Divorce Statistics

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Divorce Statistics
43
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:24pm

So last night I was watching Dateline (or Primetime Live or something similar) and they were talking about divorce statistics.

50% of first time marriages fail.

75% of second marriages fail.

Not a new statistic to me - something I've definitely known about - but made me ponder more last night.

The #1 cited reason 2nd marriages fail is due to "step-kids/co-parenting/ex issues".

So for those of us already married - do you sometimes think "what was I thinking? The cards are stacked against me!"

For those of you single and dating - is remarriage your goal and desire? Does the 75% failure rate scare you?

TT said something last night that I kind of found interesting. He said people that have been divorced and are in a miserable second marriage have an inner-turmoil. One side of them says "I remember how miserable my first divorce was and I never wanna go through that again." and the other says "I survived it once, I can make it through again." and makes leaving and not trying as hard *that* much easier. Do you agree or disagree?

Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:26pm
Thank you. I've been crying off and on all day. It sucks to be at work and be upset about something. I keep pretending I have a bad cold.


Edited 12/29/2004 4:29 pm ET ET by firstamendment

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:32pm
I am sorry your going through this! Huge Hugs!
Lori
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:35pm
More hugs for you. Vent away here. We can take it!
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:54pm
OMG - it does stink to be that way in public never mind work!! I hope you wear glasses!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:57pm

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And I know the timing of it just stinks, royally, and makes it that much more difficult.

I've been at work in tears, a couple of times. And I've done the "Oh, no, I have a cold, it's just allergies!" excuse before. I hope you have someone there in REAL LIFE who you can turn to for hugs and support. And if you need to pour your heart out but don't feel comfortable doing so on the board, you can always email me through my profile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:59pm

Firstamendment:

I just want to offer my support to you. Back 3 years ago, I was in the same boat as you (though some of the circumstances are different). I cried so much at work that I'm surprised I never got fired. Were always here to listen, and we do understand your pain. At least I know I do. All I can say is be kind to yourself, because "this too shall pass" even though right now it seems that it won't.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 6:07pm

Mindy:

"I pity the man who will be compared to my TT!" This is why I would never want the married ladies here to leave this board. I have a friend thats been married to her husband for 17 years; and she never has anything positive to say about him. I just love to hear comments that you make. You are obviously very much in love, and in this day and age, that's really great to see. And it really is an inspiration. I truly hope I can be as lucky as you are some day.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 6:59pm

Thank you so much. In the past I would have talked to my mom, but she recently met my bf and I'm still mad at the way she acted towards him. Her shoulder is not available right now. I'm not ready to talk to any of my friends yet because I really don't know what's going on.

Maybe there is some legitimate reason he hasn't called back, family emergency or something like that. Or if I just need to realize that he's not available for this relationship and he doesn't care how much I am hurting without. I think the worst way to dump someone is to just stop calling. This has happened the only two other times I gave my heart away. This time it just doesn't make sense. I don't think my bf is the type to break up this way. I don't know why he wouldn't just tell me it was over if it was over. It's so painful not knowing what is going on. But he's not returning my calls and he's not emailing me back, and I am definitely going through breakup pain on the assumption that is what is happening.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 7:03pm
Yesterday I wore my glasses because my eye's were swollen from the night before. Today I thought I would be fine so I wore my contacts. I was able to keep to myself for most of the day and I kept from having a total breakdown, although I was close a couple times. I hate hate hate crying at work. :(

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 8:52pm

I have been there. Too many times in my dating life. First there was Patrick and the move to Atlanta - or the near move to Atlanta which nearly devastated me. Then after all of that he broke up because he couldn't handle the relationship thing here when his kids were far away. Then he wanted to get back together and after a month or two I ended up calling it quits because he would go on the week long no-call jags and it was just too much upheaval with his career and his kids being so far away. I really felt close to him and we were so so compatible and always had fun. I think if we would have met in our 20s and didn't have kids things would be so different. At any rate, he taught me a lot of lessons and I got over him. (I eventually discovered that his wife moved here and they are now together but I am sure he did this just for the kids. He did send a Xmas card to me with no return address - whatever - that went into the shredder!)

Next was the guy from Canada (I posted about him on the Wierd Stories Discussion) he was impotent from prostate cancer. He treated me really nice but he went back with his exgf. This I found out in an email after a really long business trip and I read it at midnight when I was exhausted.

Then there was the personal trainer who all my friends adored for me. We started going out through the holidays when he had a LOT of time and then in January he freaked about fitting a relationship into his life and he dumped me on my birthday. The funny thing is that I never minded the time part - he would call every day and we would see each other once a week. He just figured I deserved better and he imagined I would dump him in time or get more demanding. I later figured out that he is narcisstic - he is 47 (but looks 37) never been married and was abused by his mom. All those things went off as red flags in the beginning but my friends all adored him so that is why I gave him a try. It is upsetting to get dumped on your birthday but I never felt that close to him and now I see that as a blessing!!

So after all of that I said I am not dating until I really find myself PLUS I felt the best thing to do is to do nothing and let the universe provide someone who comes into my life through my every day activities. And now you see me two years later.

Actually I have fallen for my coach and have a big crush but am not sure. We are best friends and see each other almost every day. We have so much fun together. He likes my son. He is very shy and I am his client. Plus I am older, have a kid, a successful business and I am sure this intimidates him. For now I am being patient and I am holding my heart back and keeping busy and keeping my eyes open.

I have found that you have to hold your heart back in the beginning and see if something is really meant to be. I think reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You" has helped tremendously along with the huge pile of other books. I have a lot of single women friends and this board and I no longer take anything personally because I see everyone struggle with dating and men.

BUT I do know your pain. I know I have urged you to put him on hold and be realistic. I may have been hard on you - but it is because I don't want you to settle or go off the deep end. You have come a long way and have your whole life ahead of you. This relationship has a purpose in your life and it is too soon to tell what that really is. Maybe it is meant to be and needs time. Or maybe not. Only time holds the answer.

Dry your eyes and try to stay busy. The pain will lessen and you will have brighter days. It is sad that you have been hurt the first time you have really opened your heart. But it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.