Do I need the patience of loonybunny?
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| Sun, 10-05-2008 - 3:29pm |
Sorry, Loonybunny, to drag you into this...lol...and I have hardly ever posted, but I have read your story of MM, and I am so relating to your beginning stages!
I have been talking with this guy for a few weeks. First, we were just exchanging emails, and one day he invited me over to his place for a cookout with another friend of his. Both of us have so much in common "on paper" it is ridiculous. We are in the same profession (which requires a graduate degree--I have never dated anyone in my profession because the men are hard to find), we have sole custody of our kids, we are looking to make the same career move, etc. We hit it off great and scheduled a lunch for later in the week. Again, it went well.
He is relatively new to town so when we met up at church, he was sitting next to me, and started introducing himself to my friends as my friend. We had been talking on the phone every night for an hour or so, and that continued for about a week. I started realizing that the phone conversations were dying, and we needed a different venue. I thought he was thinking the same thing as he did not call me one night.
I didn't call him that night either, and the next day when he called, he had to leave a voicemail. I called him back and left a voicemail. He texted me the next morning apologizing that he missed my return call and we would talk later.
Then he called that afternoon and had to leave a voicemail again. I got the message 20 minutes later and called leaving a voicemail that I was leaving in an hour, but I would be available until then. He called me and we talked briefly before I had to have dinner with the kids. In that conversation he hinted at not knowing the rules for dating and how a friend of his was being blown off by a girl. I wasn't sure if he was hinting that he thought I was blowing him off so after I put dinner on the table I texted him that I was not blowing him off when I said I had to eat with the kids and then a "LOL" so he would know it was all good.
I never heard back from him until two days later when I emailed him (I wasn't even going to do that). We had talked about an outing the previous week, and I am going there this weekend with or without him so I let him know in an email. Surprisingly, he agreed to go and told me to call him. Of course, when I did call him, I got his voicemail once again, and I just told him to call me before noon when I am leaving. We never made it yesterday--he texted me about a family emergency like he was scared to call me. I told him it was fine, and he apologized, via text, profusely. I haven't heard from him since (the family emergency should be taken care of by now). I guess I am just going to bide my time. I am busy enough so it doesn't bother me too much, but I do dislike this stage.
Did too many phone calls kill the interest for him? Is the damage reversible? He went from calling me every day to not even taking my calls (even ones he asked for) and apologizing that he missed the calls to just not taking my calls. I am in no hurry, but I really rather not feel like I am in a game, yet I think if I call him on it, it will make things worse right now. He seems nervous and shy.

me, patient??? oh my lol... but i suppose i gave MM quite a lot of patience. He said the same thing to me last night "i don't know the rules of dating"...which still confuses me because i didn't think guys needed rules. MM said in his opinion the book "He's just not that into you" isn't accurate. MM said he goes with the flow instead of being aggressive. Which is why when i felt threaten by that new girl, i thought, it's time to clear the air once and for all.... i would have really kicked myself if some hussy stole him from me because i was playing it cool. In fact, that's what i told MM last night..... I was playing cool. And he said, cool enough that he couldn't read me.
Yes, I do like him as a friend so I guess that is why I am probably more apt to be patient as well. The problem is that we are now in that awkward phase of not being either...ugh. He was not at our usual group meeting, and I am guessing that him being embarrassed about "blowing me off" may be a factor--we used to joke about blowing each other off when we first started talking.
I think I, too, sound cool. If I don't hear from him tonight, I was thinking about emailing this to him tomorrow (keep in mind that we have both had to write dissertations):
S,
I have really enjoyed getting to know you better. Please don't worry about not being able to make it to ****--I believe that family comes first. I just thought it would be a nice way to talk because I think phone conversations can get awkward after a bit simply because you are missing part of the communication (and I am sure that someone has done a dissertation on what percentage of communication is nonverbal, but I am not going to look it up!) :-)
Take care and have a good week!
A
I was hoping that had enough encouragement that I like him without scaring him away. I cannot keep this up for a long time, but I figure I can give him some allowances in the beginning stages!
Hi Aimsicle, welcome to the board.
Ok- instead of writing an email to him about possible problems/ hard feelings that may or may not be the reason he's not returning calls... why not just call him and pretend NOTHING is out of the ordinary and just see if he wants to get together?
"Hey S, it's A, I was gonna head out to (the pumpkin patch, coffee, art show) on wed, would you like to join me?"
What have you got to lose?
I agree.
I knew there was a reason for me to post! That sounds like a great idea...I think I am going to have to figure out my schedule first and maybe give him a little more cave time. If our similarities freaked me out, I am sure they freaked him out even more. It felt like we got to know each other too fast, if that makes sense. We were talking about things we probably should not have talked about until many dates into the relationship because our phone calls got too deep. In fact, one of the major themes of his conversations was rejection--how he is always the guy the girl goes out with right before meeting THE ONE. Our last long and deep conversation was about how he found out about his divorce--it was a pretty traumatic story (and obviously about rejection, too).
I really have a hard time being the one who initiates, but if it is something easy, I bet I could do it to encourage him once some more time passes. Right now I think that the ball is in his court since he canceled and apologized, but I don't mind checking in later to see where he is. At the same time, I know realistically I cannot be the one who "fixes" his fear of rejection so he is going to have to get over it pretty quickly if we are to date! :-)
Thanks!
Edited 10/5/2008 10:57 pm ET by aimsicle
Edited 10/5/2008 11:00 pm ET by aimsicle
oh gosh, i can relate to NOT wanting to initiate. for me, i didn't want to stick my neck out. i feared rejection as well.... but when i finally told MM that i felt that way.. it put him
Well, I decided to text him this afternoon. I just said "I missed you yesterday--hope everything is ok!" He texted back and then called me when he got off work. We had a good conversation, and I brought up lunch. He sounded excited and will get back to me tomorrow when he knows his schedule. I feel so much better now.
I think I am going back in my mind about 15 years to a guy I was seeing who was committment-phobic (of course, we were in college so no one was ready really). He showed some of these same behaviors (disappearing after being vulnerable), and I put up with it way too long. I am not going to do that this time. Life is too short, and I am not 20 anymore! I like what you said, Loony, and I will be patient as long as I am comfortable with it!
that's great.. i'm glad you have plans to see each other again... and WTG, making yourself a priority!!
Loonybunny