Does your fam. understand/support you?
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| Thu, 04-10-2008 - 1:14pm |
Well, my mom got into town last night. By nature she is a control freak, neat freak, and can get really anxious sometimes. As I was growing up, I was taught that it was best to bend over backwards to please her. If I ever needed anything from her I was made to feel pretty guilty. It was kind of a "take care of mom" childhood in many ways. Her way was law or else deal with emotional blackmail. Not always- I mean sometimes she can be really fun and laid back.
So last night was the first time she saw my place as a single mom, my own apartment. In the past, when I lived with my ex, I would bend over backwards, cleaning and organizing for days ahead of her visits, so she would "approve". I found that this time- with everything I've gone through with the divorce, working overtime and extra to provide for DD, and with the emotional overload from issues with BE, I just did not feel like breaking my back over her visit.
I don't have a lot of money, so upon her arrival my fridge was not stocked, and I own things that are hand-me-downs or yard sale things, like some of my furniture. I struggle but at least I make it, and I am proud of myself for making it. The thing is that I can sense her disapproval-- my second hand things, my dis-array and housecleaning which is not anal and sterile like it used to be when I was married. (more to her liking).
My mom's

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My case is a little off.
I am very lucky!
April
Hugs, Pacific! That must be tough, to feel like you are having to live up to HER standards and catching flack if you aren't. Your life is not HER life!!!!! Have you ever heard of that book that Oprah is making a huge deal of right now? A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle... I've been reading it and it's been really cool. A whole new way to look at things, and increase your spirit. But what you wrote in your post about your mom reminded me of the stuff Tolle writes, about how people can get caught up in the ego and having to be the Role of Mom (or dad, or whatever other roles) and so like in your Mom's case... she is still wanting to have control over you as if you were still a small child. She thinks that if she doesn't keep on top of you (in her Role of Mom, as she knows it)- then she is failing as Mom and so she just keeps on doing it- the controlling thing and the guilt thing, if she finds that you are not doing what she wants and making her look good as a mom who "raised you right". If you don't do "right" (in her eyes)- then she takes that on as HER problem, when really... she needs to realize that you are an adult now, and that whatever you do- doesn't take away from her as a person (or as your mom in the past). She can still be a decent mom even if you make mistakes in your life.
My parents were really supportive of me through the divorce (in-laws, too) because they all know what my ex is like. And now that the dust has settled, they are all still supportive and I'm glad that no one ever had to "take sides" and no one ended up cut off from the family connections. I wish your mom would realize the importance of that support- as I know I really appreciate it from my parents. Simple support and acceptance. Such basic things!!!
Hugs, Pacific!!! But try not to let your mom get to you. Just know that it's her ego doing it, and try not to take it personally. You know you are doing a great job as a mom and that you are doing well on your own! She's just going to be difficult to please... and it's not your job to please her in this case.
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
My couches don't match--DD bed is from my cousin, DS's was mine as a kid--my bed was new--12 years ago!!
She can still be a decent mom even if you make mistakes in your life.
So true!!! My mom has always seen my and my success or failures as a direct reflection of her. I learned to detach a bit several years ago and so this time it was kind of expected yet less hurtful. More of an observation...you know? I USED to wig out about her disapprovals, but these days I feel more sad that she just does not let her gaurd down and love me and have total acceptance (because I really AM OK!!) of me...it would be nice to have that kind of relationship like two grown people who can discuss things. Who knows, maybe with time, but if not I am still OK- inside I know I am doing the best I can...and surviving!! :o)
I'll have to check out that book "New Earth". It sounds really good. I'm happy that your parents have been so understanding and accepting! Do they live near you?
It's good that you do have the support! It sounds to me that your mom and her husband might be coming around and tha tis nice, if at least for the sake of the kiddos! And really great that you have your dad and grandmother!!
I'm not letting my mom bring me down like she used to. I'm just too tired of that..and I really have toughed up my skin quite a bit around her. I'm careful and walk a fine line with her visits- I am polite and will always be a good hostess and welcome her. Bit I just don't let her judgements squash me anymore. Not that she even conscioulsly tries to do that- but even still I can let things roll off better these days.
One thing I learned immedietly after the ex and I separated is how much my parents love me.
I used to live 8 hrs away from my parents when I was married, but once divorced, the plan was to move back to my hometown right away! I knew I would
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
He knows that we are both okay people- just not okay for each other!
What a great dad, Shrimpy! It's nice he's not jaded about your ex- I am sure that makes things nicer and better for you and your kids. he sounds very open minded, understanding and supportive. That's wonderful! I'm sorry it had slipped my mind that you mom passed away last year. It's wonderful that your dad is in your life in such a great way :o)
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