Did I make a mistake?
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| Mon, 07-30-2007 - 12:05am |
So new guy and I went out this weekend. We've been seeing each other for a couple of months now but have gone out five or six times. We talk on the phone every couple of days. It is great and we have so much fun together. It was getting late and I asked if he wanted to spend the night and he did. Nothing more intimate that a little fooling around. But once he fell asleep (I'm a terrible sleeper), I never felt so alone - it was strange. But in the morning we had a great time and went to breakfast before he left. I really enjoy his company.
I think it was a less to do with him and me (which I am enjoying) than with my former husband. We had a family event this weekend that both he and I had to attend. He spent much of the day seeking me out. It was so strange. And I think it weirded me out and was hard to shake when I saw the new guy later that evening. I can't believe after all this time, I left him affect me like that.

I don't think I have any advice to give but hope you can figure out what the problem with the ex is. Sorry I don't remember but how long have you been separated/divorced. Maybe you aren't ready to be in a relationship yet.
Priscilla
It sounds like you are still settling in with the whole idea of dating. It will get better in time.
As for your exh, I wonder if you still have feelings for him or are not over all that happened in your relationship? I think an exh will evoke feelings of some sort because it is a pretty strong and stressful event to watch a marriage go down the tubes and then go through a divorce. Maybe you need to keep your distance more?
Ok, so my QUESTION is, WHY WAS YOUR X HUSBAND SEEKING YOU OUT?
Was it an abusive relationship? I'm sorry Hon, forgive me, but I just can't really remember the details. I can give you MUCH better insight if you tell me a little bit more detail on what your marriage was like and how it ended. If it was abusive that would be a huge reason for the feelings you had.
Edited 7/30/2007 4:24 pm ET by myprecioustwo
Cat,
I really value your opinion and have no trouble repeating myself. Our marriage was not at all abusive. I thought it was good. In fact just days before he left, he told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he was grateful every day for me.
Then he comes home and says "I've been unhappy for sometime and just pretending things were good. I've met someone who works for me and I want to be with her. I just don't want to be married anymore and I'm not that sure I really want to be a dad." I suggested marriage or individual counselling, he wanted nothing to do with it. He had made up his mind and was finished. Two days later, he was gone. We didn't see him for over a month.
Okay, not wanting to be married is one thing, not wanting to be a dad - I don't think you really get to do that one. A few months later he decided he really does want to be a Dad, so now he has visitation (although he didn't want very much - 2 overnights a month).
It took me a while to accept his decision and I still go to counselling. I am building a life that I love and recently started dating (which he doesn't know). I think I'm just having jitters getting started in a new relationship. It has been more than 13 years since I had someone new sleeping in my bed - maybe it was just cold feet.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
Well, this all makes more sense. You were happily married until your other half decided not to be. That is hard for you. Because it basically means your whole life gets turned upside down and you didn't have a choice in the matter.
If you have taken the time to accept his decision AND are going to counseling PLUS building a life for yourself that you love then I think you are certainly ready to date. Sounds like everything is going good and you are doing a great job at putting your life back on track.
I think it is normal to feel the way you do when you are out of a marriage and haven't dated in a long time. And given your story I think seeing your exh and your reaction and his are normal. You two have a lot of memories and those are not easy to throw away. Hopefully this happens less and less as time moves forward.
And dating on its own is a whole different animal. It basically means you are back out on the market trying to find someone acceptable who views you the same and with whom you have a mutual attraction. At best it is a tall order - and at worst it is totally frustrating and a lonely process when you have to wait indefinitely for the right one.
But you are lucky to have a good one on the line. Just enjoy it and take each day one at a time. As long as you are happy and it works for you that is good. I hope you stick around and participate in our posts!!
Well, you have been seeing each other for a few months. So it is not like you went to bed on the first date. And another point in your favor is that you didn't have a home run so to speak.
The only question I would have if I was you - is he interested in just seeing you and not anyone else? Has he brought that subject up? To me that is important - that I have exclusivity and a relationship and do not feel like a booty call.
I think you got scared because you don't yet have the stability of knowing the relationship is going to work?
When I found out that my ex husband had a new girlfriend and a baby on the way, I was still single, and hated it.
I KNEW without a doubt that our marriage was doomed from the beginning, and I also knew that we certainly weren't the same people we used to be, but I was jealous that he'd seemingly successfully moved on, and I hadn't.
It's completely normal, and I think only slightly irrational, especially because at least form my point of view, he was the one who didn't want to be married and have children to be responsible for- after the fact.
I know that the grass always seems greener, and now I am happy enough if my own right to not bring so much baggage into a relationship. I guess you could say I've purged some of my emotional baggage, and instead of the monster wheeled luggage with six zippers and a compartment for everything, I've comparmentalized everything into a simple carry-on. Much easier on the back when you have to lug it around!
I sort of went of on a tangent, but I would say not to worry about the new guy or your ex. Enjoy YOURSELF first, and make some time for YOU, just you, so you can enjoy the time you're spending with someone else.
Keep in mind that the reasons you and your ex didn't work are still there, you just aren't dealing with them every second anymore, which may make them seem less important or less noticeable.
Good luck, and keep having fun!
Moody, not looking back anymore
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