Didn't see this coming....
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| Mon, 04-16-2007 - 1:53pm |
I've lurked here forever, posted a few times and now I just need some support.
I've been divorced for almost a year and away from my XH for 2 years. It was a somewhat abusive relationship, more verbal then physical but I lived life in constant fear of his moods. His favorite thing to do was to trap me, in a room or hold me down, to get me to pay attention, listen, whatever. After all this time, I thought I had put it behind me. I've been in counseling during and after the marriage for this and many other issues with him.
I have met the most wonderful guy. We've been dating for a little over a month. I've been out with other men, but this is the first one that has stuck. We are very compatible and he is very good to me. I trust him and like him a great deal. Here's the deal...yesterday we were horsing around and he was tickling me. I am very ticklish and often try to get away when he starts. It's always been very playful, no problems. However, yesterday he held me down while he was tickling me. Keep in mind, I have not told him about my situation with XH as I felt it was behind me and I didn't want to scare him off. I clammed up and then, horrors, started to cry. He let me go and I went into the bathroom. He gave me a moment and then knocked on the door and asked me if I was ok and was very understanding. I didn't even have to tell him anything, he just knew by my reaction. I stayed for a couple of hours after that and he kept holding me close and telling me he would never hurt me and that I could trust him. I already know this and was horrifed by my reaction. He told me he wished I had told him sooner so that he would have known. My issue now is that I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I'm thinking this will change his view of me, like I was weak to stay with someone who treated me so badly. He said that everything is ok and that he'd like to kick my XH's you-know-what but I'm still worked up today about it. Not many people know about that part of my marriage. I know that if he takes off because of this, I don't want to be with him anyway. I just am angry that my XH is still there, in my mind, you know?
Not sure what I'm looking for here. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

Hi,
I wouldn't worry too much, I'm sure your new boyfriend is very understanding. Most men who are decent wouldn't fault your reaction, and by his reaction he sounds quite decent. Men like to ruff-house and play like that (I think it's just genetically ingrained from the caveman days - lol). You did well to explain your reasons and I don't think it will scare him off, if you do get closer and have a long term relationship I'm sure you'll both get used to each other and the fear will slowly die down or (hopefully) go away - not that I'm a psychologist or anything so I don't know for sure. This situation might actually bring you two closer together, most men like to be protectors of their SO's too, and he did sound protective afer the incident. Give him a chance and don't doubt him, try not to worry.
A great philosopher once said that there's never a reason for worry. Why? Because if it's a problem you can do something about, then don't worry just fix the problem, if there's nothing that you can do about it, still no need to worry because there's nothing you can do to change the outcome of the problem. Don't worry, you can't change your past, you can't do anything about the future, try and enjoy your new (wonderful sounding) man and live in the present.
Oh boy - that is an awful experience for you - to have dealt with such a bad marriage and then have a flashback. I know we all have those from time to time - I am trying to remember the term they use for it. Ghost or something like that.
Anyway, did you ever go to counseling for your abusive exh? You might consider it - or to at least speak about the experience more here on the boards. Of course we are always open to hearing - but the abused spouse board might be better because they understand more. I think that would help you come to terms with the way you feel so you can be more free to enjoy something good and not have fear.
You might find that these feelings and type of reaction fade in time. I mean, I think something like this is perfectly natural for so soon and given all you have been through. But one good thing is that your bf is understanding and there for you!! Good that you vented!! And good that you found out he will be so understanding!
I am so happy for you that you have met someone so nice. Keep us posted!!
Oh Hugs about all that!!! It's pretty clear that what your ex did (even if it was long ago)- was horribly traumatizing to you. I hope you know that it doesn't mean you're 'hopeless' or anything- but if you feel it truly is something that gets in your way, or affects how you can trust someone else... then I think talking to a counselor would probably help. Those old traumatizing things can really sneak up on you even years later, even once you thought you were "over it" a long time ago.
But I don't think it's something that will scare the current date away. He sounds very caring and understanding (as understanding as he can be)- and compassionate. I hope he will see that it is also not a bash on HIM that you reacted that way to what he did... but that you were still reacting to something your ex used to do. But it does sound like he knows that this is one of those "baggage" things that we can have from old relationships, and didn't take it personally.
Don't be ashamed about it still affecting you. Your ex was a royal jerk and it was something that hurt you deeply (obviously)- and it's not YOUR fault. You're not weak! You lived through it, and you got away from it. You're definitely not weak.
Big-time hugs,
~shrimpy, who lived with a jerk-of-an ex, too
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I feel like I just got wrapped in a big hug from you all.
I'm still in counseling for many issues but thought I had made major headway with this but obviously not. I actually have an appointment today but needed to let it out with some "girlfriends". I feel like I know you all from all your posts and knew I'd find compassion here.
I have actually spoken to my bf today and it never even came up. He asked if I slept ok (which I didn't) and that was it. I guess he has moved on about it and so should I. It was just so weird to have the creep up on me like that.
Thanks again for being here for me.
We are always here for you and for each other. I love what Shrimps says - that you were strong to be able to leave someone like that! Don't ever forget that!!
Keep us posted - we always love updates!
Oh Sweetie - Its called, as I am sure you know, PTSD.
my set off used to be a baby crying in an airplane. Because I never liked going to my inlaws - they were mean, we didn't have the money and DS had colic and my exh liked them more than me.
One day after the divorce I was flying somewhere on business. There was a mom with a colicky baby that would not quiet down. I watched her get so frustrated that she cried. And I had to get up out of my seat and go to the bathroom and I was hysterical from the memory - could not stop crying.
It just made me so sad to remember all the derogatory things my exh used to say and do and to remember how hard I struggled financially and with DS and his colic.
I know what you mean about the verbal issues and living in "fear". I have experienced that many times with my new bf, where I'm worried he'll get "mad" at me if I make a mistake. I find myself constantly saying "I'm sorry" when I haven't even really done anything to be sorry for. But the physical issue had never come up so it shocked me. But as someone else said, it's probably good it came out now so that we can deal with it. I was ashamed with my BF because I put up with it for so long and didn't leave sooner. I didn't want him to think badly of me since I felt badly about myself to stay in that relationship, know what I mean?
Anyway, I've enjoyed all of your posts and feel like I know you all and it's good to have a place to share with each other.