Deep Programming
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| Thu, 08-16-2007 - 10:25am |
It's interesting how deeply we can be programmed by events of our past. Whether it be parents or friends or an ex... some stuff just somehow gets INGRAINED in there, and getting it all OUT can be tough!
Hiker and I had a speed bump to work through this week that opened my eyes to just how this stuff can influence, even when you are pretty much moved-on and healed. It can still come up out of nowhere and whack you when you least expect it.
So some of you remember last year, when his ex moved back home and he allowed her to stay at his house (which used to be THEIR house) because she had no place to live. While that was NOT in any way, good news to me (or him)- it was still FACT and he couldn't tell me. It wasn't until the week of her arrival that he finally broke the news- maybe because he was up against a deadline and HAD to tell me somehow.
We had a big discussion over it (I'm not sure if I can call it a fight- because it was never that way) and my big point was that him allowing her to stay at his house when he really didn't WANT her to- that was HIS problem, not mine. But what WAS my problem, was that he felt that he couldn't tell me about it. I know it was bad news, but still- I expect honesty and openness. Bad stuff will come up. Hiding it doesn't make it go away or make anything any better.
Anyway, there were more speed bumps along the way from all that, but we survived it.
Fast forward to now, and she had moved out, gotten an apartment, then later moved to her parents' house (in another city across the state), and then now she is coming back again. And this time, she will be back in his house again, partially to help him out because he has trips coming up for work that will have him traveling for large chunks of the next 2 weeks. So she is coming to stay at his house, and take care of their teen son while he is gone.
To me, that is logical co-parenting when necessary and I'm okay with it. But what I had trouble with was that Hiker didn't tell me about all these plans until just Monday- and she is arriving this coming weekend, to stay there for at least a month! Apparently whatever we'd gone through and discussed last year about all this not-telling stuff... he forgot. He went back to trying to avoid confrontation and being hesitant because he didn't want me to blow up at him for sharing bad news.
And again- it wasn't the whole event of her staying there that bugs me so much (although I would rather she find another place to stay)- but the lack of communication between us that bothers me. So we had a discussion again... and he says that he KNOWS that I'm not his ex and I don't react to things the way she does- but yet he was still finding it hard to break the news to me.
So brings me to the point of this post, in my long-winded way... about the negative programming we end up with from past relationships. I'm starting to learn just how deeply he is affected by what is apparently a partner-blowing-up scenario of his old marriage. And how he will avoid confrontation (which would explain why he might allow her to stay at their house even though he really doesn't want her to) just to try to keep the peace.
It's sad for him- that he might still have this fear lurking under there. But I do understand it, because I find myself with my own fear lurking inside me as well.
Like when I was in New Orleans with Hiker a couple of weeks ago. It was hot, and we were walking around in the heat, alot. And I wasn't drinking enough water to stay hydrated- and didn't realize it until I was broadsided with sudden heat stress. I was feeling nauseated and lightheaded and like I was going to pass out and basically collapse. I was needing water and cool air but we were no where near any buildings at the time... it was a situation that was potentially ruining the time we had- and it was so preventable.
And in the middle of it all, I was bracing myself for being chewed out for being stupid, for not knowing better about keeping hydrated. About not knowing that it was coming and DOING something about it earlier. About ruining the afternoon with this episode.
But then the chewing-out never came. It was because I WASN'T there with MY EX- who would've chewed me out for being careless. I was there with HIKER- and he was nothing but caring and helpful and concerned all through that time. But to look back on it, it was crazy to realize how I KNOW that Hiker is SOOOO not my ex, but yet I was still programmed to expect this chewing-out as if he was.
UGH on the programming!!!! Even though I do think that (I hope that) with each episode of an event where we are finding ourselves bracing for a blow-up, and then finding out that the person we are now with, just WON'T blow up that way... I hope that it will slowly take away that negative programming. With Hiker, I'm learning to let down my guard (which is scary) and not expect the worst reaction. I'm also hoping that as he grows with me, that he will learn to do the same. It's just very interesting to me that it doesn't just erase all at once, but I think it might take years to de-program someone, if they might've experienced the negativity for years at a time.
It also surprised me how it seems to take over conscious logical thought- and you almost 'forget' and revert- without even realizing it until something happens and you look back on it- and surprise yourself that the old ways of 'bracing' for trouble just seems so innate now. Again- UGH on the negative programming!
Anyway, I'm glad Hiker and I had a chance to talk, and things are stronger between us because we have that understanding reinforced. Yes, it's still going to be weird that H-ex is living there with them- but I know it won't be something that will get in the way of OUR relationship -as long as we make sure we communicate and stay the way WE are. No matter what SHE might still do. (I suspect that she STILL yells at him and berates him even though they are no longer married, because I have heard her ranting loudly over the phone at him recently about stuff- and he ended up hanging up on her in mid-rant because the conversation had gone NO where by that point.)
~shrimpy, just rambling and holding her own discussion, but all comments and additional stories are welcome

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I totally totally know what you mean about our "emotional ghosts" from past relationships and think this is an excellent dialog and example about what we all face.
It seems that you are very knowledgeable and logical about what is going on by what you write. So I have no worries about you or this situation.
And it almost seems like old hat that she is coming back - at least you met her at the wedding so it should go smoother this time. And if she helps babysit that is all good I would suppose.
It is almost funny to me that he would wait to mention it again. Guys are such a riot, aren't they? At least if you have read the Venus and Mars book to understand what makes us all tick and to appreciate those differences?
Shrimpy,
I can relate to your post!
I think that you are so well thought out and that is good for a relationship. Open, open communication and you and Hiker seem to do that well.
I can relate because Blue Eyes is programmed from his past as well. I find him reactive to what he occasionally percieves and women being over controlling. In his work place, with his friends wives and sometimes even me when we disagree (which thankfully, is rare). His programming comes from even before his Ex. His comes from Momma! His Momma was the ultimate in controlling, abusive and wicked with her words. Then, he picked a handful of controlling women as girl friends later. He vowed to never let that happen again. And so, Enter Me, and I am very neutral. I am not controlling at all, yet, I am not a pushover. But still...if I voice a concern I do find myself watching how I say it, because of his past triggers.
Do we all outgrow these programmings eventually when we get used to someone completely new and different from the past? I sure hope so. I'm certainly not program-free yet either. I hope that with time, we will re-program each other.
Your post was very thought provoking! It sounds like you have a very solid base with your Hiker.
By the way- I have had a very similiar situation with Blue Eye's Ex. She has come and go as far as being unsettled and moving frequently and not having places to stay. She ends up staying with his daughter sometimes. What made it hard for me was that she still loves him and continued to call him. That was a major speedbump that happily, we were able to overcome.
Best of luck to you..you sound like you are doing great :o)
~Raquel
Yes, I agree!
"Deep deep programming is very hard - but not impossible - to break. It makes good parenting all the more important!
~s~"
oh so true!!
I think about this with my DD. I want and try to be the new, de-programmed mom, so that she can learn by a better example. My mom is the over-anxious controlling type so I have spent my whole adult life being aware of how NOT to be. I pray my efforts run through to my daughter :o)
Interesting about the 'mother' parts here-
I didn't have a controlling or angry mom, so I know my programming to expect criticism and getting chewed-out came from my ex. My mom, if she taught me anything negative- was to be a Pleaser. Sacrifice yourself for others to be happy. That part I know I learned from her, and I'm always working on standing up for myself and what I want (without going over the edge too far into being simply selfish) and setting boundaries. I know I'm still a work-in-progress on that one. I've learned to do well in some situations, and not so much in others.
So with Hiker and I... we're both people with high Pleaser tendencies and hopefully we can continue to grow on that together- and still not go overboard into the realm of selfishness.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Acks - sorry about what you had to experience with your dad.
I am wondering what we can all do to "unprogram" ourselves? Maybe it is much of one of those awareness things - where you have to be aware of it? And to just work on making yourself happy for a time without a relationship so you can go back to it all fresh and in a new light?
Me too...but how? I was the "peace-keeper" in my marriage as well...always wanting to try and smooth things over. I am a consumate "people-pleaser". How do you 'de-program' without swinging too far in the other direction. How do you find that balance?
Rose
A guy at work was talking about a girl describing her that she was "cute", but not super cute, and she was Ok.
I told him "Oh Gawd - what would you say about me if I wasn't around. Oh, she is ugly, but not bad-ugly". He & his friend looked at me like I was a freak. "Why would you think you were ugly?" - How do you answer that?
i am not ugly by any means, but my ex made me believe his lack of sex drive was all because of me... hair too short, not in shape, doesn't keep the house clean enough - I have heard it all.
When I hear a compliment, I look around for the "candid camera".
even though when I look in the mirror , I look fine. I have the feeling people know that I am not sex-worthy though.
I don't know if I can ever shake that. I need to be de-programmed :)
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