Don't you love her madly...
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| Sun, 03-04-2007 - 1:12pm |
don't you need her badly, don't you love her ways tell me what you say, don't you love her madly, wanna be her daddy, don't you love her face, don't you love her as she's walking out the door, like she did one thousand times before....
Yesterday was a good day. I worked from very early in the morning until mid-afternoon. Then the princess and I hung out for a while, and Spec called to confirm our date. We had planned to have dinner at his place, and just see from there.
He invited me to go bowling again(luckily I like it) with his sister and her husband after dinner. I was happy to agree, since I do enjoy it, and know that the company would be fun, happy, and lighthearted. It would also be public, and reaffirmed my feeling that he ISN'T only out for sex.
We had dinner at his place, then as we were kissing in the kitchen, his sister called. He told her we were on our way, and so we left. Good thing she called, as things were definitely heating up in that kitchen! Bowling was fun- I broke 100 for the first time ever! It was just the four of us this time, which was actually nice, since I had a chance to chat more with his sister and BIL. They are a lot of fun, and obviously crazy about each other and Spec. They aren't at all shy about their feelings for others, and it's a demonstrative family.
After bowling, we stopped at a little bar that had karaoke... Spec knew his parents might be there, and when he asked me if I'd like to stop, I was a little apprehensive. Meeting someone's sister is fine, but his parents? I wasn't too sure about it, since it seems like a major step. I finally said, "well, singing karaoke is fun, sure, let's stop" he wasn't pressuring me to, at all, and left the decision totally up to me- but he did say, "I'd like for you to meet my parents, and I know they'd like to meet you. They invited us to dinner, but I told them we already had other plans"...hmmmm
We did stop, though, and as soon as we walked in the door, the entire place- literally- greeted him. He might've been Norm on Cheers. It was odd for me, since even though I think I'm close to my family, and do have a couple of haunts where I might know a few people on any given night, it isn't ever like that for me. It wasn't at all uncomfortable, just this really relaxed atmosphere where everyone knows everyone else. It's a small town, and I'm from a small town, so I could easily grasp the flavor, and enjoyed it more than I would had we stayed in the city we were bowling in.
Not only were his parents there, but also three aunts, their husbands, another uncle, and some assorted cousins. It's VERY obvious this is a close family, since he said often on a Saturday night, you could find any number of his relatives singing karaoke. Obviously the other half enjoys bowling, since that's where I met a whole bunch of others. They could sing, too! A couple of them were drinking, but it was definitely more about the atmosphere than the booze, which is how I feel about bars and drinking, too. The entire bar was sort of like that- they sell a lot of food, and some people drink, but no one is there to get drunk, there were no hostile vibes, people were just having a good time. It was definitely my kind of place.
So, when Spec introduced me, he said to the group (who took up half the room), "everyone, this is Moody".. then he started telling me who was who and how they were related, which I knew I'd never remember, but his mom's brothers, his dad's sister... both sides were represented, and everyone was welcoming... one aunt immediately introduced herself, saying "Moody, so good to finally meet you, I'm Auntie Linda, but you just call me Auntie." Wow. Ok. Finally?! Obviously they've heard my name before.
Throughout the night, Auntie made several comments in regard to what a great catch Spec was, and how cute I was, and that we were beautiful together. Hmmm. Spec's mom, who was slightly more reserved than the effervescent and gregarious Auntie, commented at one point, "Auntie, leave the poor girl alone, she's probably overwhelmed by all of us, and since she's a keeper, we don't want to scare her off before Spec gets a chance to really latch on."
This family holds nothing back!
At one point or another in the evening, every single member of Spec's family, the owner of the bar, and the guy running the karaoke all mentioned to me that it was nice to meet me (several finally's thrown in there), Spec was a keeper, I was a keeper, we looked good together, and/or something very similar. Not at all what I'm used to, since although I always thought my family was close, these people were obviously best friends, and obviously up to date on the goings-on in each other's lives.
Spec sang several songs, we sang one together, danced a bunch of times, and really just had a good time. One thing that was new, but not bad, to me was that he's very demonstrative. During bowling and throughout the rest of the evening, he would hold my hand, rub my back, just a lot of casual touching in general. His parents (who live two houses down from Spec) left a while before we did, and Auntie and I were dancing while Spec was singing when they said their goodbyes. Instead of simply waving, shaking my hand, whatever people normally do when they say goodbye to virtual strangers, both of his parents hugged me goodbye, and his mother said as she was hugging me, "it was wonderful meeting you, I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot of each other." Whoa!!!
It isn't that that sentiment's unwelcome, really... just that obviously she knows her son, and we haven't even had that conversation yet. We're dating. He's exclusive- right now, he says. But must be him bringing people to meet his family tells them that he's serious about it. I don't know, really, how I feel about that.
His mother and I had been singing along throughout the night to songs, and some of the people there weren't nearly as good as his family- it's obvious that music, all types, is a big part of their lives. Yet another thing to like about him. But she and I had had a couple of light conversations about music, the people singing, etc... nothing heavy or major, really.
As we were leaving, we agreed to give an uncle a ride back to Spec's parents' house, since it was just down the road. Spec actually asked me if it would be okay- which thought was sweet, but kind of crazy- of course we could drive his uncle, why would that not be ok??
I insisted that the uncle ride in the front of Spec's truck, and as we were driving, the uncle said to Spec, "I know she's way too young for me, but do you think I can keep her?" We all laughed, and Spec replied, "I don't know, Unc, I think I might want to." So we dropped him off, and the two of them had filled me in on who lives where, how the family farm had been broken up between the siblings years and years ago, and who all of the neighbors were, and where all of the cousins lived.... again, another sign that this is an extremely close family, in proximity and in relationships.
We got back to Spec's house, talked a little, and enjoyed some behind-closed-doors entertainment of our own. This morning, at about 6:30, Spec woke up, and started chatting. We were both sleepy, but he offered to make breakfast, let me shower, loan me some sweats to wear home. Very sweet. I declined the offer of breakfast, since I knew I didn't have a lot of time before I needed to pick the princess up from my mom's. At about 9, my cell rang, and it was my parents' ringer.
I had left my phone in my purse in his kitchen, so he was headed to get a glass of water anyhow, and I asked him to bring it to me. He brought just my phone, rather than my entire purse, so I jokingly said, "Gee, just because your family liked me doesn't mean we're at the stage where you're allowed to go through my purse!" I knew my phone had been in its own little pocket on the outside of my purse, so it wasn't like he had breached any spacial boundaries, and he replied "It isn't just my family that likes you, you know."
We both agreed that living so far away from each other (it took me just about exactly an hour to get to his house) was a major hurdle to more regular dates and getting to a place where we knew we wanted to be in a relationship. The other thing we agreed was that the children issue would have to be discussed before we got to that point. After meeting his family, it's patently obvious that family is the absolute most important thing in their lives.
I can see, if you were raised in a family like his, how children would be very important to a guy. Just before I left this morning, he touched on the subject as I was getting dressed. He said, "You know, just because I do definitely want children of my own doesn't mean that I couldn't love children that weren't mine just as much as I loved my own." We had been talking about our plans for the day (me to hang out with my children, him to hang out on his own.), and so it was a little out of the blue.
I was feeling just a little melancholy, since I'd had a wonderful time, but knew it would be a while before we see each other again, and was a little sad that the night was over. I know it's crazy, but sometimes, it just feels right. So, I thought I was hiding the melancholia well, and we were just having a simple chat when he brought up the kids thing. I knew I was really on my way out, and it wasn't the time to get into such a long discussion, nor are we ready for that yet. Or at least, I'm not. So I said "Well, even though I think I don't want any more kids, I know a lot of people who thought that and changed their minds. I haven't completely ruled out any possibilities yet, but I'm not saying I will definitely change my mind, either." We sort of left it at that, I kissed him goodbye and he walked me to the door.
He called about three minutes after I left his house, ostensibly to make sure I knew how to get back home. I'm sure he really just wanted to make sure I was okay with everything- which I am and was, since the directions are the absolute simplest. It's basically one road all the way. I kept that conversation light and short, and he said he'd call later.
So, at one point during the night's conversations- before we got back to his house, he brought up how quickly things had moved physically between us. I agreed, but then quoted QueenBun when I said "You can have amazing sex with someone without getting too attached initially." He said, "yes, you can, but if you're getting attached, find nothing you don't like about the person, AND have great sex, why would you stop yourself from getting attached?" My reply was that it took time to really know a person beyond chemistry, which was often immediate. I noted that since we'd both been in LTRs that didn't pan out, obviously this was true.
I'm trying very hard not to rush into things emotionally with Spec. I wholeheartedly agree with Queen that you CAN have sex and not get too attached. I am often able to do that- even if the sex is great! But, even though I know we don't truly know each other yet, I can definitely see myself wanting more with him and it has absolutely nothing to do with the wonderful sex. He's simply very likeable.
I know some people would have issues with SUCH a close family, but it's very important to me that any man I get involved in a relationship with has a good relationship with his family. I also know that I really like his family so far, which is also important to me. I like the fact that he's not only willing to sing karaoke, he's happy to, loves to dance, go bowling, is willing to try other things... he's not a wall-fly, which melds perfectly with me, since I definitely am not, either, and it's no fun for me to be out with a guy who only ever sits there or wants to watch a movie all the time. I like the fact that he's good at making plans, but willing to leave some wiggle room, or change them. Someone who is strident about planning and organziation wouldn't be good for me, since I'm definitely not.
I'm scared right now that the time and distance between us is going to be a huge hurdle we can't overcome. We are both busy, we do each have our own things going on, and we are both looking to settle into a relationship ultimately culminating in marriage. Can two people with a common goal (marriage) reach that goal together if they rarely have time to see each other? I'm not sure.
I also know I shouldn't be thinking so far ahead. I AM enjoying this for what it is, but realistically, I know that I need to think ahead, even if just in generalities, since there's no point in our spending any time trying to get to know one another better if logistically it wouldn't work out. I'm not unwilling to eventually move, but there's no way I could ever commute to work from his house- it would be a nearly two hour drive one way. Likewise for him. Right now, the kids issue isn't nearly as big to me as the distance one. He seems to be the opposite of that, which is okay for now.
Things will either continue to progress or they won't. Either way, I'm enjoying myself immensely when I do see him, and the amount of contact is good. I'm not good at all at being patient, but look where that's got me so far.
As always, comments, concerns, words of wisdom are welcome and appreciated!
Moody, looking for the walls that should be around her heart

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Judy, I agree with what you say about telling him about the distance thing, and how even though it is an inconvenience, right now it's also a blessing.
I also think that since I'm unaccustomed to openness, especially about feelings, in myself and in the guys I'm dating, I just don't always know how to handle it. This is very new to me.
As far as the Match thing- I feel a little hypocritical asking or questioning him about it when I'm the one who's not sure I am ready for exclusivity. I'm not active on Match anymore, but I am still talking to Cardio and exploring my options with other men. He has told me he isn't dating others, but we both deserve the chance to see if we want to, I guess.
I also stopped checking to see if he's still active, it was simply me driving myself crazy. It doesn't matter, since his actions to date have shown that he's into me, and right now, that's enough.
I feel like since I'm the one who is naturally emotionally gun-shy, I have to be the one who keeps this going slowly. Distance is on my side there, and if I can balance learning to be more open without being totally exposed, I think i can find a happy medium we both could live with, and if nothing ever comes of it, it'll teach me how to share more in other relationships.
As far as the children thing, I think if and when he ever brings it up, I'll definitely be honest, but right now I am enjoying the fact that that seems to be the only thing slowing him down. It isn't that he's pressuring or demanding or making me uncomfortable, it's just that he's so much more open than I'm used to, and I need time to adjust.
I don't know if I'm adequately describing what I'm trying to say... I suppose I am purposely keeping it from him, but it's a guarding mechanism that I can't part with just yet. I will discuss with him my feelings and concerns about the distance, but I am not ready yet to talk about my willingness to have more children. It's so early in this, I don't know if it would even be appropriate.
A part of me is still expecting him to walk away, much the same way so many others have done, and I honestly don't think it's been long enough for me to be totally rid of that fear. I have been pleasantly surprised by him many times thus far, and right now I'm willing to just enjoy the ride and try to stop thinking too much.
It's never a waste of time if you enjoy yourself, and so far I am, immensely.
Moody, very thoughtful today
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Hey Moody, I think you are having a break thru today... you are not overthinking ... you are doing the inside work that we all need to do so that when the right relationship comes along, we are READY and open. Keep up the good work. Believe it or not.. I'd be feeling the same way you are if I met a great guy like Spec is turning out to be...
And maybe he doesn't turn out to be the guy he's portraying... you are learning soooo much about yourself that it is worth it!! One day at a time....
Love,
Loonybunny
Hi Moody
Spec does sound like a keeper, and it doesn't look as if he is going to run away any time soon! It sounds like you need some time to adjust to someone who is so demonstrative, and although it seems so intense, it sounds like you're doing well keeping your heart in check. And it's nice that you are enjoying the ride, without thinking TOOOOOO much ;o)
I don't see the distance as too much of a problem. One hour doesn't seem like too much time to me...
I would be curious to know about the Match thing. It doen't make sense that he is still out-there and available if he is so into you... I wouldn't worry about it, but I do find it a little puzzling. Perhaps he is keeping his options open in case you let him down. But I am sure you are his first choice... :o)
I was surprised to read about the kids issue. I didn't realise that this could be an option for you, with the right person and the right relationship. I think it is really cool. I wish Monkey felt the same way, but he is pretty adamant about not wanting any kids of his own. He is so great with my two, that it can sometimes seem weird to me that he wouldn't want to be a bio-dad, but I knew that right from the start, and decided to accept that it wasn't to be.
Anyway, the Spec stories are great... I had a lot of catching up to do as I haven't been around for the last couple of weeks. DS had an operation, so I was happily devoting all my time to looking after him. He's doing well now.
Looking forward to the next instalment,
Clem xx
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