Deep Programming

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Deep Programming
16
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 10:25am

It's interesting how deeply we can be programmed by events of our past. Whether it be parents or friends or an ex... some stuff just somehow gets INGRAINED in there, and getting it all OUT can be tough!

Hiker and I had a speed bump to work through this week that opened my eyes to just how this stuff can influence, even when you are pretty much moved-on and healed. It can still come up out of nowhere and whack you when you least expect it.

So some of you remember last year, when his ex moved back home and he allowed her to stay at his house (which used to be THEIR house) because she had no place to live. While that was NOT in any way, good news to me (or him)- it was still FACT and he couldn't tell me. It wasn't until the week of her arrival that he finally broke the news- maybe because he was up against a deadline and HAD to tell me somehow.

We had a big discussion over it (I'm not sure if I can call it a fight- because it was never that way) and my big point was that him allowing her to stay at his house when he really didn't WANT her to- that was HIS problem, not mine. But what WAS my problem, was that he felt that he couldn't tell me about it. I know it was bad news, but still- I expect honesty and openness. Bad stuff will come up. Hiding it doesn't make it go away or make anything any better.

Anyway, there were more speed bumps along the way from all that, but we survived it.

Fast forward to now, and she had moved out, gotten an apartment, then later moved to her parents' house (in another city across the state), and then now she is coming back again. And this time, she will be back in his house again, partially to help him out because he has trips coming up for work that will have him traveling for large chunks of the next 2 weeks. So she is coming to stay at his house, and take care of their teen son while he is gone.

To me, that is logical co-parenting when necessary and I'm okay with it. But what I had trouble with was that Hiker didn't tell me about all these plans until just Monday- and she is arriving this coming weekend, to stay there for at least a month! Apparently whatever we'd gone through and discussed last year about all this not-telling stuff... he forgot. He went back to trying to avoid confrontation and being hesitant because he didn't want me to blow up at him for sharing bad news.

And again- it wasn't the whole event of her staying there that bugs me so much (although I would rather she find another place to stay)- but the lack of communication between us that bothers me. So we had a discussion again... and he says that he KNOWS that I'm not his ex and I don't react to things the way she does- but yet he was still finding it hard to break the news to me.

So brings me to the point of this post, in my long-winded way... about the negative programming we end up with from past relationships. I'm starting to learn just how deeply he is affected by what is apparently a partner-blowing-up scenario of his old marriage. And how he will avoid confrontation (which would explain why he might allow her to stay at their house even though he really doesn't want her to) just to try to keep the peace.

It's sad for him- that he might still have this fear lurking under there. But I do understand it, because I find myself with my own fear lurking inside me as well.

Like when I was in New Orleans with Hiker a couple of weeks ago. It was hot, and we were walking around in the heat, alot. And I wasn't drinking enough water to stay hydrated- and didn't realize it until I was broadsided with sudden heat stress. I was feeling nauseated and lightheaded and like I was going to pass out and basically collapse. I was needing water and cool air but we were no where near any buildings at the time... it was a situation that was potentially ruining the time we had- and it was so preventable.

And in the middle of it all, I was bracing myself for being chewed out for being stupid, for not knowing better about keeping hydrated. About not knowing that it was coming and DOING something about it earlier. About ruining the afternoon with this episode.

But then the chewing-out never came. It was because I WASN'T there with MY EX- who would've chewed me out for being careless. I was there with HIKER- and he was nothing but caring and helpful and concerned all through that time. But to look back on it, it was crazy to realize how I KNOW that Hiker is SOOOO not my ex, but yet I was still programmed to expect this chewing-out as if he was.

UGH on the programming!!!! Even though I do think that (I hope that) with each episode of an event where we are finding ourselves bracing for a blow-up, and then finding out that the person we are now with, just WON'T blow up that way... I hope that it will slowly take away that negative programming. With Hiker, I'm learning to let down my guard (which is scary) and not expect the worst reaction. I'm also hoping that as he grows with me, that he will learn to do the same. It's just very interesting to me that it doesn't just erase all at once, but I think it might take years to de-program someone, if they might've experienced the negativity for years at a time.

It also surprised me how it seems to take over conscious logical thought- and you almost 'forget' and revert- without even realizing it until something happens and you look back on it- and surprise yourself that the old ways of 'bracing' for trouble just seems so innate now. Again- UGH on the negative programming!

Anyway, I'm glad Hiker and I had a chance to talk, and things are stronger between us because we have that understanding reinforced. Yes, it's still going to be weird that H-ex is living there with them- but I know it won't be something that will get in the way of OUR relationship -as long as we make sure we communicate and stay the way WE are. No matter what SHE might still do. (I suspect that she STILL yells at him and berates him even though they are no longer married, because I have heard her ranting loudly over the phone at him recently about stuff- and he ended up hanging up on her in mid-rant because the conversation had gone NO where by that point.)

~shrimpy, just rambling and holding her own discussion, but all comments and additional stories are welcome

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:22am

Shortcake, I think the right man can "deprogram you" very thoroughly, and I think it's the kind of therapy you'll really like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 7:56am
That made me laugh out loud. Thanks Soonne. I actually have a great set, so I know that is not the problem :)
I agree with the enjoying of (my kind of)deprogramming. It is all for the love of science and the good of mankind:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 9:39am

Hey Rose-

I haven't read the book myself, but I've heard some boardies talk about it (and I'm sure the ones who know- can fill us in with the details!) but it's something about finding your inner bitch. And I gather that it isn't a book to make you into some evil woman- but if you are a Pleaser, then becoming a "bitch" might only mean you will be growing a backbone that you NEED to have to become more functional and stop being the Pleaser!

As a Pleaser, I know how I used to go out of my way to not upset someone. I would bend over backwards for others. I wouldn't stand up for myself or say NO when I FELT myself screaming no... I'd just keep hearing myself say "well, yes". I was losing myself slowly- because I never stood my ground on what I felt I deserved or wanted. Always sacrificing myself for others' needs.

To find my "Inner Bitch"... (in my own way, not with the book)- I've learned that it's OKAY to say NO to things if I just don't feel like it or don't have time. It's okay to say no to being part of the PTA yet again if you can't. It's okay to say NO to a guy you're not interested in seeing again- even though he's nice and asking again. You DON'T have to say yes to every offer that comes along! You can "be a bitch" and stand your ground!!

But because you've been a Pleaser- you'll never really cross over into the true 'bitch' realm. You'll only learn to grow a backbone and stand up for yourself and set boundaries. And in a sense- become less of a Pleaser and more of a whole and balanced person.

I think finding that balance means you have to keep the Nice You as you learn to assert your boundaries. Telling someone you don't have time to volunteer for yet another Bake Sale doesn't mean you're being mean. It just means you're too busy to tackle or take on another event. It was hard for me too- to learn to just simply CARVE out some time for myself. Like time to just read a book. Or do a workout. Go for a walk. Go browsing or shopping in the stores YOU want to go to- not just the ones you have to go to! Take a break JUST for yourself sometimes- and know that it doesn't mean you're being selfish- but that you have to nurture your soul sometimes, too. Don't be a Pleaser to everyone else but leave yourself off the list!

I think there is potential for reform for all of us Pleasers! But it helps ALOT- to get rid of the selfish and demanding people in your world first (no, not the kids! lol).

When I tried to stand my ground with my ex, it only caused more fights- because "all of a sudden" I was being resistant to doing everything his way or only what he wanted. And then it was too easy to back down and become a Pleaser again. It's hard to reform a Pleaser if he/she still lives with a Controller.

I just have a hard time seeing a Pleaser go "too far" and become a mean person. I think a Pleaser will always have that "too nice" factor inherent in their personalities that will maintain that part of the balance. The problem is making sure that 'too nice' part isn't running the show and becoming a Pleaser again!

Hope that makes sense, Rose!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:07am

I've been really busy at work but have been keeping up with the board as best I can especially this post in particular. Reading this post is like looking into a mirror. I had been seeing someone for like 3 months and had to find my "inner bitch" to tell him I didn't want to see him anymore because he drank too much. I really hated doing this because other than that he was the sweetest man and the drinking issue was about the only issue I had with the relationship. I drink but it's very occasionally and usually 1-4 beers will do me (at 4 I've got a good buzz goin on). He could throw back like 10 or more. As this "getting to know one another period was going on, we had several talks about it and I was very upfront with him. And all the while he was professing his affection and admiration to me (actually said the big L word the second month) my feelings about how much he drank didn't seem to make a difference to him even though he said he would slack up on drinking when he was with me. I found myself falling into the same ole same ole. My mind screamed at me "STOP NOW!" I didn't want to have to start wondering, "will he be drunk when I get home" or "is he going to put his foot in his mouth" ". Not to mention the SMELL which would get to me most of all. For me there is no worse smell on this earth. When I was still married, this smell would wake me up and 3:00 a.m., this smell was in my face asking "are you mad" HOLY CRAP I couldn't take it.

Growing up my father drank, then I married a drinker and both my ex and my dad were not really abusive to me (if anything it would have been verbal, I guess, because drunk people say things that really hurt and make you feel extra small), but it turned me into more of a pleaser because I wouldn't talk to them about matters that might rock the boat and make them drink that much more. I just kept everything bottled up all the time.

To say the least, he was not happy about the break up but as I explained myself I told him it wouldn't be fair to him for me to ask him to change and I wasn't going to. After this conversation, I felt so relieved ending it and it made me feel so good that I was able to stand up and say this is not what I want!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 12:47am

Shrimpy - So much of this post is completely relevant to my life. I even dated men I had absolutely no interest in because I was concerned about hurting thier feelings (this was a little over a decade ago and it was two dates but still....)- rediculous I know. In fact - when my ex asked me to marry him, I had an awful feeling but I said yes anyway.
Balance is the key word....being able to stand my ground without being a complete b*tch. I think I have had momemts when the pendulum swung a little too far and I know I came off as an absolute queen b*tch.
This is a great post Shrimpy - my marriage turned abusive and I know that while I certainly had "people pleaser" portions to my personality before that happened, those skills became finely honed in order to preserve the peace in my home.
....Time to de-programme......

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 2:01pm

Oh yeah- me too! And NEVER again! I married my ex at a time when I was insecure, and also didn't want to hurt anyone. I had a feeling that marrying him was NOT the right thing to do, but I didn't want to tell him no. Not even to say "later" and postpone it. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!

But I did get my 2 cutie MonkeyBoys from that marriage, so not all is lost. Plus I did ALOT of growing up through it, and realized my worth through it- though the hard way, by losing my worth through it as well. Ugh on the hard life lessons that I really DID know how to avoid- but yet couldn't.

But Rose- another thought I had about how to tell if you're going deep into the realm of Pleaser again, is to ask yourself "Am I giving in on this matter?" in regards to the situation. And if you are answering yes- then most likely you are going beyond your own personal limits to be a Pleaser. If it's something you WANT to do, or you like to do, or you know is right to do- you won't feel so much like you're just "giving in". You won't feel the internal resistance if you're not being a Pleaser.

I know there are times for compromise and not being TOO selfish and some situations DO call for sacrifice... but you shouldn't feel like you're "giving in" on nearly everything you do.

~shrimpy, always resisting the Pleaser edge

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Pages