Don't Know What To Do!?!
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| Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:39am |
I've been dating my BF for 1 week shy of 3 months and we're having a good time. My children know him and he's pretty good accepting my boys and understanding my 'single mother situation'. He tells me that he loves me constantly and that I'm everything to him and I've also said that I love him, but I can't seem to think that I could have it better. This is what I mean by 'having it better'. There are certain things that I adore about him, like that he's affectionate, our love making is the best!, he takes care of himself physically, we make each other laugh, he helps me with my boys (babysits, picks them up for me, etc...)
Here are some things that I simply don't like and to be honest, I don't feel like telling him and hoping that he will change, because I think that he won't.
1) He doesnt' pick up after himself, I feel like I have 3 sons. He doesn't help me when I cook, doesn't help me pick up the house. I have to ask him to do little things, like take out the trash, he'll do it, but I hate that I even have to ask.
2) He spends the night over at least 4 times a week and he never gives me a couple of dollars to buy food or paper products. Although if I ask him to pick up something before he comes over, he will and doesn't fuss about it, BUT I hate the fact that I even have to ask.
3) He never invites me out with him and his friends. That actually hurts my feelings, he spoke about it once, and that was it, I refuse to MAKE my boyfriend meet his friends or family. We really don't get into that one much either, because he spends a lot of time with me and goes out with the boys maybe once a week if that.
4) I have always been the kind of person who is quite generous with my time and my money. If I come into some money, I want to take everyone out to eat or do something with my family. My BF isn't stingy, because he has definitely taken me out to some very nice, expensive restaurants and has taken the boys and I to a major league baseball game that was pretty expensive. My thing is this, it doesn't have to cost a lot, just saying "Hey babe, get the boys together and lets go out for ice cream" would mean a lot to me. It seems like I have to initiate mostly everything.
These are just a few things that I don't like in my relationship. I am ready to settle down and get married soon, I'm 30, he's 26, I don't think that we are on the same level all the time, even though we have a lot of fun together. Lately, I 'm not having so much fun and the 3 month mark is 4 days away. I'm torn between breaking up with him now to eliviate any more time and energy put into this, or sitting down and talking to him about my hopes and dreams about my future. Please take into consideration that we are both in the military and he is leaving to the East Coast in November. I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him into anything before he leaves. I do love him, but these things that I've mentioned are not helping my love deepen for him, instead I'm pushing back. Please help!!!

My opinion is that you have to communicate better on all of these issues. Men need to be told exactly what to do - otherwise they take the path of least resistance. Some are just better than others. And some of this might be his age.
I wouldn't bring all of this up at once - it might make him defensive. But you can do better as you go to "train him" to help better - and see what he does about this.
No one person is perfect - it sounds like he loves you and is into your kids. Why don't you have a "where do you see us going" conversation - and then just see how everything goes.
The grass is not always greener on the other side. And perhaps he does nice things for you and the kids to show affection?
This doesn't sound like a good situation at all. You've been dating for a little under 3 months and you're already having some serious problems. He's staying at your place 4 nights a week and doesn't take you out much. Not taking you out with his friends, is a very bad sign.
Staying in your house, not picking up after himself, sounds extremely immature. Older men, generally, pick up around the house. They do eventually learn how to do this if they aren't married.
He's 26, no kids? He's moving to the East Coast. Not mixing you in with his friends. Not really taking you anywhere. He's not treating you "bad", but he's not being good either. Sounds like he's going with the flow, not thinking long-term, and will disappear from your life after he moves.
I agree.
And I also have to say - 3 months in is simply too soon for all of this stuff. It's time to get to know each other, not play house. And way too much involvement and interaction with your kids - especially since you KNOW he's moving to the East Coast and is only a temporary fixture in their lives.
You should be DATING each other, getting to know each other, not living together over half of the time and expecting him to clean up, help out, and pitch in with groceries and paper products.
Let this one go.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Sounds to me like YOU'RE just not that into him and you should end it. I'm sure it's nice to have a guy around, but is he just around so you can say you have a guy? You said yourself that you could do better, so DO IT!
If you aren't comfortable enough with the guy to say, "hey, you've been staying here a lot, can I get some money for food?" then why are you letting him eat there. You have kids to feed, and you need to ensure there's enough for them. Feeding a grown man who can chip in some cash but doesn't is only going to deplete your pocketbook.
I hope that you sit down with yourself and look at the situation from the outside. Yes, he's good in bed, but you want someone you could settle down with. He's younger than you, and he's happy with the way things are now- will he want to be more serious? And to be a successful couple, you have to be able to talk and compromise on every subject- even if you feel like you're nagging.
So maybe you should end it and be open to that guy who WILL be everything you're looking for.
Alison
The things you mentioned are things that would make a marriage irritating, at least. And you're right, he's probably not going to change much.
He lets you take the lead relationship wise, which would drive me crazy.
You initiate the fun stuff, not cool.
A guy who is 30 and doesn't pick up after himself is looking for a maid, tell him to hire you one.
And if he's "living" there a few nights a week, yep he should be thinking about the cost for you.
I agree with what you say, that you're not on the same page as far as what you want. You want more of an equal partner maybe?
Just my two cents.
My ex was raised by a single mother. She had a series of serious and live in bf's while her children were growing up. I think some of his issues today stem from the fact he would get attached to these men and the one day they would just be gone from his life. He felt good when they paid attention to him, he viewed them as adult role models, and when they left they were not just breaking up with his mom, they were abandoning him.
The flip side of the coin is my mother, who didn't date much and always kept it far away from my sister and I. Although we didn't have any issues when her relationships ended, my therapist says I might have missed out on something by never having a male role model around. I think he's right about that.
I do think they lesson your children might be learning is that a man can show up, have someone else feed him and pick up after him, and then he can just disappear whenever he wants. They aren't learning personal responsibility, they are learning how to take advantage. Ultimately you know the situation the best, and whether this relationship is in your children's best interests is for you to decide.
I gotta agree with everyone else...
Time to cut the line and let this one go....don't bother to retrieve the hook.
Welllll, if I remember this is also the guy that you were getting way to serious about from the start. Right? You were already thinking long term before it even started. Though I agree to what most of the women are saying. I do have to say, that he does seem to be doing other things that make you happy. You need to weigh those things, but also like Sunshinemin said, you should not be in this sort of playing house situation. You should be going out and getting to know each other. He shouldn't be spending 4 nights a week at your place unless he seriously wants a commitment and starts discussing what will happen in 6 months. I doubt that is what he wants to do and what you want to do. We talked about the whole "being stationed" away from one another and you did mention that he isn't one to really go into a commmitment (if I remember right). He is 4 yrs younger, but that doesn't make a difference. I have known men 10yrs younger then myself and they were on the same page and I have met men 10yrs older then myself, that were just still children.
You have some serious heart and soul searching to do. AND until you do it, keep the kids away from all of this. This wíll be soooooooo hurtful to them. I still consider that 3 months is way tooo soon to think commitment, but that is just my two cents. You tend to know someone alot more when the honeymoon phase fizzles. That USUALLY can happen around the 3-6 months. Sometimes over almost 2 yrs later, but you kind of get a picture usually after 6 months.
I do see him not introducing you and taking you out to see his friends as a big NO NO. Don't you have any girlfriends that you can take out and you guys meet up together? I wouldn't want to ask him to take you out with his friends either. I would expect to be asked, but maybe you need to show him how it's feels. Start doing girlie stuff with others and get out of the house (make yourself look hot, hot, hot. Then actually one time go where he goes without batting an eye lash his way. I go to only one place and I always know that I will see someone their that gets upset. Not my problem, that is where we met, but it doesn't stop me from going). Don't invite him and if he starts wondering or asking, then you say that you feel like he's hiding you, so why should you go out in public with him? Doesn't have to be worded just like that, but make your point. Men hate the idea that their women could be picked up by someone else.
If you don't have any girlfriends, then you just need to tell him whats up. That you really like him, but you are young and have a need to be out and not cooped up in the house and if he doesn't understand that, then maybe you both aren't ment to click. That you are a mother, but you are a woman and you want your fun. BASTA!
In reality, I think your just getting bored from him. He doesn't give you the sizzle you want. Can you look past that and try to make things work then do it, otherwise, like you said, get rid of him, but make sure you aren't hurting afterwards. It has to be a sound decision.
Where are you stationed again? Not NC right? If I were in your neighborhood next week, I would take you out on the weekend. Then we would show him.