Divorce Statistics

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Divorce Statistics
43
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:24pm

So last night I was watching Dateline (or Primetime Live or something similar) and they were talking about divorce statistics.

50% of first time marriages fail.

75% of second marriages fail.

Not a new statistic to me - something I've definitely known about - but made me ponder more last night.

The #1 cited reason 2nd marriages fail is due to "step-kids/co-parenting/ex issues".

So for those of us already married - do you sometimes think "what was I thinking? The cards are stacked against me!"

For those of you single and dating - is remarriage your goal and desire? Does the 75% failure rate scare you?

TT said something last night that I kind of found interesting. He said people that have been divorced and are in a miserable second marriage have an inner-turmoil. One side of them says "I remember how miserable my first divorce was and I never wanna go through that again." and the other says "I survived it once, I can make it through again." and makes leaving and not trying as hard *that* much easier. Do you agree or disagree?

Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 3:31pm

Regarding the ex coming in the house - if you are fine with it then it is not a problem. You sound logical and okay with this matter.

BUT with my ex - there is no way he is allowed in my house. He is nosy and makes comments and makes my skin crawl. So, he has been trained to wait at the door. It is not an issue now.

I have also trained my son to have all of his things in order so the transition from here to his dad's car is quick and easy. I have taught him out of respect for his dad. But it works in my favor, too.

Regarding being in limbo - I do understand your pain but I also urge you to just put the whole matter on hold and not think about it. There is nothing you can do and your whole life cannot hinge on this.

It reminds me of a guy I dated where he thought he was going to get transferred from here in S. Florida to Atlanta. We had a lot of drama where I really wanted him to stay and be with me. His kids live about 4 hours north of here and it was hard for him - he would almost fall in love with me and then pull back. We had a lot of drama because of this.

In the end he didn't move. But we had so much drama that the relationship could not go forward.

As I look back on all of this, I realize my biggest mistake was to put too much emotion and care into something over which I had no control. People come into your life for a time and then they sometimes go. They are there to serve a purpose but it might not be your spouse for life. It might be to get you ready for that or just the next step.

You have to accept this. I know it is hard. I hope that each day will get easier for you in some way.

HUGS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 3:36pm

I think I can relate to Min's statement "TT is worth working it out."

I think that is because they really click and her life is so much better with TT. In the case of my ex, when I did decide to throw in the towel, we had nothing left for joy in a relationship. There was nothing left that was worth working out and my life was much better without him.

I have since read some wonderful books about love and compatibility and this is the greatest lesson. A wonderful relationship starts the way that Min has said - where you divorce-proof your marriage and take care of each other's needs. You need two people who realize the importance of this.

In my case, my ex put his boss and his mother long before the marriage. Over time we just became incompatible instead of together. I have learned a lot from this and I know I will do better the next time.

Orange clouds, you also asked if you should have put this post in the other section. I don't think so at all. This is one of the best conversations we have had. After all, the single moms who are dating are doing so for an end goal of being married. None of us want to go through the pain and agony of a divorce.

So this is all very enlightening and very relevant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 3:45pm
It just all hit me YESTERDAY that maybe it is ending. I am not going to be over a year long relationship for someone I care for deeply in ONE DAY! I cannot stop thinking about it immediately and I have said over and over again that I know my life does not hinge on it! I realize I have to accept it but am I supposed to be an emotionless, uncaring robot? Can I at least take a few days here and maybe a week could pass before I get the kick in the pants to get over it?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:02pm

I hope you don't think I was saying that you should be emotionless or get a kick in the pants. Only to try to see that maybe he was meant to bring you the gifts you mentioned in your previous message about being good with money, etc. but not meant to be here forever or for right now.

What happened yesterday that made you think it is ending?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:05pm
Apparently it's Wednesday and it's been two days since this all started. The days are running together. I know I am emotional right now but this having your heart broken is new to me. In past relationships I avoided getting emotionally invested which kept me from being hurt. I've made good progress in that area, obviously. To anyone who wants to comment on my situation, please know I am still in the 'anything you say can make me burst into tears stage.'

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:06pm

Min, I totally get what you’re saying. That is how I feel too. As a younger adult, if I lost D, I would move on, because like you, I believe life is meant to be shared.

But, I can understand my mom’s position too. My mom is old school Roman Catholic and she believes in one marriage. Having been married to the same man for the majority of her life, and that man being my dad, who was beyond awesome…that would be a tough act to follow. I am not sure if, after 30+ years of sharing my life with D, in the latter part of my life I lost him, I would be able to move on, or if I would just be inclined to wait it out myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:10pm

I agree with you.

After 30 years of marriage, I can't imagine that I would meet anyone who would interest me, and I totally respect where your mom is at. But NOW - at 29 - I won't spend the next 50 +/- (God willing) years alone. At 60 - I pity the man who will be compared to my TT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:16pm

Huge, huge, huge hugs to you.

"In past relationships I avoided getting emotionally invested which kept me from being hurt. I've made good progress in that area, obviously."

ME TOO, ME TOO! While I have made good progress in that area, it is a DAILY battle for me to be open and vulnerable to other people. I am so sorry that your huge progress was made in a relationship that you fear may very well be ending. I am so sorry you are on the verge of tears. You are obviously very raw and very emotional, and it's completely understandable. Lean on us for support, we all have strong shoulders and soft, loving hearts. I don't know if you are a woman of faith or not, but I pray that you find comfort and peace in this mess. Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:19pm

I agree with you as well, West. My marriage ended for similar reasons and there was no “relationship left to salvage by the time we split.

And I think you and Min are 100% correct in your beliefs and approach for the second time around and I am a student of that school of thought as well! I want to be part of that 25%! Ofcourse, I believe I have to get married first. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:24pm

I am chiming in to let you know that my ex and my husband's ex come in our house and we go into their houses too. My ex doesn't usually want to but when he is talking to me and trying to ask me something or him explaining something to me, I say to him would you please just come in so I don't heat the outside or it's okay to come in the house. My youngest wanted to show his dad his BIG stereo that he got for xmas and I said sure. J's ex...walks right in too and has seen the girls bedroom and sat at my kitchen table when she wanted to talk to us about something of the girls. I really don't mind, we provide the kids with a nice home filled with love and whoever walks in our home can see/feel that. I walk in J's ex's house too, I feel a little uncomfortable but I do it for the girls and it's not that often that I pick them up or drop them off myself. We have always tried to have a good working relationship for our children it just makes things much less complicated for them.

Anyway, do what you feel is right.

Lori

Lori