divorced ,2 kids: no chance for dating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
divorced ,2 kids: no chance for dating?
10
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:29pm
Greetings! Brand new to this board and would love to have your advice with regards to my situation:

I have been separated for almost a year and now finalizing my horrible divorce from physically abusive man. A couple of months ago I tried on-line dating just to prove my ex that "I too can date" ( he kept telling me that I am making a big mistake leaving him because "noone will want a divorced mother of 2" ). So I got some replies, some invitations to meet, but I didn't go any further than just e-mails - I got frozen because ( O'K this is embarassing)... I was not able to tell the truth about myself, i.e that I have kids!!! So many things went through my head: remarks from male friends about how they would never date a woman with chidlren ( " it is like dating the whole family"), my own ex's comments, the fact that people would never guess that I have children ( I had children early, I am 28 and my eldest son is 5 y.o). So I quit the dating experience which left me wondering about: what are my chances for dating in the future? Is it true that sinlge men, who have never been married before, would never date a woman with children and that my choices will be limited to divorced fathers ( as only them would understand)? What should be my expectations about dating? How should I behave about it: say it right away, at the second date, and how to actually present the issue? I am not trying to mislead anyone, but even sinlge and fabulous gals have all kinds of rules around dating ( remember Sex and the City?), so there may be some Dating 101 for single moms too.

So those of you who have already had this experience, could you please share your experiences of dating with me?



I thank you all in advance for your time, your support and your attention.



P.S.About myself: 28 y.o, professional, have 2 most adorable kids that live with me ( father visits them every second week-end), juggling career-home-kids-care for my old granny. (Gosh, I don't even have time for dating - why would I even think of such a thing?? :))

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:22pm
Since my divorce, I've had two boyfriends. I met both of them online. Both of them were single, never married, great jobs. Neither one of them 'minded' the fact that I am a single mom. I tried dating various divorced men, but it never got further than 1 or 2 dates because they had so much baggage and really seemed interested in casual relationships.

About the never married guys though, word of warning, I'm about to break-up with my current boyfriend. It hurts. He's such a great guy, but will always be a bachelor. If I wanted to continue to have a monogamous relationship with him, I could. He would do that. He'd be loyal to me, but I need more than that. I need emotional intimacy. He isn't available to me that way.

If I can make a suggestion, it's best to wait until your divorce is final. I'm speaking from experience on this one. I started dating my first, post-marriage boyfriend while separated. Poor guy. He stuck by me through the ugly ordeal, but he wasn't my type at all. I picked a guy who was the exact opposite as my ex. He was a transition guy. It gets a lot better after your divorce is final.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 11:26pm
I agree with this whole post on all points. It sounds like I wrote it - like totally!!

You are still young and will meet someone who is right for you. Take the time to get over your divorce and become yourself again. Then you will meet the right person.

Welcome to our board!! Please stay and be active here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 10:59am
Welcome, I know you will like it here.

You asked this question: "Is it true that sinlge men, who have never been married before, would never date a woman with children and that my choices will be limited to divorced fathers ( as only them would understand)" I do agree that divorced men with children will be able to understand your situation better than a man that does not have children. But I don't agree with the statement that men who have never been married would never date a woman with children. Up until just recently, the only men I dated were men that were never married and had no children. I will agree with fivesense though, if you're looking for commitment, you probably won't get it from those kinds of men. Some bachelors are bachelors because they want to be. As for divorced dads, yes they might have some baggage, but they will understand your situation.

Don't listen to the negative comments of other people, especially your ex. I used to tell myself that no one would ever want a divorced mom of twins. After my exh left, I didn't date for 2 years. But after that, I had two long term relationships, and two other casual ones. It's not like no one wanted to date me, like I thought. Think positive and be yourself. If you are negative, you will project that. You're young, which is a definite advantage. I'm ten years older than you, and I think dating at my age is a lot tougher. Just stay out there, and if someone doesn't work out for you, let it go and move on. I usually tell the men up front that I have two kids, but I wait months before I let them meet my kids. That's just something I learned the hard way. Don't work so hard at it. When you least expect it, something will happen. Good luck to you.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 11:14am
Boy don't those words ring in my ears..when I got divorced my ex told me I was fat, ugly and no man would want a woman with three kids. For many months after the divorce, I looked at myslef in the mirror, told myslef I was somebody special, pretty in my own way, and someday I would find someone decent to share my life with. That was almost 6 years ago. I am in my early 40's and have yet to find that person, although along the rocky path of dating, I have found myself...what I want out of life, what I can live with, what I can't. I have made some wonderful male friends. I have three beautifuly children, that are first and foremost in my life.

My advice.....don't let what someone says about you define you. Those individuals who speak so low of another person do so to build their own lacking self esteem. As all of us who have been divorced for some time know...you will go through many low periods in your life; pick yourself up, brush the dust off, and go on. As time goes by...it does get better. I almost immediately tell a potential interest that I have children. I don't want either of us to become "friends" and then drop that bomb. There are many men out there who don't give a flip about your past, or that you have children. Be receptive to all who might cross your path, you never know if that person might be a potential mate. And with some experience you will be able to weed out the keepers from the rest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 11:17am
This is good advice for all of us Donna. Thanks for sharing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:52pm
You know, when someone is hurting, they are going to lash out and try to hurt you back. You say your ex was abusive, did you think that the abuse would stop just because you are getting a divorce? Now it's verbal abuse rather than physical- although I think you had the verbal abuse along with the physical all this time too, didn't you?

So really, you can't listen to your ex, he's only trying to make you feel so low that he can talk you into being with him again. Abusive people try to make others feel that only THEY could possibly love and put up with you. That's their control mechanism. But YOU are out of there, and you don't need to feel like that again.

I suggest that you don't talk to him AT ALL about anything other than the children. You need to set the boundaries with him about what is and is not acceptable conversation. If it means that you have to set up a third party meeting place to drop off/ pick up the kids, then do it. If it means that you only correspond with him via email or mail or fax or messages, then do it. If he tries to say something about your personal life, you cut him off and say, "well, I guess we've said all there needs to be said about the kids, talk to you next week". AND HANG UP! Don't get sucked into the arguements, and don't listen to the BULL!

You will be better off if you can change the communication with him. Then you can focus on yourself, your family and your life. Who cares what this guy's opinion is??? Do you like yourself? Do you work hard and provide a good life for your family? Are your kids well adjusted and happy, do you enjoy them? Those are the things that matter.

When you have the divorce finalized and you change the communication with your ex, then you will feel stronger and happier. When you feel good about yourself, you will radiate that positive energy. That is what will attract people to you, is the positive energy and happiness you bring to the table, whether it's making new friends or meeting a potential date.

Now, you will meet some men who are only interested in a casual thing. The most important thing is to be honest and up front about things. You have children, so you should mention them at the first meeting. If a guy isn't interested in you because of your kids, letting him know you have them will weed out those types.

Good luck!

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:25pm
Hi, and welcome. As to the whether men would want a woman who had children or if you're limited to single fathers, I'm now happily married for over a year to a man who never had children, despite being married before never wanted children and whose weekend job was lead singer for a rock band. He knew about dd from the very first (I'm lucky because he also had a wonderful stepfather himself growing up so he had a good role model) and fell in love with me. Dd, as she often does, stole his heart eventually too and he's the best dad in the world to her and in fact finds it very fulfilling. He wouldn't give her up now for anything.

As for advice, I'd say ditch any dating "rules"; we're grownups with children, do we really have time for playing manipulation games. The only big caution I would have is to try to take it slow, especially with regard to the children and don't introduce them to anyone until you can tell it's really going someplace. It's too confusing; my mother always introduced us to quickly, although I did used to tease her that she never dated anyone she didn't marry (she was married 5 times), thankfully because we lived with our grandparents during most of that time due to her job as a cross country truck driver I didn't have to live with more than two stepfathers. And don't be too afraid to dip your toes in the water. It is scary and I wasn't even really looking for love when dh and I got together;I was divorced at 29 after a 6 year marriage with an emotionally and occasionally physically abusive addict and I was convinced no one would want a single mom. But I was wrong. Stick around here though, you'll find lots of support and encouragement. Some of the ladies here could tell you when I first started dating dh and how worried I was all the time that it wasn't going to work, then that we absolutely would NEVER get married, then that I was open but he'd never consider it, you can guess the rest ;).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:17pm
yes...of course there are some men that would never date a single mom...but there are others who don't think anything about it, who have experienced it before and are willing to have another go at it. I think it depends on the age group that you're dating. I dated men 35-40 who were thinking they missed the boat on the family thing.

I think you should get the kid thing out of the way...why bother going on the second date otherwise. If you're meeting men online, they should have that posted, that moms are ok...and if you have an ad, you post it. Put it in your introductory letter and state what you're after straight away...a relationship leading to marriage, a short term commited and exclusive relationship, just friends for now.

If you haven't already, you need to make a parenting decision...when you date someone at what point will you introduce the children and how?

Your ex doesn't have your best interests at heart and he knows how to push your buttons so don't pay attention to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:36am
Lets see. where to start... Well, I am a divorced mother of two too (s 13/d 9). My ex was an alcoholic and I handled my fair share of the verbal & physical abuse over the years we were together, we met when we were 15. Well, the divorce was truely the best thing for my kids and myself. It was hard at first, dating again that is, I was 28 and a mother of two, (then s 11, d 7). I met my boyfriend, fiance now (as of 09/02/04) online, on a yahoo chat room in our state. He is also divorced and has two children around the same ages. We met about 1 1/2yrs ago. Well, we chatted online for our 3 weeks and then finally decided it was time to meet. We hit it off and started dating the next day. I introduced him to my kids during a BIG (lots of people) picnic party we were having, that was probably around 2months of knowing him. Plus my kids wanted to know who mommy was going on dates with. :-) They really liked him and of course still do. He is very active in their sports and etc.

p.s. I have full custody of my children and they see their dad here and there but no overnighters. But, the here and there is all up to him and when he wants to see them. Ticks me off that he doesn't see them more, we live in the same town too.. He is acting like a 16yr old, and he's 31!!!Oh well. I have family locally so I had babysitter's when I went out on dates.

good luck..

Don't forget to make time for yourself.

June.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 7:01pm
madinochka,

dont listen to an ex that degrades you, puts you down. there are plently of men that would date a single mom. why limit yourself to a man who was never married before .

i am divorced and would love to meet a single mom. if things get serious they have playmates for your together time.

also i love sports nothing like watching your kid play sports or your girlfriends child also. there is alot to together time in that. more important there is that feeling of being a family . now that i am divorced i feel lonely on holidays and get bored. i do see my kids but they are at an age where they feel their friends are more important.