Divorce Statistics
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| Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:24pm |
So last night I was watching Dateline (or Primetime Live or something similar) and they were talking about divorce statistics.
50% of first time marriages fail.
75% of second marriages fail.
Not a new statistic to me - something I've definitely known about - but made me ponder more last night.
The #1 cited reason 2nd marriages fail is due to "step-kids/co-parenting/ex issues".
So for those of us already married - do you sometimes think "what was I thinking? The cards are stacked against me!"
For those of you single and dating - is remarriage your goal and desire? Does the 75% failure rate scare you?
TT said something last night that I kind of found interesting. He said people that have been divorced and are in a miserable second marriage have an inner-turmoil. One side of them says "I remember how miserable my first divorce was and I never wanna go through that again." and the other says "I survived it once, I can make it through again." and makes leaving and not trying as hard *that* much easier. Do you agree or disagree?
Any thoughts?

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Hi Mindy,
So for those of us already married - do you sometimes think "what was I thinking? The cards are stacked against me!"
I can see how a blended family can feel "the cards are stacked against me".
CL-Entrepreneurial Women
Business Impressions, LLC
Well first let me say that my bf has given me some excellent advice on co-parenting and dealing with my ex. He was right when he said I let my ex complain to me too much and I was too involved in his problems, he was right that we would be better off having dd transition on Friday nights instead of Saturday nights, and I can't remember what else, but he's usually right about things.
He said when dd was being picked up/dropped off that my ex should wait outside or at the door, not come inside. He said it's my house and there should be a barrier at the door. I didn't outright disagree, but said I'd think about it. To some extent I do agree because when it's nice outside I do usually meet them outside and my ex does not come in. And I prefer it that way. But since it's so cold now, sometimes I tell him to come in just so I can close the door. When we first moved dd had to show him her room and for some reason, the basement. When my ex moved my dd had to show me his whole place (gosh I wish she hadn't, it was a disaster). But in principle those house tours were fine, and my ex coming just inside the door is fine, and when dd occasionally wants to show her dad something she made that happens to be taped to the wall in the dining room, again, it's fine. I agree there should be limits, but I don't think this one is a big deal. He certainly isn't coming in and sitting down or hanging out! That would bother me.
I can attest to that. A blended family is far from the Brady Bunch of TV. But we make it work. I can recall when we decided to live together and sought some counseling from the pastors of our church the first thing they said to us is: “Become a team, put first priority on that – don’t let the kids divide you.”
Strong words. We’ve had our arguments over discipline, and we’ve had the kids test us by playing each of us. Sometimes if one of the boys isn’t listening to me, I have to get D to back me up…and vice versa with my daughter. Sometimes I have to remind D that dealing with a pre-pubescent girl is a whole other world. Sometimes I have to defend her…and sometimes he has to step in when he thinks I’m not being fair. But we do it away from the kids and we come to an agreement between us about how we’re going to handle it.
Humor is a HUGE crutch for us. Sometimes when we argue about something I’ll throw a dagger at him by saying “you’re acting just like your son!” and he’ll reply with “Well, you’re being just like you’re daughter!” and then we’ll throw in some sarcastic “FINE!” and “WHATEVERRR!” comments in there, and end up laughing and smiling again.
Blended families are tough! It’s not always a picnic, but when it is, it’s WONDERFUL and it’s worth it! :)
I am 29. TT is 40. If he should die before me, I fully expect that I would date again and perhaps remarry. No offense meant to your mom, at all, I just know that for me, personally, life is sweeter if it is shared with someone that I love and that loves me. NO ONE would EVER fill TT's shoes, but I would love again. I have no doubt. And if TT were to die, the committment I made to him would die with him, and I would feel free to love again.
I also want to point out that this is something that TT and I discussed in heart felt, tear filled conversations when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer (which was before we were married). He would not want me to spend the rest of my life alone, and I would not want him to spend the rest of life alone. We both feel that life is best when shared.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
I can totally see your b/f's point on that. Mainly because what often happens is that women feel they "should" let their ex in, and then they "should" let their ex take a seat...Before you know it they don't feel that their turf is their own and there is a lot of resentment.
To women like THIS the advice is almost always, "just don't invite him even in the door. He doesn't need to even come in"
But, it sounds like you and your ex are mutually very respectful. And that's great for your dd, because I am sure it helps her a lot that he can at least step in. I can't imagine, as a child, how I would feel if my dad couldn't even step foot in my house.
But really, I am surprised that there wasn't this particular in books. I've heard discussion about it many times. Interesting.
Thanks for sharing! I am so glad your b/f is so very helpful.
>>>I am so glad your b/f is so very helpful.<<<
ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not the thing I want to hear when I think he is in the process of duming me!!!!! I will always appreciate how helpful he has been but my heart is breaking that I don't even know if it's over or where he is or why he's not calling me back and if he's even okay. I can't seem to stop calling him my bf but I think I've posted my situation in at least three different threads now!
Hugs, First.
I'm so sorry.
I've been out of the loop as far as many topics go. The last I remember you posting, he was considering once again moving to be with his son. Is that still the case?
I'm so sorry he has you in limbo. I think that's horribly unfair of him. I hope you hear from him soon. I think not knowing is the worst.
Hugs to you!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
For those of you single and dating - is remarriage your goal and desire? Does the 75% failure rate scare you?
Yes, I would like to be married again. The 75% failure rate really doesn't scare me -- mostly because I've accomplished things in my life that at some point in my life I thought I never could. I'm sure a second marriage can be hard, especially if it involves blending families. But I do believe that you get out of something what you put into it. And if a second marriage is a very strong goal for me, I will do whatever I can to make it work. I think the problem comes in when the other partner doesn't have the same philosophy. It takes two people to make something work. If you don't meet each other half way, it never will work. So I guess what was said about being with the wrong person the first time and making sure you are with the right person the second time holds some weight.
Donna
I am so sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive at all! I guess when you made mention of him as "my bf" I didn't slow down enough to realize that you might've been saying that while still feeling in limbo. I know you've said all of this, but I just slipped because...well, because you did!
Hugs hugs hugs.
Mindy is right. It's very very unkind of him to leave you hanging like this. Very.
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