Donna Darlin.......
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Donna Darlin.......
| Wed, 12-01-2004 - 7:43am |
I think those migraines are coming from some serious stress! Look, your heading into the Holiday Season again, with the same dreaded scenario of your family.(( BTW, your big sister, the drama queen, reminds me of my mom. My mom acts like SHE WAS divorced from my X, or that SHE IS the one going through a break up when it's me.)) When I was still married, my X and I had some serious money problems, because he couldn't hold it together. They caused such bad migraines that I had to be sent to the emergency room for yacking and going through seizures. They had to give me shots for it to end. It was AWFUL, a torture I never felt before. The headaches and migraines went away when I divorced. LOL Only now, a week before my period, when I am upset about something and my hormones are raging to I get headaches, but I think it's because of stress. Not mega stress to set off a migraine, but enough to cause a headache. This whole thing with your dad is really bad and the whole thing with your sister. If your little sister can't make it then screw it. I wouldn't change plans for HER. Can't you have your own Christmas? Maybe something that you can make with your older sister and invite your dad. I know you put those things behind you, but come on, it still hurts and I know I am still hurt and angry at my XH for what he did to me with that awful woman, but this is YOUR sister. You could blow away easier and get over your X Boyfriend and move on, but because she was the other woman, you are stuck and do have to see her and it's just sad. sad, sad, sad. This might seem off, but: I dated a guy (alex's father Scott actually)that once dated my best friend (I was 17 at the time) for a few weeks and broke up with her the year prior to when I met started dating him, even tho we knew each other years prior. I knew she still had a crush on him, but I didn't think it would be a big deal because it was over and heck, it was over. But! It nearly killed her, literally. After that, I swore I never ever would date an X of a friend again.
How long has it been now? Have you two been able to seriously talk? What else is stressing you out? Is Paul gone from your life now? Are you dating at all? Are the kids ok Health/School/etc? How are you doing financially? Make a list and go over it. I think a lot of these things are hard to deal with when the holidays come around. I know I want a holiday romance. I would love that. It's so nice to get a gift from a man you love. I don't know the last time I got a gift from a man for birthday, christmas or valentines. They seem to break up before they have to spend any money on me. LOL.
Yes, go see a doctor and see what she says, but try to write down the things that go through your mind. It'll help a lot to see what you wrote and go through ways of how you may be able to change it. DANG GIRL, in 18 months I'll be over. Grab the kids and move down to Texas to me and we'll get a big house and raise our kids together. That'll solve the companionship and wanting a big house of our own. LOL.
How long has it been now? Have you two been able to seriously talk? What else is stressing you out? Is Paul gone from your life now? Are you dating at all? Are the kids ok Health/School/etc? How are you doing financially? Make a list and go over it. I think a lot of these things are hard to deal with when the holidays come around. I know I want a holiday romance. I would love that. It's so nice to get a gift from a man you love. I don't know the last time I got a gift from a man for birthday, christmas or valentines. They seem to break up before they have to spend any money on me. LOL.
Yes, go see a doctor and see what she says, but try to write down the things that go through your mind. It'll help a lot to see what you wrote and go through ways of how you may be able to change it. DANG GIRL, in 18 months I'll be over. Grab the kids and move down to Texas to me and we'll get a big house and raise our kids together. That'll solve the companionship and wanting a big house of our own. LOL.

Catherine:
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I haven't been around the board much this week because I haven't been feeling well -- a migraine that lasted 6 days. Thanks for your post. You are so sweet. It's amazing. You don't even know my family, but you described them so perfectly. You're right, had all this mess not involved my little sister, I probably would be well over it by now. But coming from a sister that you were best friends with is hard to get over. It's been 3 years since she ran off with my exbf. She married him, and they have a daughter together. She's been pretty much excommunicated from the family except my parents, but with my mom's illness, dad is pushing everyone together. I've accepted that part because I know as long as dad is alive, he's going to try for us to be friends again. What gets me is that dad or sis or anyone else in my family do not understand what all that did to me, and I don't think they ever will. I can't just forget it and be best friends again. I just can't do it. I am 100% better than I was three years ago, but, like you said, the hurt is still there. No, I haven't sat down and talked to little sis since all this mess started, except for her recent phone call to me about my dad's b-day party. My exbf wanted to sit down and talk years ago, but I didn't see any point. The problem here is two sides of a story; exbf told me one story and told sis another story. If ex ever got pinned down as to what story was true, he would have to side with his wife because she would be standing in front of him, and really, what's the point. There are 3 people who know the honest truth about what happened: me, my exbf and God. And I can look myself in the mirror every day and know that I was not the cause of any of this mess. I don't think exbf can do the same. When little sis called to talk about my dad's b-day party, she put exbf on the phone. We talked for about 15 minutes. He apolgized up and down and he said he didn't mean to hurt me and he said I was soooo good to him and the reason we weren't together was 95% his fault. Whether he's full of BS or not, I'm taking the apology and running. I finally feel vindicated that he admitted fault in this thing, something he would never do before. The best way for me to deal with them is to not see them. But if I have to, like at a family gathering, I'm civil, but not overly sociable. And that's just going to have to do. Bottom line is they were not nice people, nor are they now, nor will they ever be. And I'd rather not be friends with nasty people.
I feel the same way you do about a holiday romance. And I've never really had any man lavish me with gifts for any occasion, but that sure would be nice.
It's funny that you mentioned writing things down. When I woke up today, I was feeling very overwhelmed, and I told myself that I needed to write a list of things I needed to do and prioritize them to ease my stress. Finances are a bit tight, but the worst is over because I just paid my homeowners' taxes and a deposit on my spring break trip. The kids are healthy. For about a week and a half, school was better, but it's getting bad again; homework til 9:30. That is a major cause of stress for me right now. I have parent/teacher conferences next week, so we'll see what can be done about that situation.
The bottom line is, I suffer from depression, and I have since high school. But it's not like a cold that will eventually go away. It doesn't go away; it's a constant struggle. And for some reason, this time of year is ALWAYS hard for me. Then you add on added responsibilities like decorations and shopping, I get overwhelmed, and that causes instant stress for me. I'm trying to give this my all, because my kids are really into it. On the outside, I'm fine; but on the inside, I'm struggling. I've taken some steps to try to help, like I've scheduled extra counseling sessions, and I'm extra careful to not miss any medication. I'll get through this; I do every year.
To answer your question about my dating situation, I'm not actively dating anyone right now. I just don't have that many opportunities or get many offers. I did something kind of stupid last week, which added to my stress, and I've decided not to do that again any time soon. Here's what I did. Over the last couple of months, I had been looking for a single mothers' club that I could join. I had found a website that has information and support for single moms. They also have personal ads. I saw one I liked, but just let it go. After Thanksgiving, and with the encouragement of one of my sisters, I decided to send an e-mail response. I didn't even really want to send the e-mail, but my sister really wanted me to. She said I had nothing to lose. I just feel dumb because I didn't get a response back. I've decided to wait until I get a computer in my house before I seriously try on-line dating, if ever.
As for Paul, that situation is a strange one. He apologized to me for how he acted on the phone, and I thought that would be it. He still calls me because he still wants to be friends. The wierd part is that I enjoy talking to him and I do like him, as a friend. When he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, I took it as a total rejection. My counselor said he wasn't rejecting me, he just isn't ready for a serious relationship -- that's a reflection on him -- and that it has nothing to do with me, personally. (My biggest problem is that I internalize everything, and I am very hard on myself). She said that as long as we get along and I have no expectations other than a friendship, that it would be ok to be his friend. I know I'm ok with talking to him on the phone. He's asked me out twice, and I keep saying no. Last night he asked me to see "National Treasure" with him tomorrow. He gets blue around the holidays too, and he thought we could see this movie and forget about the holidays for 2 hours. I haven't known him that long and it's not like I'm "head over heels" for this guy, so I think I could probably manage a friendship. I need to do something fun other than sit in my house, so I said I would go. And if things are uncomfortable for me, I just won't do it again. Admittedly, I have some of my own work to do. I haven't had a lot of dating experience, and I seem to look at every person I date as a potential long-term relationship, which I should not do. With all the stress I have now, and with the holidays coming, I'm really better off solo right now.
I doubt that I'll ever move to Texas, but thanks for the offer. That would be a blast. But you better believe that I'll come and visit. I've never been to Texas before.
Donna
Hey Donna,
I am glad you posted your update - I was wondering how you are doing. I am sorry that the holidays are hard for you. But your voice sounds good here - you are looking at everything realistically and soldiering on.
The homework thing is a bug - I feel like we have been on a homework marathon all week. The thing that burns me the most is the silly word search puzzles and such - mindless busy work that doesn't really teach anything.
I am glad that you are getting out of the house. It is good that you are going to go with Paul to the movies. I think that will help you realize that it isn't you - it is him - and now you can be friends. Please report how all that goes.
You even sound good about the family stuff. All that was so hard. Family is important and somehow everything comes out even in the end. Someday you will see it that way. Maybe it is because you are going to have someone much better than your exbf someday. I just know you will.
God bless!