Doin' The Happy Dance :)

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Doin' The Happy Dance :)
9
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 11:33pm

My little brother is getting married this weekend - out of town too (what a pain - 2.5 hour away) and usually Jack would be out of town with his family but this year it was up in the air because of the divorce. Well, I found out as he reluctantly told me that he would be in town on Saturday but had a family thing to do with his mom (the MOTHER again - I have nothing against her just his attachment issue) He is all afraid she will feel abandoned and depressed blablabla. I do understand that this year is strange and she may feel alone and things and it is sweet he wants to be with her and what am I supposed to say "dang you I am nore important!" I did tell him that I wished my feelings and the things that were important to me did matter as much as his mother. So I didn't wimp out but I also don't want to be demanding and cold. Well, we were trying to work it where he would go there and then come to the reception maybe a little late...but that wasn't looking good either. He seemed excited and even talked about what we were wearing. I was happy he would come at all and i thought that was a fair compromise but then we looked at the miles and time....it just wasn't going to work. So he said he was so sorry and we got off the phone because I was too sad and he knew it.

Well, 5 minutes later he calls back and sayd "Do you want me to really try to make this work so I can be there? i am trying to get a hold of my mom but she hasn't called back" Within minutes she did and he went to take the call. A half hour later he calls back to tell me that he is having dinner with his mom on Friday when he gets back from his dad's family thing in Ohio and Saturday he is coming with me ALL THE WAY!!!!!!! I am so happy! I know this is only a step and we talked about that. I said that I am just thrilled he is coming and we will have a good time and just leave it at that! I don't want any heavy conversation at my brother's wedding and we don't need to talk any more about it. He will either make a solid decision one way or the other or I will get sick of waiting and the BS that can come with that. Right now none of these things are happening so what is there to say? Let's just enjoy today!

So I am so happy! If he didn't come I would have all my busy-body relatives asking me where he was all night and that would have stunk. Now I can have a great night and not have to drive either LOL!

WWOOOHOOOO~

Laura

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 8:38am

Hi Laura,
I'm glad Jack will be coming, but it doesn't sound from your writing that you are AT ALL taking it easy. You just had your first date, which is great that you had a good time, but now you're starting to get ideas in your head a real serious commited relationship with Jack again. That doesn'T sound like taking it slow, because you wrote:

"it is sweet he wants to be with her and what am I supposed to say "dang you I am nore important!" I did tell him that I wished my feelings and the things that were important to me did matter as much as his mother."

It sounds to me as if your wigging again and that you are giving the whiney guilt trip to him again. Laura, that isn't going to help you down the line, if you can't see his shortcomings and accept them (which you said you did in your previous post). You know he has them, you admit it, so either deal with it or get out.
Try to sit back and relax. Otherwise, the circle will close again. Am I confused, or maybe it's just me. Does someone else see this?

Don't swallow this wrong. Like everyone else noted, if you aren't over him and you can learn to deal with everything, then fine. Good for you! I'm really happy for you. You deserve to do what makes you happy.

-Catherine

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:09am

Confused confused confused...


WHY would "busy body friends" wonder where he was all night? Didn't you TELL them you broke up with him? C


WHY would you have a problem with him hanging out with his mom when you have NO FIRM COMMITEMENT from him? I don't get that. You aren't more important. And you shouldn't be placed in the more important spot. Family SHOULD be more important. Aren't you glad she is? You should not put pressure on him to place you in a higher position than you are in.


I always had trouble with J's mom. But not because he made her important. It was because she was and IS a manipulator and actively did things that would strain our relationship (comments made. confidences broken. even

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:12am

No Catherine, you weren't the only one to "see it". I guess I figured I'd be the only "bucket of cold water"


Laura, honey, I am awfully sorry we didn't jump up and down with you. I know you just want all to go well and you want your dreams to come true. But life isn't a fairy tale and sometimes you have to make your own dreams come true. And that means walking away from something you really want sometimes, because in spite of all of your pushing and working it's just not going to happen.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:45am

My feeling is, you're going to DO this Jack thing or you're NOT. If you're commited to sticking this out, you need to stop talking and acting like you're going to dump it. I know there are some aspects of your relationship to Jack that you like, and some that you have a VERY hard time dealing with. Threatening Jack with "I'm not going to do this" is manipulative. Either you're with him, for whatever kind of treatment/relationship that means, or you're not. You need to make a choice and stick to your guns. Set your rules (some of which I know you want to do to protect Alyse, like not so much contact with Jack) and stick with them.

I would not want to be with someone I had to push/pull so hard with as you have with Jack. Life is too complicated as it is. I've had some relationships that were like pulling teeth, but they didn't last more than a month or two.

When people come to the bulletin board and ask for help in making a decision, that's great. I've seen a lot of people work through things here and get on with the next issue in life.

What is hard for me to deal with (and I'm with Beck in the not being sure I even want to say what I think about this any more) is that you're off Jack, then on Jack, then off Jack, then...you're taking a break and just being friends BUT you have great expectations of things "working out". You keep contradicting yourself. And if someone doesn't agree with what you're feeling that week, it ticks you off. IF I agree with you one week, then I would have to contradict myself to agree with you the next week, and that's something I try very hard NOT to do. So, when I agree with you that it's a good idea to let Jack go, move on, not have contact with him any more....don't expect me to join you in a happy dance or to even AGREE with you when you decide it's ON again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 12:50pm

You know Laura, if I were your friend, and I lived near you, I would seriously grab you by the shoulders and shake you and ask you "what are you doing?"

I'm thinking back to last Christmas, and thinking "here we go again."

Same thing, different year.

And I absolutely cannot fathom given everything Alyse has gone through that you are going to have him around her yet again.

Shaking my head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:28pm

It is my relatives - the ones that I don't see hardly ever. He went to my family reunion with me and everyone saw us really together and being wonderful with each other. You have to also remember that I have 2 failed marriages...you know I am the one they talk about, wisper about etc. Espcially my one Aunt - she is an ULTRA busy body. It isn't that it is a secret - it is just I didn't want to have to tell everyone over and over all night at my little brothers wedding what was up with me because I want to have fun and also the night is about him - not my gossip. Does all that make sense? My family doesn't talk to each other that much (extended) and also...this is dumb because it is a pride thing...but my first husband's cousin is married to my cousin so all the BS gets back to him.

I know this sounds all very high school but that is why I wish to avoid it.

I know that his mom is important and more important than me at this time especially. I have been very supportive of all Jack's time and concern. I also know this doesn't mean we are back together. In fact we specifically talked about it. He still is not at a place to focus on a committed relationship and I understand that. Honestly - I am just excited about getting dressed up and having a wonderful evening. I understand that things look different to you than they do to me. And there is something beneficial about being an outsider but there is also something beneficial about being around me and us IRL. My friends have a different opinion than you and they would tell me - they always have - the truth. But I know that it could not work out. I think it could as well. I will just ahve to play this hand until it is over for ME.

But like I DID say in my post. I am takin gthis one day at a time and right now I am glad that he worked things out to please both his mom and me. I would LOVE to be more help with his mother. I would love to spend time with her and be her friend and maybe someday that can happen but not right now. My only issue is sometimes he tries TOO hard to ensure she is OK. I mean she is an adult right? If he hadn't decided to go with me I would have been sad yes but I would have understood - even if I didn't like it. I knew he wanted to be there and that was OK.

You also must realize that this is a life pattern for me - always being the one left out. I am always second to someone so it is a sore spot.

Also - I am not whiney. When I tell him how I feel I say it matter of factly. I don't see what is wrong with stating to him my take on the situation so he can see my side of it and why I may be feeling sad or left out.

Laura

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:34pm

I am just excited about getting dressed up and having a wonderful evening... I totally understand that and I am excited WITH you for you! How fun. I hope you have a great time!


Play your hand till it's done for you Laura. Just don't drag your baby girl into it. She's more fragile than you are, and what you do and put her through WILL have ramifications later. You've already seen some of it. Have your fun. But please, try to keep her out of it.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 2:13pm

I wanted to clarify for all you - Alyse is not invited to the wedding. No kids allowed. She is spending the entire weekend with my best friend. I was originally going to posts this under the "shaking head" post but this will do. thanks - It is in a hotel and everyone has rooms so we can have a great time and not have to drive anywhere after that so it will be nice. My family has planned a nice big breakfast the next morning too. I really do need to go though. - please see my above post.

take care - a appreciate the well wishes. Have a nice Holiday

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 2:14pm
FYI she isn't invited to the wedding and will be with my BF all weekend. Thanks