Displays of affection in front of kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Displays of affection in front of kids
4
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 2:14pm
My bf and I have been dating for the past 3 mths. He has 2 children, ages 7 and 2. I have 1 child, age 4. His children met me after a few weeks of him and I dating...he met my child at the same time. We have not showed any displays of affection in front of the children. So, my question is this...is there some rule? His oldest child gets attached to ppl. very quickly and never forgets anyone. Is this child going to be scarred if we stop seeing each other? Is showing affection going to scar our children? I know it seems silly but I've only been separated for 6 mths. and I've never had this experience. If anyone could share their experience I'd appreciate it. Thank-u.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 3:45pm
i see nothing wrong with some affection in front of kids like hugging holding hands even a closed mouth kiss i have no problem doing these things in front of my son who is four or his kids 13 and 14. he trys to do more sometimes like frenching in front of them and i have to remind him that i'm not comfortable doing that in front of the kids. but thats just me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 9:19pm

I think you need to play it cool until you are sure the relationship is going in the right direction - meaning you are getting along well and both seem to want the same things. It is not fair to risk a child's heart on a whim. It is best to keep it casual - holding hands at most - until you are really more serious.

I think maybe now that 3 months is passed you should try to bring it up in conversation. He will like that you cared about his oldest child!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 11:14pm
i think that open mouth kissing is always a bad idea in front of anyone. i mean it just makes others around you uncomfortable. it's more of a private thing in my opinion. but children are much more resilient than we give them credit for. if you and your bf are comfortable around each other and you think the relationship has potential for long term, then just do what feels right around all the children. they want to see you happy and you shouldn't hold back because i feel like in reality no one ever knows if things will work out. people are married for years all the time and children have to be separated from a parent. although i do not agree with women who date all kinds of diff. men, if you date one and are serious with each other, after a few months, i think you can just be yourselves but make sure you know you have the potential first for something real in your children's lives. if it doesn't work out don't be too hard on yourself though which i have done in the past because not every relationship will work out and children have to learn this also in life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 4:48pm

If you've only been separated 6 months and dating only 3 months, that is enough to say proceed with extreme caution! Children do get attached and they will experience some pain if the relationship doesn't work out, especially your child who has only just seen you separate from your STBX. The focus right now should be creating stability for your child, and that takes time.

My mom dated when I was young, but her relationships were never headed for marriage and while we met a couple of her bf's, we weren't part of them dating. There was an occasional dinner or day trip, but no PDAs and they never hung around us much or took on any kind of parenting role. Consequently, when they broke up it wasn't a big deal for us. My ex's mom had several bf's around a lot and they became male role models for my ex. He was devastated when one of them left his mom, because it meant they were walking out on him too. I think those issues of the male role models abandoning him are a big part of his problems today related to relationships and responsibility. My dd met my x-bf (after we had dated about 11 months, I was also separated when I started dating him but was divorced by the time they met), but we didn't really know if it would work out so we kept his visits short (even though he did sleep over, he would spend time with her but it wasn't the biggest part of her weekend) and when it was starting to not look good and he stopped coming around when she was here, she asked a few questions but was not overly upset. She was able to say she missed him and then would continue on with whatever she was doing (it was a few months of her seeing him once every other weekend). I think it was okay for her because she never got too attached to him thank goodness. The most we did in front of her was hug, but that was mostly because I didn't want to be explaining it all to her. The thing that I think was best for her was that she didn't spend a ton of time with him.

I personally would keep the dating out of the eyes of the children for now, until your divorce is final and you know the relationship is serious and long-term.




Edited 7/4/2005 9:26 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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