doing some rational thinking...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
doing some rational thinking...
35
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 6:57pm

so... praise Jesus I've managed to stay afloat emotionally... what a rollercoaster the last few weeks have been. I will count it all as joy! I prayed my way thru this weekend after getting the peculiar email from MM.


I reread Pac's article on "When Men Pull Back"... and it reminds me to do some thinking of my own.... I'm thankful MM hasn't just ghosted, and i haven't gone stalker pscycho either... (the calming prayers and positive thoughts from you all have helped, I'm sure). taking it one day at a time.


I

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 9:41pm

Loony,


You certainly are considering all angles aren't you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 10:15pm

lol... and i thought i was doing rational thinking.. lol.. somehow i knew that didn't seem possible in one sentence "loonybunny is doing rational thinking"...lol


and of course i don't think he'll ask me to marry him... but the idea of children has come up for him... i've heard men at a certain age won't date a woman for long if he can't see having children with her (if that's what he wants, etc or if she's not marraige material)... I think i keep talking him out of trying to look too far in the future or worry about things that we don't even know about... But i've been feeling over the weekend that i deserve to be with someone that i don't have to convince... then i probably wouldn't feel as though the other shoe were about to drop etc.


I told him that i only think one day at a time and can drive myself crazy if i try to predict further into the future or worry about the future.. he's the one saying "i can

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 10:29pm

"that i deserve to be with someone that i don't have to convince..."

Is that why you're feeling crazy- you feel like you're just having to convince him to be with you?

Winter Alison

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 10:48pm

i guess it's time for me to spell that out to him


No Loony, i DONT think its time. How long have you been dating?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 11:03pm

thanks for the advice and concern...


yes, he was the one who brought up babies. about two weeks ago, the night he said "i know that i love you" and i felt all freakish because i wasn't expecint the "L" word. He also said but he wants to have babies of his own. have i ever wanted children. what do i eventually want in a relationship.. etc. etc. He brought all that up...


Now, i thought the "love" word was meant as a security for me... and that he's been waiting all this time for me to say it back.. i thought all was wonderful.


So (in case you missed the other thread)... i sent him an email describing how i felt. And it was a doosy but when i reread it, it's a very good love letter.


so anyway, his response was "i'm speechless"... and here i thought he'd be joyful and say "i love youtoo".. but he didn't say that so... instead he said he needed time to process and wanted to "talk" afterwards. So all weekend i've been patient... (very patient for loony)... i've been giving him his space. although considering what could he want to talk about??


i reread that article "when men pull back" and answering the questioned in that article.. etc... coming to realize yes, my children are the priority and i shouldn't invest too much time in someone if he says... oh but i could never love your children, i only want my own.. he doesnt' seem that type at all... so i haven't brought up the subject yet.. but if he brings up babies than i should bring up my children.


Thank you for the advice... i will let him direct the conversation and talk about what it is he's been hinting at.


loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 12:59am
They've been exclusive since about mid December...
Winter Alison

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 1:21am

actually we've been exclusive since Halloween... he just didn't have the talk til i brought up the conversation in Dec. Something else to keep in mind... he's a capricorn and they don't enter relationships unless they know where things are headed (ie the future)...


convince him? yes, i sorta feel that way because of the above trait and i said.. let's not think about the future, let's just enjoy things one day at a time... he was like, okay but i don't normally do it that way... said he normally talks himself out of dating or relationships because he thinks too far into the future and figures things won't work out so why bother... i'm the more playful optimistic one.


he busts out with "love" and knowing he wouldn't say that lightly... i fall quicker in love with him... i guess feeling like he already said, "i'll catch you so go ahead... "


so imagine my confusion when instead he says something like... "i realized i'm in love with you. you say you love me. now, we need to talk about

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 8:18am

Loony, why dont you both just see where this goes and not even think about the future? Just enjoy the here and now and not let the future worry you. I mean its still a young relationship and there's a lot to enjoy about each other without worry about what 'might' happen next.

I think your past relationships are haunting you into worrying about what might happen with this one now.

This is how I am taking my relationship with EMT. I dont know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I dont even know if I ever want to get married or even live with a man again. But I know that I like hanging out with him now and we have a good time together so thats what we do. No future worries for me.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 10:26am
Definately have this crucial conversation!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 10:54am
I agree with Isys. Yes, it is a bit soon to have this conversation but the children will always be here and your feelings will only grow. Attachments will grow deeper and this issue over whether he could be there for the kids as an important role model is a crucial one. Truly some guys welcome this opportunity and see everything they would gain from being in childrens lives and others shy away.
When I was at the three or four month mark with SYB he said he couldnt really proceed and know how he felt about me or us until he met my son. He had never dated a single mom and he knew if we fell deeper and deeper for one another, he would need to take on my son almost as if he were his. I was terrified since I had never introduced anyone to DS ever and I had been single for 6 years at this point!! But in my heart I knew that SYB was here to stay in some important capacity. I couldnt trust my gut enough to say he was "the one" but I knew he was wonderful and I knew it would never hurt my DS to meet him. So we did. I think meeting my son was more about him just putting a face to the name and seeing that I was this multi faceted person - it was hard for him to reconcile that I was this single woman, young and funny and creative and sensual but I was also a MOM. He needed to wrap his head around it and see where he would fit in. And then we talked about what it would mean for him to be with us and what I longed for in my life in terms of companionship and what DS needed or deserved in terms of a male role model in the house. It was a turning point for us. He told me he loved me shortly after. It was a year and a half almost two years before he moved in and it was yesterday he proposed so in some ways we still took our time but we covered our wants and needs early. Some guys cant just picture themselves in a kid's life and trust it will be ok. They need to have the opportunity to spend snippets of time with them, get to know them, see you being the mother you are and absorb the whole picture. But first, I think you have the right to ask them if they are willing to be in a childs life, if they would welcome it and be fluid with all that that might involve ( from tears and tantrums to sweet after bath hugs and kisses) because if things go well, that is where you would want things to head. Assuming that is true of course.
I guess to me, if you want the "whole hog" so to speak, it is best to make sure the person you are dating is open to the whole hog concept as well. Otherwise you can love each other to pieces but one of you will be having to adapt to the other's picture of a future together.
The other thing that comes to mind is that for me, it was very important for me to hear that he was happy to picture all of us together should things work out. He really welcomed it. His heart was in it and if WE didnt work out, well that would have been the end but the picture of all of us together was a happy one for him. I didnt have to convince him that he could be a stepdad. He had never pictured himself with a single mom before me but his parents had both been married with children before he and his sisters were born so he understood that he wouldnt be here if his folks had not been open to being stepparents. This was important to me because if I ever had the feeling I was trying to convince him it would have been difficult in some of DS's less, shall we say, desirable moments. Kids can be a dream or a nightmare depending on the hour and sometimes it seems it is only by our biological connection that we get through the tantrums, or meltdowns of each day. Other times, anyone would love to have our kids. I didnt want to feel as if my kid was on a constant reality show audition for SYB to be with us. I needed to be able to relax and lean on SYB for support if we had a bad day but not think that he was one foot out the door with exasperation wondering what he had signed on for.
Lilypie - Personal picture

Pages