Desperately seeking opinions....
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| Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:23pm |
I am a mom to a 7 year old daughter. Her dad and I (we were never married) live in the same town. He is remarried, I am not. His wife does not work and watches my daughter during the summer & also after school during the school year. I have been going through a rough couple of days. My daughter's step-mom has a shore house (or her parents have a shore house), because she doesn't work she'll decide at the drop of a hat that she's going to the shore with my daughter and her kids (without my daughter's father) and I'm supposed to drop any plans that I've made for my daugther and I. I've kept my daughter home, therefore causing all kinds of childcare nightmares. My ex doesn't help me find sitters which is mostly family members and friends because he feels like he "provides" childcare and since the "childcare provider" is going to the shore my daughter needs to go to alleviate childcare woes. My feeling on this is that this is not fair to me as my daughter has potential to be gone for 3-5 days ina row on very short notice and it's been known to happen that the inital timeframe of 3-5 days turns into 5-7 days etc. Subsequently, I've left work a couple hours early a few days in a row, asked friends, and I ask her father to help out and I get nothing but attitude.
School starts next week so this is a shortlived problem, however, if makes me wonder what I should do about next summer. I feel like my life is dictated upon whether or not the step-mother wants to go to the shore. What I'm mostly conflicted about is if next summer I opt to send my daughter to a sitter or some other daytime care, I feel bad because she has 2 step-brothers and a half-brother who get to stay home all day. Is that fair to her? Is this whole situation fair to me?
I'm very confused and just feel said all day. This all started because I agreed to let her go today through tomorrow (this is my weekend with her) and I told my daughter's father that I had baseball tickets for Friday night and I needed to know that my daughter would be back in time. No problem he says. After I get my daughter all packed and picked up, I get a phone call from her saying the step-mom says they won't be back in time. Should I just have eaten the $45 I spent on the tickets so alleviate the now two days of childcare woes I have?
It hard to just put her with a babysitter because like I mentioned he was three 'brothers' that do not have to go and get to stay home.
Pllleeeassse someone give me some insight or opinions....

I think you need to stop worrying so much about her brothers and what they are/ aren't doing. So what if they stay home- they are not YOUR children. Your main concern is for your daughter. Do what you need to to get your own babysitter. Tell your ex that while you appreciate that his new wife can and does take your daughter so much, that you need her to be a little more sensitive to you and your plans with her. If she decides that she wants to head to the shore, I think it's only fair that she A) consult with you if you had any plans for XXX days (in case you had tickets to a game) and B) give you more notice than "we left this morning".
I think it was absolutely INCONSIDERATE of your ex to promise that she would be home in time, then call to say, "oops, no can do!" If he said she'll be back, HE should be ensuring she is back!!!
So just sit down calmly and discuss things with BOTH of them. Ask them to look at things from YOUR point of view- you were looking forward to that game and had spent a bit of money on them. How would THEY have felt in the same position? Would THEY not be disappointed?
Good luck, I hope your talk works.
Alison
First of all welcome.
Boy, do I not envy your position.
I have to say that I agree with Tara on all aspects.
Would it really bum your daughter out to go to daycare and miss being at her dad's with her brothers? Would it really bum her out to miss their trips to the shore?
I have a 6 year old son with my ex and a 2 year old son with my dh (dear husband). My 6 year old son gets SOOOOOO bummed out when we do things without him. Likewise, he gets soooooo bummed out when his dad does things with his girlfriend and her two sons without him. In his perfect world, he would bounce from house to house according to who is doing what! LOL Of course it can't be that way - but we often consult each other when making plans to see if we can't accomodate each other.
Since it seems your ex is unwilling to talk to you or make any changes, could you consult the stepmom? Could you say "I really appreciate that you are able to take care of my daughter all summer, and you give her the opportunity to go to the shorehouse with you and your siblings, but I don't appreciate it when you are there longer than originally planned, or when your taking her there interfers with my scheduled time with her, especially when I have special plans. Can we work together to accomodate each other - in the interest of HER happiness?" Maybe you can't. Maybe step-mom is a meanie. I don't know.
HUGS. I hope you come up with a solution!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Right now you are lucky that the step mom includes her and hopefully treats her well and this doesn't cost you. She has every right, in my opinion, to want to be on her own schedule. It is a bummer that you were out of the money for the tickets - but it is a blessing that she takes care of her.
So...bottom line - if you want more control you have to pay. I think that if you figure out how much money she is saving you then you will look at this situation differently.
Maybe you need to not make such plans ahead of time that you have to depend on them to bring her back on a certain time. For example, don't buy tickets ahead of time unless you are sure you will have her with you. If the game/tickets are that important then you have to keep her home and pay for babysitting that week. Otherwise go with the flow.
I would suggest that instead of worrying about next summer you really concentrate on being able to make more money to get yourself out of this situation and then next year will take care of itself.
Also, if you try to get along with the step mom and appreciate her then she will always take good care of your daughter. She really is helping - at least from what I read here.
Cheers - I hope I have helped you without making you mad.
Kacie is supposed to be home by 5:30 Monday, Tuesday, Thursday & Friday...with Wednesay & every other weekend sleepovers at her dads. I certainly do not want to interfere with her step-mom's freedom....so maybe this is the time to make a change that will be better for all of us..
For example, she could BE there one week, the next with you sun-sat sort of deal? Or weekly she could stay there sun-wed and be with you wed night through sat? That way you would only have to pay for 2-3 days babysitting or what have you.
Maybe it's just time to sit down and look at the arrangements you do have and see what could work better?
Anyway, I hope it all gets resolved so that everyone is happy.
Alison
It sounds as though it is not working for you and you will have to make some changes so you get more quality time with your dd. I would just be sure you present your case in a solution-oriented, positive manner because you are lucky that your daughter is happy and gets nice trips with siblings with no babysitting money!!