Does income really matter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Does income really matter?
15
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 3:42pm

I have to ask. I am curious. I really don't care what a guy makes as long as he is educated and loves what he does (OK I don't want to date the guy that works at McDonald's) My girlfriends are very adamant that income level must be high and certainly above what they make. I don't care about that. I want someone with similar interests, that is kind, loves me, good with kids. Those are my top priorities. Does that make me weird? Am I really out of the norm?

I also have lots of single mom friends that would prefer someone without kids. I think I would prefer someone that has kids. That way I could see how they interact with their children, and they would at least have an idea of what it takes to raise children. Men who are without any have no idea of the time constraints or energy that children take.

What do you all think about this?

Priscilla

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 4:01pm

I completely AGREE! The money definitely doesn't matter to me as long as he doesn't have a lot of debt and is good money. Doesn't have to have more then me, but be good about spending it wisely. I don't particularly want a man that makes much less then me, because I would like to think that one day if things were to work out, we can contribute evenly.

BUT! No, money doesn't matter and never has. I am more then comfortable making it.

And this year I have dated men without children and I have finally come to terms that I am happier to date someone who has them verses doesn't. I just feel that men without children, even holiday dad's, just don't get what parenthood is all about. However, the overboard Dad isn't my kind either. Can't anyone have a freaking balance? What is the problem with men not being able to balance things evenly? They always seem so EXTREME. Either extremely selfish or overboard parents.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 4:10pm

Income? - I wouldn't date a guy who can't support himself. A low salary would not be a dealbreaker for me as long as he is happily living within his means and not relying on others for support.

I prefer someone without kids or with kids who are older because I have no desire to ever be a step-mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 4:16pm

I think the way they value their money would be more important to me than the quantity. Personally, if you can pay your bills and have a little left over for fun stuff you're good to go. If you have someone constantly squandering it away, that would definitely get on my nerves.

As for kids, I do think someone with kids definitely has more appreciation of parenthood IF they were an ACTIVE parent, like Cat said no weekend parent stuff. We're talking round the clock. I would rather be with a man whose kids are grown as I really don't want to raise anymore. Don't get me wrong I like kids, got one of my own, but I'm getting selfish in my old age!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 4:56pm

Income itself doesn't matter to me. But how he USES the income he has- that is what matters. Just like everyone has said... it's not important to me whether he makes more than I do or not. What matters is that he is able to support himself and not living in debt or on credit. He HAS to be able to live within his means- no matter what the yearly income is- $20,000 or $120,000. If he's forever in debt, it doesn't matter HOW much he makes!

As for a man with kids or without... I've found that a man with kids has a better understanding about what it's like to be a parent. Especially if he's a full or part-time Dad, not just a montly playtime Dad. (My ex is still the monthly playtime dad, with no clue about the nitty-gritty everyday stuff.) But that doesn't mean that I won't date a man without kids. I've just found that men with kids have a better understanding. Hiker has kids that are either grown or nearly grown- and that works for me. I think I do better with that than a Dad with toddlers- because my kids are older now, and I'm not looking for being a Mom (or step-mom) to babies again! Call me selfish on that one, too.

I am aware that if Hiker and I were to get married, I'd have to be prepared to spend some time babysitting the grandkids (LOTS of babies everywhere there!) but that would still be different from being step-mom to more babies. I could handle babysitting more little ones. Just not being the PARENT of more.

But whether a man had kids or not, was not ever a criteria for whether I went on a date with them or not. That didn't matter. But whether things would develop into more... that had to be something that would work for everyone involved... and all the experience I've had is with Hiker, with his older kids. Everyone else I've dated since the divorce has not had kids or did not have any in their daily/monthly lives. So who knows??? Maybe I'd be okay with someone with a toddler too... but I just haven't dated anyone in that situation. I just don't WANT to do all that baby stuff again- and wouldn't go out LOOKING for that specifically!

Every man is different, every situation is different, IMO.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 5:30pm

For me, as a guy, I not so much concerned on how much the woman makes but her lifestyle/expectations. If she has lots of disposable income (ex. has an apt, no kids or retired, kids out of the house) and wants to travel or go out do expensive things then it's not a match for me.

I have a new mortgage, saving for retirement, and have one child in college and another to be going to college in 4 yrs plus a former spouse who gets support. I am a professional with a couple of graduate degrees and willing to spend some money (which means I am willing to go out to dinner, see a show every once in a while, spring for a weekend at the beach, etc.) but am very much aware of my finances.

Insofar as dating a woman with no kids, I want mate who understands that my priority are my children. Of course with a son starting college and a daughter starting high school living with her mom, it is not so much MY priority for them but what is my daughter's priority wanting to be with me (son is now away). This comes down to the lifestyle matching thing as mentioned before about income.

I don't mind dating a woman with kids. I think it would be a challenge in finding the time to develop a relationship if she needs to spend 90% of her free time caring for them in addition to her job and everything else that is going on in her life. So I'm not sure how much I can really get to know someone if I see her once a night every two weeks.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 5:39pm

Great question!
I grew up under the mind set where the only thing that matters is love. I STILL want to believe that but as I dicovered with my ex husband, love don't pay the bills. He was sooo bad with his money. The lack of control and our dire financial situation put major stess on our marriage. I worked hard and all the money I made was sucked up by his depts.
I agree with what has been said alread..it matters way more how they handle their money rather than how much they make.
My experience with Blue Eyes and how he handles his money has been positive. He is no millionaire. But he has a great respect for paying bills on time, and he is responsible.
I feel bad sometimes because as a single mom I have nothing to spare for when we go out. He pays for most everything and I want to be able to contribute but at this time I never have a dime to spare. Well that's a whole other topic...

Dating guys with kids does have the advantage of seeing how they interact. I think that if I was dating a guy who never had kids before, it would be hard for him to really uinderstand the dynamics, the devotion, the sacrifices.
Blue Eyes has two daughters now both out of the house and on their own. I have the advantage of hearing his advice, because he's been there and he shares his experiences with me. That perspective helps as I am raising my own DD.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 9:20pm

I expect a man be able to pay his bills, drive a vehicle (doesn't have to be new or fancy as long as its reliable), occupy a dwelling he's responsible for (pays his own rent/mortgage and not live in Mom's basement), and GO TO WORK.

I don't care if he works at McDonalds or sweeps floors or owns a chain of successful businesses, as long as it's legal and supports him and any dependants he may have.

I'm actually not comfortable with men who make a lot more than I do- I guess part of it is that I didn't grow up with money, and I was happy. I've met a few too many people who think money will and can make them happy, and see it only isolating them and making them miserable.

Besides that, a man who drives a Lexus would never want MY kids in his car!

I suppose all in all, I could be considered a reverse snob. I simply would rather live a simple life not devoted to cash or things.

So, the short answer to your question is: yes. But not the way it matters to most people.

As for men with and without kids... i'm on the fence. I've casually dated single fathers, and find them to be just as lacking as some of the men I've dated without kids. I think the key is finding the right fit for you and your family without ruling anyone out based on the size of his family.

Moody, who's waiting for payday


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 11:15pm

{'Can't anyone have a freaking balance? What is the problem with men not being able to balance things evenly"}

This what my question ... "where is the balance?"

I throw my hands up. Men with money are overly confident. Men without money claim they don't care if the woman makes more money, but then they throw it up in your face constantly. Men without kids, don't get. Holiday dads, as Myprecioustwo calls them, are deadbeat, and men who takes pride in their kids, tend to be the ultimate extreme dad.

So where do women fit in any of these equations ... my answer. It all depends on how desperate a woman wants a man. Some will tolerate the madness. Some will complain but continue for the sake of having a man, and the rest of us ... say "WHATEVA!" I will just keep trying until I find the one I think I can tolerate (SMILE).

So, back to the original questions. To some degree $$$ does play a factor. I'm 38 y/o so a man has to make more than my 18 y/o son. Does a man have to have kids, yes ... but there has to be some balance in his life.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 1:00am

I have dated when I was unemployed. I am upfront about it and we did not do a lot of things that involved money but I have had nice relationships.

I was always looking for work when I have been unemployed. Here in Oregon with the highest unemployment rate in the country for several year, it was extremely hard to find ANY work much less work that I was qualified in (I was/am in technology with two Master's degrees). I drew a line with jobs that involved standing up for long periods of time because of my back which took me out of almost every minimum wage job.

All the women I dated were more concerned that I was happy being unemployed aka being a deadbeat more so than my income. I always had my own place and paid my support during those painful periods.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 7:48am

a) has a job he loves and is settled in that job and it doesn't dictate his whole life - meaning his cell phone is not attached at his ear during dinner, he is not traveling excessively, not wanting to start a risky business, not looking to change careers, and certainly NOT in something that would bring about a transfer out of this area

b) can live within his means - not be in excessive debt

c) willing to spend on the things he loves and save on the things that are not that important - meaning he can prioritize and not spend too much all the time or be a miser frugal all the time

d) there is harmony between us on money - not that he makes so much more that he feels he owns me or he makes so much less he has to ride the bus - i would imagine this to be a sort of bell curve - of less and more that are in an acceptable range

I have dated men who were VERY rich and those were perhaps my worst relationships because they didn't have a respect for me and my career/interests and it was clear that money ruled their lives and sort of gave them a "prick license" so to speak - meaning they didn't treat everyone around them all that well. But I have also dated someone who was so poor he didn't believe he should pay taxes. That was not good either.

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