Divorce Statistics

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Divorce Statistics
43
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:24pm

So last night I was watching Dateline (or Primetime Live or something similar) and they were talking about divorce statistics.

50% of first time marriages fail.

75% of second marriages fail.

Not a new statistic to me - something I've definitely known about - but made me ponder more last night.

The #1 cited reason 2nd marriages fail is due to "step-kids/co-parenting/ex issues".

So for those of us already married - do you sometimes think "what was I thinking? The cards are stacked against me!"

For those of you single and dating - is remarriage your goal and desire? Does the 75% failure rate scare you?

TT said something last night that I kind of found interesting. He said people that have been divorced and are in a miserable second marriage have an inner-turmoil. One side of them says "I remember how miserable my first divorce was and I never wanna go through that again." and the other says "I survived it once, I can make it through again." and makes leaving and not trying as hard *that* much easier. Do you agree or disagree?

Any thoughts?

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Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:43pm

Hmm, makes me think I should have paid more attention to the first stat the first time around LOL. Of course, I've got an added wrinkle since it's dh's 3rd marriage and when people were telling him he should marry me because 3rd times a charm, he'd say or 3 strikes and you're out.

But, I do think that from one perspective second marriages have more stress on them from the step-parenting, co-parenting, and the ex issues. But from another perspective, depending on the first marriage, sometimes things have been learned that make it easier to deal with those issues. For example, if in your first marriage, you put all your energy into the children and none into nourishing the relationship, you might be a bit wiser about balancing those issues in your second marriage.

I know for us, not specifically the stats but our experience must have scared us or we wouldn't have been so adamantly against marriage. But then we decided otherwise because we were able to step back and really look at how the way we relate to each other and the way we behave within a relationship has grown--bottom line is we still make mistakes but we're not as stupid as we were in earlier relationships. Both of us looked at earlier failures and before we met, did some growing as individuals to figure out some of the things that we may have done to contribute to failure. I truly believe that both of us were simply with the wrong people before, but even that was partially a matter of our way of being in a relationship;there's usually a reason you chose the wrong person and it's not always that you just didn't know they were like that. KWIM? That's not always the case of course but I know for me and for MG that there's some of that. I know in his second marriage he looked for someone totally different than his first marriage but that in itself was partially just a reactive decision rather than really identifying the things about a woman's overall character, demeanor, maturity, etc, that was compatible with his overall life view. And I definitely hadn't changed my pattern at all from previous boyfriends with my first husband.

I definitely see TT's point but at the same time it just depends I suppose. When we finally came around to deciding to get married, we'd already committed firmly to an idea that divorce simply wasn't an option. Not that I don't get insecure from time to time but I know in my heart that it's not like MG to leave (both of his earlier marriages had gotten pretty bad before the end and for sure in the first one after the first infidelity at 6 months, IMO, he had good reason to leave but didn't.)

Perhaps I'm naive and for sure since were on 2nd and 3rd respectively, the odds are definitely against us. But if there's that kind of failure rate, on the other side there's a 25% success rate, right. And as MG would say "Hmph, I knew the job was dangerous when I took it." LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:53pm

I actually DO agree. I know I have an inner turmoil that I'm fighting. And the 75% thing scares me to death. As most o fyou know, I was cheated on by Scott, so naturally, I'm insecure and worried that Shane would do that too. I know in my heart he is different, but I still have nightmares that he's meeting up with other women. Just a fear I have. But I will get past it.

I have no worries about his relationship with Dylan or how he will be with Emily. And I know because he adores D so much and will obviously be wrapped tightly around Em's finger, that he would never betray me not only because he loves me, but because he has so much to lose in this marriage than he did with his first wife. And he never cheated on her either.

I just try to stay focused on the fact that we love each other a lot and want the marriage to work and are willing to work at it daily to make sure we support each other and work together to take care of our kids. And as for ex issues, well, I have none with his...never met her, and with mine, well, let's just say Shane intimidates the heck out of Scott so that is not a big deal breaker. I choose to believe we'll be fine.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 1:06pm

I am surprised at the 75% stat - are you sure? I have always read that it is 60%.

I believe in second chances - but I also think you should be aware of the problems of the ex/step-parenting thing as well and try to get all the dust settled and learn about what a healthy relationship looks like.

I have seen many happy second marriages and that is what I am focusing on.

Attitude is everything. I just watched the movie Aviator - about the life of Howard Hughes. He never stumbled on his belief that he could create an airplane. I guess we have to be the same - that we have to believe we can find love and have a healthy wonderful relationship, regardless of the stats.

I wish there was a way for them to somehow further analyze those studies to weed out drug/mental and alcohol problems - for that must further muck up the results. And if you don't have those then what is your chance?

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 1:13pm

Well, I'll address what TT said first.


I have never been divorced. But, that theory of "I've been through it before and survived and I refuse to be treated so badly/be so unhappy,

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 1:20pm

Yes, I'm sure of the statistic. Second marriages have had a reported 75% divorce rate for the last 5 years as reported by the U.S. Bureau of Marriage and Death (nice group, huh? Marriage and death!)

They don't get into the reasons for the divorce - other groups do - but the U.S. Bureau doesn't. It's just statistics taken from marriage/divorce records throughout the country.

And yes - good point on the drug/alcohol/mental problems. Also add abuse in there. It's surprising to me the number of women that leave an abusive marriage and remarry into another one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 1:50pm

<< TT said something last night that I kind of found interesting. He said people that have been divorced and are in a miserable second marriage have an inner-turmoil. One side of them says "I remember how miserable my first divorce was and I never wanna go through that again." and the other says "I survived it once, I can make it through again." and makes leaving and not trying as hard *that* much easier. Do you agree or disagree? >>>

I totally agree but does that doesn't mean that is the last option for me. We both feel very strongly about divorce and neither one of us wanted to get divorced, we wanted to work on our marriage but our spouses at the time chose to end it without trying. J and I have a very strong bond and I can say that we will never just give up, we will work on our marriage until we both feel like we have exhausted EVERY option of saving our marriage.

I did choose J as my husband with the intent of never getting divorced. I do believe we will survive our step parenting, our exes, our daily LIFE. We do well together, we communicate better, we make sure our needs are being met, I have never been so compatible with someone in my life. My husband cherishes me, understands me and I could never think of a single reason he would leave me or our fabulous life together. Maybe I am just naive...I don't know.... What I do know is that I am blessed with a great life and I deserve to be happy and so does my family.

It is saddening to me to see those statistics, I wish it were 75% of 2nd marriage survive!

Lori
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Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 2:15pm

I do hope for a second marriage, and the statistic doesn't scare me. I know my second marriage will be so much different than my first. I have done a lot of work on myself this last year to understand why I made those past mistakes, and what I need that I couldn't get from my ex-husband. I think I know what a healthy relationship looks like now, and I know what not to settle for.

>>>The #1 cited reason 2nd marriages fail is due to "step-kids/co-parenting/ex issues"<<<

I just read a book called "Ex-etiquette" I picked it up at the library because my bf made an observation about me and my ex's interactions when he drops her off at my house, and I was curious if an expert might think I was doing things 'right' or 'wrong.' The book didn't go into how to handle really tough situations like my bf has, but it was pretty thorough and covered a lot of ground on how to make the co-parenting experience work. As I suspected, I am doing things 100% right (the thing my bf was commenting on was not specifically addressed, but I'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt).

I think the reason a lot of people have problems with blended families is for one, they don't think it's going to be as big of a challenge as it is (or they assume they have all the answers and don't do well with unexpected challenges), and two, some people marry others who are not the right choice for them OR the right choice to be a step-parent to the children. You have to have those two things in order or you are going to have a very hard time.

Plus, if I were to marry someone and it was their first marriage, wouldn't we have only a 62.5% chance of failing?

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Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 2:24pm

Plus, if I were to marry someone and it was their first marriage, wouldn't we have only a 62.5% chance of failing?... Hey, then maybe that's what DH and I have going! ;)


Ok, you don't have to tell, but now I am dying of curiosity. What did your b/f think you did so wrong?

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 2:32pm

Replying to Bec but actually to all of you - just gonna do one post vs. several!!!!

Like Andrea said - TT and I were both super cautious about getting in the second time around (3rd for MG) and both knew what we were getting into. And I honestly believe we are both older and wiser and more mature and able to handle the bumps that come along.

Like Lori (and others) have said - TT and I do NOT focus, at all, on the 75% failure rate. We focus on the 25% SUCCESS RATE and are bound and determined to be a part of THAT percentage. And yes, First and Bec - you can average! That gives you a 38$+ success rate!

FOR US - rather than scaring us - it made us far more proactive during the dating phase. It made us far more thoughtful and introspective during the marriage considerations. It made us say "if this is the number one reason for 2nd marriages failing - we are going to divorce proof our marriage the very best we are able to. We are going to tackle the ex/step stuff HEAD ON - we are going to deal with it ALL up-front, everything we possibly can, before we say "I DO". We are going to take our time and work everything out we possibly can before we rush down the aisle. We are going to attend marriage counseling, step-parenting support groups, and since the #2 reason for divorce is finances, we are going to get financial counseling and work out a method and plan before hand. We are going to discuss every single uncomfortable subject we can think of - handle it NOW - rather than during our marriage."

I also think what Bec said is true. People who have been divorced once have an easier time the second time around. I know LOTS and LOTS of people on their third, fourth, even fifth marriages. I'm bound and determined that this is my last. I love TT. He's worth working it out. Unless he dies. (Morbid, I know - but that's how I feel.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 2:44pm

"I love TT. He's worth working it out. Unless he dies. (Morbid, I know - but that's how I feel.)"

I'm wondering what you meant by that?

My mom was married to my dad for nearly 30 years. He was 9 years older than her and when he passed, my mom was 52. But she has never dated anyone else and has no intention to. It has been 9 years since my father passed and my mom has been pursued by a few men, but she will never date anyone. She is still very much committed to my father.

I, on the other hand, having been divorced once, and knowing I can find love again, think that if something happended to D, that I would be deeply heart broken, but would move on eventually. Not "replacing him" but just moving on.

This is opening up a whole other (somewhat morbid) topic, I know...but just wondering how others feel about this? We can move this to OT below if you'd like.

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