Divorce Information
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Divorce Information
| Wed, 09-28-2005 - 2:59pm |
Hello,
I have recently meet a man who really seem nice. He is in the process of a divorce which will be final in a few weeks. I am afraid of moving forward because I think he needs time to heal. He says he does not. He only has said that he is not on the rebound. We have been seeing each other for almost a month. Am I foolish to stay with this? All he really says is that only time will tell if he is real or not. So far I have not caught him in any lies? I need some peoples opinion on how some is too soon to date after a divorce? Should I continue in this relationship or stop?

Hi there and welcome,
You are very wise to come here and ask this question.
If I was you I would definitely STOP. He does need time to heal from his divorce. I have found that anyone who is divorced needs time to heal - they have to find their indivuality, get their finances and living condition in order, organize and get used to visitation and mourn the loss of a marriage.
In my opinion he is in the high you have right before and after a divorce where you are so happy to be free of the pain of a relationship not working.
I think you are taking a BIG risk with your heart.
I would tell him that you are not comfortable with this situation and you want to take a break until after he is settled with his divorce.
Here is an excellent post that shows why someone should wait a year after their divorce for a serious relationship.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsolomother/?msg=8410.12
I hope this helps and that the others will chime in!
I have a "they must be divorced at least a year or so rule". The reason why is that I got hurt really bad once, the guy lied to me about his single time, and by the time I found out it was too late, I was head over heels in love. He was still not over his ex, although he put up an excellent front about it. We were together almost a year when one day he gets tipsy, and starts crying on my shoulder and admits that he still loves his ex. I wanted to slap him, needless to say it was over after that. Men are notorious for jumping right into dating, they don't give themselves enough time to heal. I had one guy contact me who was divorced just 4 months, I told him it was way too soon for him to be dating again, he got pissed off at me. I don't care, you can't rush healing, it takes time. Men will always deny that there not hurting, that you're not the rebound one ;etc. I can't tell you what to do, you must follow your gut instinct though and if something's not feeling right which I suspect it's not, take it seriously. Sometimes we women get early warnings and ignore them, rationalize them;etc. I would advise you to proceed with much caution and not get serious with this guy, keep it casual and see how it goes. I know he says time will tell, but sometimes it's hurt time and you don't need that. I wish you all the best, remember you were born with the best intuition (a woman's) use it wisely.
I agree with the others....the guy needs some time. I was just recently "dumped" by a guy who hadn't been divorced very long b/c he said he "still had feelings for his ex." He needs to go through the process of grieving the loss of his marriage and truthfully, you don't need to be mixed up in it. My exbf said the same things too, that he wasn't on the rebound, that he was over her, etc...blah blah blah...he wasn't and deep down I knew that...but what can I say...lol!
Chalk it up for bad timing, you know?! If he's worth it, he'll come back around after he takes the time to evaluate his situation and where he is right now. Lots of luck!
Kait
I dated shortly after separating from my ex-h.
A person who is rebounding doesn't know they are rebounding. They always think they are ready to date.
I would not date a man who was merely separated from his wife. From my own experience with divorce, I wasn't ready to date again until a year after my divorce was final. Even though, I felt like dating before the 1 year mark. I did have one transitional (i.e. rebound) relationship.
Since you're having doubts about continuing (ie. you came here for advice), then listen to your gut and end it with this man. I'm sure that he is wonderful, but he does need time to heal. Let him know that you would be open to possibly dating again in the future, but right now you want to protect your heart while giving him time to sort out his own.
Some people can move on right away, some cannot, so it's hard to put a timeline on something. But you must be getting some kind of signal, or you wouldn't be questioning it, right?
Hope you stick around!
Alison
I would like to thank everyone for there advice. I know I need to end it but I have not. He is really a great guy. I have expresed my concerns to him and he had a responce for all of them. It is really to soon for the talk but he refers to me as his girlfriend. And is asking about an Thanksgiving invitations to dinner. So, I am just trying not to get my heart involved and just enjoy his company.