Divorce Statistics

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Divorce Statistics
43
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 12:24pm

So last night I was watching Dateline (or Primetime Live or something similar) and they were talking about divorce statistics.

50% of first time marriages fail.

75% of second marriages fail.

Not a new statistic to me - something I've definitely known about - but made me ponder more last night.

The #1 cited reason 2nd marriages fail is due to "step-kids/co-parenting/ex issues".

So for those of us already married - do you sometimes think "what was I thinking? The cards are stacked against me!"

For those of you single and dating - is remarriage your goal and desire? Does the 75% failure rate scare you?

TT said something last night that I kind of found interesting. He said people that have been divorced and are in a miserable second marriage have an inner-turmoil. One side of them says "I remember how miserable my first divorce was and I never wanna go through that again." and the other says "I survived it once, I can make it through again." and makes leaving and not trying as hard *that* much easier. Do you agree or disagree?

Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 10:21pm

I wanted to tell you more about Patrick so you would see that I was indeed in your shoes as far as being so happy together and in love.

He was the first man to really see and appreciate all of my strengths. He loved that I had my own business. He admired how I raised my son and thought my son was so so mart. He ADORED my cooking (I was trained as a chef) and was impressed with everything I made. We were so compatible sexually and we had a lot of chemistry and spontaneity together. His personality was HILARIOUS - he looked and acted like Jack Nicholson but in a good way. He was cute to sleep with - he was like a big teddy bear that slept with all of these pillows and blankets.

He took me fishing on his boat - and we had a blast - we caught a lot of fish, saw a pod of whales, had wild sex during the day right in the middle of the ocean. And we went snorkeling in one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen complete with turtles, lobsters, eels and so many fish and coral. I had a ball helping him clean the boat and we had a contest to see who could clean the fish the fastest (my chef skills came in handy).

He also loved that I am a triathlete and loved to run and bike with me. He loved lifting weights with me - that was his forte and I enjoyed having him teach me that.

Best of all he was the marketing director for a beer company (great beer by the way) and he had a huge expense account so we could eat out in nice places. He was a perfect gentleman and would always open the car door for me and everything.

He was not a player - he had dated very few woman and dating made him very nervous. He always thought I was drop dead gorgeous and told me that often.

He brought presents to my staff and they loved him.

He would call on a somewhat regular basis. He even said he wanted to be married again.

OKAY - but the BUTS. Whenever we would really get close he would pull back. I mean pull back - cold - for days or a week. And whenever something would go wrong with the kids that would be even worse. The kids were his most important thing - and I totally understand and respect him for that. You see, he admitted that whenever he felt really in love with me he felt like he was abandoning his kids because they were 4 hours away and he was not sure if he should stay here or try to go there. He had tried to find a job there before he met me but to no avail.

He built a house 1.5 hours north of here to be closer to them. But that doesn't make sense because it is far away from his accounts and doesn't shave that much off the drive to see them. Then he got into the whole negative scene with his exwife - he would talk about a lot of things about her that he didn't like - and I would always think those were not that bad. He hated his boss. I realized that I could not give up my whole life here with my employees, babysitters, friends, son's friends, etc. to live 1.5 hours north with him.

You can ask how did I get myself in that mess? Well there was no way of knowing - he passed all of the initial screens I had at the time. He had been divorced for 3 years, had dated other people before me, swore he would never want to move from this location and wanted a longterm monogamous relationship.

The pain is gone now and I have fond memories. I am okay. AND he has set a new standard for me finding someone who sees and cherishes my strengths. I never had that with my exh. I also know I will not marry someone in the corporate world who could be transferred because I cannot move with my son and I wouldn't want to. For that lesson he was worth it.

I hope I have helped you in some way. It was fun for me to remember this story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 8:23am
Thank you thank you thank you and yes yes yes. You most is very relevant and makes a lot of sense. I'm going to post an update in a new thread.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 8:26am
I can see a LOT of similarities between that situation and my current one, including the fact that mine may be heading for the 'fond memories' category. Thank you for sharing that.

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