Decisions, Decisions....LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Decisions, Decisions....LOL
14
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:00am
That man confuses me more every day!

I wanted to cover something pretty serious with Shane and last night T was still in Dallas, so we had the house to ourselves. Dylan was asleep and nothing riveting was on tv. Great time to talk. I told Shane that now was the time to figure out or begin thinking about me getting my tubes tied after having this baby. I wanted to know what he thought. His thought was not to do it. He isn't sure he's done having kids and he would like to have one more. But he said it was ultimately MY decision because it's my body. But I told him I don't make big decisions without him. This is a big decision.

Now that we've narrowed out house search to 4 homes, only one of them is 4 bedrooms and it also has 2 living areas which enables me to use one of those as an office and guitar room. And it closes off from the rest of the house too. I feel that one is best if we plan another baby.

My biggest fear is that I'm 31 and will be 32 at the time this baby is born. I wasn't really hoping to be still having babies in my mid thirties, but I guess I can talk to my doctor about the risks and see what he says. I know I can still have a healthy baby if I take care of myself. So now we are talking about it and we will decide.

Shane's great with kids and I know he'd be wonderful with a housefull. I never thought I'd have even one, let alone 3.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:08am
It is too soon for you to worry about all of that now. I think you should have this baby, let it grow some and then see what you want to do with regards to your tubes.

I think you would have more heart ache over not being able to have a baby if you really wanted one, than having a whoops in a few years. This is from my observation with my friends.

And your last statement, "I never thought I'd have even one, let alone 3." tells all. You never know how the future will turn out.

I never thought I would be divorced. And now I would love the opportunity to meet the right person and have another baby with him. And I am 42. I was 34 when I had Nicholas...

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:16am

I agree here Mel. You know, I was stressing about that some too, when

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:18am
That's a great thought. And to be honest, I'm not worried about it too much. I just know that if you want your tubes tied after the birth, you have to let the doctor know plenty in advance and I wanted to avoid going back into the hospital just to do that if I could avoid it.

Having another baby isn't out of the realm of possibilities as long as we can afford to take good care of it. I know there will be plenty of love for many children.

I guess only time will tell....

Mel

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:35am
I can honestly say Shane would be against a Vas but for good reasons. He was born prematurely and had a slight birth defect that involved having a few surgeries to correct it. The surgeries were below the belt....but they aren't detectable at all other than his remembering them with lots of pain and embarassment. No scar or anything is visible, just emotional scars. I know he'd be very hesitant to allow another knife in that area. I'd never ask him to. It would be too hard for him. So the deal would be for me to do my part instead. But I'm okay with that int his case since he's been through so much as a young child.

I kind of hate to think about dong something that would keep me from ever having another child even if I KNEW I didn't want anymore. I'd cry for weeks, I'm sure. Just to think those days were really over. The IUD is something I've thought about and will ask my doctor about it. I do see the doctor for yearly exams so it would be no big deal. I do keep those up no matter how yucky they are.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Mel

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Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:41am

Yes, I understand. While I am 95 (or more?) percent sure that J and I don't want another child, neither one of us are ready to make it permamant. BUT..I've been realllly bad about being careful and remembering my pill lately. I suck at that. And I am TERRIFIED that I'll get "caught" again. So, I myself am going to discuss w/my doctor a different option. I think I am going to opt for the ring first off. Thank you for bringing up this conversation. I think I'll call for that appointment today. I've been putting it off. Was SO SICK of doctors that I couldn't stomach yet another pelvic, but it's time.


Thanks for the kick in the butt Mel!

Becky

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:45am
I'm amazed...the man you were considering leaving a few days ago you're now planning more kids with?

I really think till the counseling issue has been addressed, NO more plans about anything would be a good policy.

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:47pm
I'm not saying I'm really PLANNING this, but if things go well for us and we want this, then it isn't out of my realm of possibilities. That's all.

Counseling will help me decide how I want to live my life, but I'm not losing all hope that we will make it and maybe have another kid.

He's been better lately and I've tried to breathe and think before I speak, which is definitely part of the problem. I tend to make inflammatory remarks that I regret immediately because it was wrong. He's been listening and trying to be more helpful. A lot more affectionate, which never was the issue. He's always been physically good to me. Lots of kisses and hugs, hand holding, etc.

I know it will take some time. We have issues to work through, but neither of us are willing to give up just yet. I shouldn't have said I was wanting to leave him. I honestly don't. I know the man I fell for is still here. He's just stressed and tired and worn out from it all. Work kills him, hunting for a house is hard because he is ALWAYS at work and can't seem to get out for even a half hour to go see what I've picked. Money is tight, which bothers him since he makes a ton of it, and then coming home and hearing about something bad that happened or see me stressing is just not what he needs. But in my own defense, I have to talk too and he has to be the one to listen. I have no one else really unless a friend stops by or calls.

Like Bec, our relationship has been hard. The first year of marriage isn't going to be roses and I can accept that. But that is why I'm going to counseling soon to cover the issues I have and see how to deal with them better. I know part of who he is comes from how his ex wife treated him. All of his friends who have seen them together verify the same story and said she was so hard on him and it just knocked him for a loop, but he stayed and accepted it. He never went to counseling to deal with it. Bad idea. Theya ll say they see a difference in him with me. A deeper love and a trust he's never had with anyone before. So I have to try, you know. I have to give this a fair go if I don't want to have serious regrets.

I'm not going to make excuses for either of us. We both have been in the wrong. Him putting work above everything and my resentment of being alone have put a strain on things. He has to learn to let others do their job so he can stop stressing and I have to find my own thing. Once we both accept that responsibility, I think we'll be well on our way.

Thanks for your concern. I do understand your amazement. But I promise I won't do anything that isn't best for me and my children.

Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:50pm
Ok Mel, I'll try not to worry....you be careful.

(hugs)
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 1:12pm
My thoughts . . .

During pregnancy when hormones and emotional swings are constant is not a good time to make any permanent decisions about whether or not to have other children.

I don't understand what is with Americans today that they don't think kids can share a bedroom, and they think each child has to have their own. I don't get that. TT and I bought a VERY large house - yet it only has 3 bedrooms, and the boys share, so we can have a guest room. They LOVE sharing. Both of them. I understand 10 years from now this might not be the case - but I don't expect we'll be in this house for 10 years. I don't see why deciding to have one more child would increase the number of bedrooms. I also don't understand why I get so much grief when I tell people that our boys share a bedroom.

No matter WHEN you decide to do something permanent about birth control - you will deal with emotions. TT and I do NOT want any more children. Period. No exceptions. No second thoughts. But when I gave Alex's crib away and got back the lab report that said TT's vasectomy was successful and that he has no more sperm - I cried like a baby. A chapter in my life is finished. I will never again feel a little child growing and moving inside of me. I will never experience the miracle of birth again. I will never cradle a naked little newborn to my chest. While I am 100% confident I don't want more kids, the reality of that was very harsh.

Hugs to you. Don't make this decision now.

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 1:19pm
I also don't understand why I get so much grief when I tell people that our boys share a bedroom. ... I don't either. Astonishing! I shared with TWO sisters from the days they were born until I was 15. It was fine. Characther building.
Becky

Becky

 

 

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