Do we *have* to get married?

Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Do we *have* to get married?
15
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 5:55am

Why can't we just date and maintain seperate households forever? I told him this was as far as I'd want to ever go when we first met, and he's always said that's ok, but then he says things like, "You know, even though it's ok if we never get married, I'd do it in a second if you asked." and "In ten years I see us living together." This leads me to beleive he may want to get married more than he is willing to tell me.

I told him he could buy or rent a condo in my building if he wanted, but I *need* my own space, and full control of my financial situation. Right now, if he doesn't wash his dishes for a few days, or if he procrastinates on doing his taxes, that is HIS problem. I do not want to make it my problem. I do not want to fight about these things with him *ever*. I don't want his ugly bachelor stuff in my house, and I don't think he'd be happy living with my very very feminine decor, despite whatever he may say.

I love him deeply, and I think he's a wonderful person. He treats me like gold, and he treats my daughter like gold. I want him in my life forever, but not in my house. I'm too picky. I'm not willing to make any concessions about these things. We're happy now. Why does he want to go and mess it up by getting married?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 8:35am
I have asked myself the same questions! LOL! I wish I had an answer! Just wanted you to know you are not alone in your thoughts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 9:10am

At first I laughed - your note is so cute!! But I do relate - you are right - and it is an absolutely maddening process to think about marriage and such an upheaval with house and finances.

Did you have a bad experience in marriage before? I think you are filling your head with a lot of "what ifs" - maybe you have to talk about all of these things?

What if you could have a lot more together than what you have now separately? What if you could have a bigger house in a better area for your child? And what if you could use a decorator that would do a good job at pleasing both of you? What if you had an accountant that you could both listen to?

I think you have to have the idea that it could be better - see what he says!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 4:24pm
You don't have to get married and don't take this the wrong way, but he hasn't proposed either. Just keep on dating like you are. You'll have a decision to make if he ever does propose, but for now it sounds like things are the way you like it.
Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 4:27am
Wow, this is going to sound weird, but it hadn't occurred to me that he may actually propose. My XH never did. We just mutually decided to get married. God, I'd be mortified if he proposed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 5:28am
Tell us more about him - how did you meet? How long have you known each other? Has he ever been married?
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Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 8:04am
Well, we met online and have been dating for about six months. He's never been married but was engaged to his last girlfriend (who was also, consequently, his first girlfriend). They were together for a year and a half before he broke it off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 10:36am

I agree with you that 6 months is too soon to decide about marriage. I think you need 1 or 2 years to be able to make a sound decision - although there are probably many exceptions to that rule.

Go with your gut instinct - if you don't feel comfortable you will have to say that and discuss the reasons why. It will probably make you stronger.

Keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 11:34am

I'd say just keep taking things one day at a time and see what happens. If he's really serious about wanting to get married, and if you really love him, then you can work out the details. But if you come to the point where you decide you would never marry him under any circumstances, break it off. It's less cruel than dragging things out.

Kelly

Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 2:20pm
The problem is that I don't want to marry *anyone* under any circumstances. In my heart I'd love to marry him. But in my had I know it will cause problems and it's not something specific about him, it would happen with anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 7:55pm

You totally have a right to how you feel. I am curious - if you don't mind me asking - have you ever been married before or did you have a bad experience that made you feel this way?

I found a link to a board for married women - and the question asked everyone what they miss about being single - it was interesting to hear what they all said - and many times it was the same things you brought up:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlhappilymar&msg=20178.1&ctx=0

I thought you and everyone here would get a kick out of reading it.

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