Did I over-react?
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| Wed, 10-24-2007 - 12:41pm |
Hi Everyone.
I'm batteling a cold so please excuse my foggy brain. I'll try to type coherently :o)
I am wondering, does anyone else kind of flip out when they can't reach their SO at night, or even in the day for that matter? I guess that I go along so happy and content but maybe an insecurity monster sits below the surface. Blue Eyes often goes to friends after his sporting activities like last night. He is usually reachable by cell phone and if not, he's home by 10pm for the night. Last night I kept getting his cell phone's VM and he wasn't home even by almost 11pm. I got worried. More so that I thought something had happened to him rather than his being up to no good.
I just hate it when that happens, I kind of start getting a little panicky. It reminds me of being young (but old enough to stay home alone like 12 or 13 ) and my parents would go out and come home really late...do you remmeber that feeling...of worry? So I couldn't reach him and he know that we talk every night around 10pm. I always call after DD is in bed.
He finally calls me at 11 pm from his home. He had gone to a friends house after disc golf. He told me that he did

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Yes, I think you were over reacting, but I don't think it's because you don't trust him.
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Hi Pacific,
I am very happy you managed to clear the air. You have a great guy, and he has a great girl, of course.
I relate to a lot of what you say. I also have a charming, handsome, friendly other half, and I sometimes worry about him being irresistable to other women!
Even now, after more than two years, and living together for just over one, I still have to keep myself and my feelings in check. It's something I work on every day - like you said, it is unfair to project what has happened to you in the past onto this new relationship. Apart from my exH, every single man I have ever had a relationship with has cheated on me, and left me for another woman, so when someone comes along who is so wonderful, it is very hard to trust fully, right or wrong. Although I do trust my Monkey deep down, I admit that there is still a tiny part of me that worries about him getting up to no good, but I am trying so hard, and I feel so much better than I did even a year ago. But this is my problem, and not his, and I make sure that I never accuse him, or question him, and I manage, in general, not to show these worries as I am sure that would be very off-putting.
It's great that you listened to him, and talked the issue through, and now you are back on a great footing. Do you have any plans to get together this weekend? Sorry if you have already mentioned this - I can't remember ;o)
Clem xx
Hi Missclemmy,
wow - you have such a great lesson and personal story for us here. How do you "work on it" every day - are there tips to help us? Or are you just aware and bite your tongue? I really agree with what you write.
Thank you for your interest in my story, Judy. I have just finished writing it all out, and it is long. Five stars to anyone who makes it to the end ;o)
You can probably imagine with my relationship history that it is hard for me to really, truly trust. But I think that this is the case for many people, women and men, and I hope I don't come over as a psycho!
At the beginning of my relationship with Monkey, I was pretty casual about things. Although we were immediately exclusive, I wasn't really looking to the future or taking things too seriously, more enjoying his company and both fitting each other in when we had time. Then, my feelings started to grow, and I found myself starting to worry about whether he felt the same way and whether he would eventually abandon me. The typical stuff - I worried about women who were younger, funnier, prettier, and, to some extent, women who didn't have kids, although he had made it perfectly clear to me that my kiddos were part of me, and thus there were no problems for him.
These slight niggling feelings gradually started to turn into something bigger, and I was slowly becoming a green-eyed monster. Every time Monkey went out, be it to the cinema with a friend, out for a drink with a friend, or even (oh boy, this is bad) on a work trip, I would worry myself sick, convinced that he had found someone else, someone better than me, and fearing that he would abandon me.
This led me to become moody and depressed, and quite nasty with him, and I caused some horrific arguments, totally owing to my own insecurity, and my unfounded conviction that he, too would leave me.
But there comes a time when enough is enough, and I just got sick of myself, and I hated the type of person that I had turned into - jealous, needy, suspicious, and just downright pathetic. I knew I had to do something as my behaviour was taking its toll on my relationship. I think I had hit rock bottom.
So, what did I do? For a start, I acknowledged to myself that I was over-reacting, and I drummed it into my head that it was totally unfair of me to make Monkey pay for what had happened to me in the past. I also decided to really let him in, to talk to him about my fears, explain to him properly, and at length, why I felt like I did, and to ask for his help in overcoming these demons. This was a huge step for me, and he knew it, and was so compassionate and understanding. This, in turn, made me even more determined to fight for what we had.
Then I told myself that this was a battle that could not be won in a day, or a week, and I decided that I had to make a conscious effort every single day to rationalise all the bad thoughts I was thinking, and to remind myself that Monkey had proved himself worthy of my trust, and he was not just going to come home tonight and tell me he had found someone else.
For example (and this shows how bad I had got), if he was on a course and I found myself worrying that he would meet another woman on the course, I would go through everything in my head, and remind myself of everything that he did for me and for the kids, and comfort myself with those thoughts. Then, in the evening, we would chat about the day and I would tell him honestly of my fears (this was part of the deal - for me to heal I had to communicate everything I was feeling) and he would reassure me. The final time was, when after one course, I asked him if there were any attractive women there, and he replied that honestly he hadn't noticed, but that he would check the next week and let me know. That really brought it home to me. Monkey was not trying to chat up women, he was there working, and my fears were completely unsubstantiated. I never asked him again, and I no longer have these terrible fears.
Every day, I make a huge effort not to let anything rot away inside me. If there is anything that bothers me, I say it, however stupid it may sound. And I am finding that I have less and less things to say as time goes by.
My lesson was to communicate, and to make a conscious effort to rationalise things. Time has also helped. As the months pass, Monkey has proved himself to be 100% trustworthy, and this helps me to put things into perspective.
There is still some work to do, but I am getting there slowly. It's a real self-esteem issue, coupled with demons from the past, but I am confident that one day I will be able to say that I have totally let it all go.
It felt great to write it all out actually.
Clem xx
Clem,
Thanks for sharing your story of personal growth.
From the dude perspective, you didn't over-react, but probably came off more needy then anything else.
Rules for women to apply when SO man is out with regular crowd or normally scheduled event:
1.
Thank you so much for sharing Clem!!
It really helped me to read your post.
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