Did catch a glimpse of a red flag

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Registered: 05-29-2003
Did catch a glimpse of a red flag
5
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 11:10am

You probably remember that I'm not sure that I'll ever consider getting married again. However, I did catch a glimpse of a potentially HUGE red flag to remember in case I ever do start to think that my relationship with HN could go in that direction.

I knew that HN had a rough childhood in that his parents had an openly hostile divorce and afterwards his mother struggled to provide for her sons - but that's a very common story of divorces 40 years ago. I knew that HN does a lot for his mother now. I knew that HN has an older brother who rarely visits HN or their mother - but he also lives on the opposite side of the US.

What I just learned this weekend is that HN has another older half-brother (same mother) who lives near-by but hasn't had any communication with their mother for more than a decade. This oldest son of hers is the only one of her sons to have children - that means she doesn't have a relationship with her grandchildren either. I didn't press for an answer as to "why" this is the case yet - but it will stay in the back of my mind.

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Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 4:24pm

Well, that little tidbit is not "ideal" - but I don't think it is a dealbreaker just yet. I think you could gather more stories and see how they affect his life now?

That is a shame that she misses out on the grandchildren!

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Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 9:28pm
I don't consider it a dealbreaker yet either, but from some other things HN's best friend has alluded to in earlier conversations I can't say that I'm looking forward to meeting HN's mother - but then if our relationship just stays the way it is, enjoying the here and now and doesn't involve a long-term committment - neither she nor his brothers would be an issue.
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Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:38pm

My mom doesn't have contact with some of her grandchildren, and I don't have contact with those nieces and nephews. Family situations can be very complex.

In our family's case, my eldest brother left the family when he was an adult. Disappeared for 4 years when he turned 19. When he revealed himself to the family again, he was in and out of jail having kids by women who he didn't stay with. It is a terrible an heartbreaking story. My parents just can't be involved, it would tear them apart to invite my brother's troubles into their lives after he chose to leave. My parents have it kind of rough financially and health-wise.

Mind you, my parents have helped with some major medical expenses occasionaly for the kids, who are uninsured, but they did so anonymously and do not want to be involved in the childrens' lives.

I would hate for anyone to judge my mom for that, though I can see that they might.

I am just suggesting that if it bothers you, do collect more information and see if that resolves your concerns. After all, you are interested in the man, not his half brother's children.

Good luck!




Edited 1/16/2007 10:39 pm ET by ubersilly
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Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 11:38am

I haven't had time to post lately, but I feel like I need to give you my perspective on what you consider a red flag. Don't rush into judging someone until you know the whole story. I haven't spoken to my Mom since 1988. Why? Because she is bipolar and does not take medication. My childhood was not easy since she was abusive. She has never met my kids and never will unless she gets treatment.

Like it was stated in an earlier post, family situations can be very complicated. Besides, you are dating him, not his Mom!
Stephanie

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Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 12:36pm

I totally agree that family situations can be complicated - and I by no means have all the pieces to the puzzle.

I also have to make sure not to let "my baggage" cause me to rush judgement of a situation. My baggage is that in my marriage I WAS married to my MIL in that she contributed to some of the biggest problems in my marriage. She was VERY controlling and manipulative and my ex seemed to like it that way. She was (and probably always will be) the most important woman in my ex's life.

I thank you all for your posts - I agree that:
1. I should be careful to not rush judgement.
2. Family issues would not necessarily translate issues in our relationship.

I think the main point I was trying to make is that if there are complicated family issues I would need to do a lot of thinking and talking with a SO about them prior to making a long-term commitment.

Before I got married we merely scratched the surface when we talked about my ex's relationship with his mother. I knew my ex was a "momma's boy" but I was young and naive enough to think that we loved each other enough to deal with that and whatever else came our way. I now know all to well that just because you love someone doesn't mean you should necessarily marry them. After a decade of being repeatly hurt by my ex as he rushed to his mother's defense as she constantly belittled me - I certainly didn't love him anymore.




Edited 1/17/2007 12:41 pm ET by mom2maggie