Decision made

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Decision made
2
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 12:31pm

Hi everyone. I posted a while back here asking for advice on what to do about my boyfriend, who is also the father of our baby. Even though he is a great guy, I am not in love with him, and I have chosen to move out of our apartment that we share by the summer. I received so much great advice from the women here, and I wanted to thank you. Ultimately, though, I reached the decision all on my own, because, after all, only I know what is going to work out best for us.

Anyway, I feel positive about my decision. I don't love him, and marrying him because we have a daughter together is never going to change that. I do care about him deeply though, and I hate how this is going to hurt him. In time, I am positive he will see this the way I do, that it really is what is best for all of us.

That said, I still hate what is going to happen in regards to our daughter. I can't get over the guilt that she will not be living in a two parent home. I can't figure out or imagine how holidays are going to be spent, or actually not putting her to bed every night. We plan to share custody, but most of the time, she wants her mommy. He finds that hard to understand, and I can't blame him. He must feel like I want to take her away from him too. I don't, but I want to be the primary caretaker. Can shared custody really work? How can I get over the guilt? Thanks again for any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: chriss146
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:15pm

Well, all any of us can ever do is the very best with the cards we are dealt. A 2 parent home is no guarantee although when happy is the ideal.

If you and your ex make an effort to co-parent then you will do a great job. It is all in how you look out your "window" - you have to try to see the positive. You do have a second chance at finding the SO who is right for you - and that will give your child a chance at seeing a good relationship. You will have time for yourself when your DD is with her father - and if you use the time wisely that makes you a better more patient parent.

Take each day one day at a time and it will all work out.

There are moms on here who have shared custody and it works fine for them. I think it depends on the individuals.

The important thing is that you tried your very best and now you are making the right decision for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: chriss146
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:00pm

Do not feel guilty about the single parent home situation. Splitting while your daughter is so young is actually "easier" than staying until she's older. I left my exh when our son was 5 months old. He has no memory of us living together and neither does he want us to live together.

It's true that when you split, you will be spending more time with her than he will. Do not feel bad about this. Your daughter can not be in two places at once. She will have a relationship with her dad even when you're not living together. I know that some people enjoy a 50/50 parenting situation. However, I know that I would not want to live 50% of the time in one house and 50% of the time in another house. I don't think kids are any different. It's hard to live out of a suitcase.

Holidays are hard. We had to get a court order to alternate holidays. I will not say that it's easy, but you learn to live with it. It does get better as the child gets older.