Do you think this is a Red Flag?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Do you think this is a Red Flag?
12
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:19am
Good morning!

So yesterday I posted about having a date on Fri. Now I see myself as someone that is cautious and someone with good intuition(usually aside from Mayas dad!;)

So I was wondering if a guy told you he "was" married and they seperated almost 2 years ago now...Does that sound like he is not divorced or did he just choose not to use that termonology? Would his friends..who seem like awesome people even try to fix up someone that is still married. They way he talked about everything it seemed evident that he was divorced but I wanted to get some more opinions. Also I know everybody heals at a different pace but would you ladies have a problem dating somebody if the seperated 1 1/2 to 2 years ago? Do you think that would be enough time for him to move on? Jenn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:27am
whoa nelly. I'd question that terminology, too.

Is there somewhere you can look it up? Our county has a website where you can look up divorces and criminal convictions.

I dated someone who called himself "divorced" when he's actually only legally separated.

In my opinion, it ain't over till it's legally over and no amount of time is going to be enough time. Just my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:28am
IMO, it might be enough time. I've been divorced almost 2 years and am about to remarry in a month. I feel as though I've gotten past my first marriage and am ready to join this man and feel confident that he's the one I need to be with.

Not everyone heals at the same pace, however, he might be okay now. I doubt his friends would set you up with a man that isn't ready to move on. The guy even said he would fix his friend up with his sister if he had one, so that should say something. I'd go ahead and go out with him and get a feel for his situation. What's the worst that could happen? You have a good time, but realize it isn't right. That's it.

Enjoy your date.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:27pm

Hi Jenn, do you mean that you haven't had a first date yet, but have been fixed up and will have a date this coming Friday?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:13pm
Mags, another possible scenario is someone who is counting from the time of separation, but has only been divorced a short time. I've run into men who think they're ready, say they "haven't been together" for a year or two...and then I find out that they were separated a year ago, but are only one month past a long nasty divorce. Which means they are SO not ready, and not over it. But they seem to think if they weren't physically together then that counts or something. In most cases it doesn't, because working through a divorce has lots of emotional turmoil of it's own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:19pm
While I generally agree - there are always exceptions.

I have a good friend whose divorce took 5 years from the date of the initial filing to the date the order was actually entered. 5 years. He had been in a serious relationship for a year by the time the order was entered - they got engaged a year later - and they'll be getting married next April.

And then there is me . . . I moved out the end of January, my divorce was final in April, I met TT in May, we were hot and heavy in love in June, pregnant in January, moved in in May, had our baby in September, and married the following August. There were a MILLION red flags waving in TT's face about me. I'm glad he acknowledged them - but also chose to continue the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:23pm
I agree and I hate it when people (not just guys) lie about their status in a relaionship. So if he's lying to her then she needs to know this.

I feel like his friends wouldn't hook her up with a guy that was not ready, however, they never have to see her again to answer to her if she chose to confront them on this.

I remember dating a man (you all know who) that wasn't yet divorced. I was confused into thinking they HAD filed and it was almost over, however, I had already dumped him by the time it was actually over. I think I might have been able to stick it out had he not allowed her to run his life. But then again, maybe I wouldn't have. At least not much longer than I did.

I made a deal that I'd never date another man that wasn't completely free. I stuck to that. It's just easier that way.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:32pm
So I listened to all of you and decided to send him a casual email kind of asking him about his status. Then I regretted I did that. But it all turned out great. He just emailed me and said, "You are so adorable to ask. And it is a legitimate question. He said, I am legally, emotionally and spiritually divorced and single in every sense of the word. He said, " I am very much looking foward to our date tommorow!" Butterflies I love this feeling! Thank you ladies and I am so glad I asked so I can feel comfortable tommorow evening! Wish me luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:36pm


*Clapping* (Family Feud Style)...GOOD Answer!

Good for him for not being offended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:36pm
I'm sooooo happy it worked out for the best. I had a feeling it was okay, but we always have to look at it from every angle. And of course, we ladies take care of each other here. Take care and enjoy your date!

WE WANT DETAILS!!

Mel

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:43pm

Well, I didn't read the other replies, so I am not sure how my opinion will sound here. But DEFINITELY that would seem to me like he chose that particular terminiology purposefully. He didn't say he was divorced. Just said he was separated.


So, going on that, yeah, I personally would have a problem dating him. If he isn't divorced, then IMO, he hasn't had the chance to move on and deal with his past and then put it there. He is STILL IN that marriage. And he'll need some time even after it's truly final (if he intends to divorce!) to heal and be capable of a relationship.

Becky

Becky

 

 

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