having TT help her get her a room in Laguna for 3 days because she's got to get away, and HE is calling ME and telling me "you have to make her stay! We can fix this!" And it's WEIRD. Don't know what to do.
I don't have any advice for you, Andrea. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm mostly sorry for those two innocent boys involved in this whole mess. Sigh. So sad. Hug MG and be thankful for everything you have is the very best advice I can give.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Hi Andrea, sorry for this whole situation!
How have the rest of you who've experienced it dealt with a close couple friend splitting up? ... I haven't dealt with a couple that we are friends with splitting up. That MUST be so hard to deal with in social settings. What I AM currently going through is a possible divorce between my sister and her husband. And I am so SO sad about it. He's my brother. I stood up for them at their wedding. And I just don't feel ok with "divorcing" him myself.
Makes me sick to think about it.
As for custody, there's no way. As far as that incident it'd be a he said/she said sort of thing with her denying it and his job would be a major strike against him. I honestly don't think the kids are in any danger and in fact are often not given limits at all. They live right across the street from her parents so I have a feeling if the kids are getting on her nerves too much, she'll just take them over to her mom.
Oh an aside though, dh confirmed with his friend this morning about dinner and the whole family is coming. So I am in the ever so fun position of having to pretend like I don't know anything and it's all normal because he told MG and knew MG would tell me but asked dh to tell me not to say anything to anyone. Not exactly the dinner guest situation I was planning originally. Oh well.