Doormat no more!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Doormat no more!!!
19
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 6:52pm

The saga of the disappearing man has really had me thinking. Before he blew me off, he suggested to me that I let my kids walk all over me and that I spend too much time thinking about what I SHOULD do versus what I WANT to do (i.e. people pleasing). So, in spite of the fact that I think he's an A$#%&LE, there were some merits to his comments.

I have done a couple of things lately that I hope will make me a much happier person and maybe, if I am lucky, meet a DECENT man.

First, I read the riot act to my teens. I love them to death, but I have let them be SO lazy. I hate when I come home after working two jobs (since their father flakes on CS) and there are dishes all over and piles of laundry and they just watch me clean. NO MORE. It was so much easier to just do everything for them rather than fight since our time is limited. But they take advantage and need to learn that it isn't right. So far I'm holding my ground, and they are not happy, but we're getting there.

Second, I am getting the state after my ex. He won't live up to his obligations, and I try to appease him and see it from his point of view to keep the peace, but he just takes advantage and gives me money in dribs and drabs and acts like he's doing me a favor.

Third, I am only going to have people in my life who are nice to me. No more putting up with cranks who want me to act and behave a certain way.

Fourth, I know everyone says I shouldn't do it, but I'm gonna. I am going to call the disappearing man. I don't even want him to pick up the phone, but I want to speak to his VM so that I can hear the words coming out of my mouth. I am going to tell him that what he did was mean, rude, and disrespectful and for a man who would talk about how others had hurt him or were mean, how exactly does he think that this doesn't hurt someone else? By ignoring me, he is saying that I meant nothing to him, and that is a really mean thing to do to someone.

I don't have any expectations of hearing from him. Why do I have to get his permission to get closure? By sitting back and doing nothing, I continue to wonder. This way, for me at least, I have the last word.

I am on a tear, ladies. Big changes are on the way, thanks to y'all!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 8:57pm
YOU ROCK WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 09-08-2008 - 9:05pm

Still working on it. DS had wet jeans for school this morning. That's what happens...

Tried to call the guy, but his voice mail box was full!!! That had happened before when he WAS accepting my calls, so I know it's possible. I was so annoyed! I had the whole thing worked out how I was going to say everything I needed in 30 seconds! I'm still going to do it, though. If for no other reason than these kinds of words and feelings have NEVER escaped from my mouth before, and I want the practice.

Gonna take a break from men for a while. This work deserves my full attention!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 8:05am

Good for you and I am glad you posted your ideas. I could use them too. Let us know how it goes.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 9:44am

I am woman, hear me ROAR! lol


Sometimes you just get to a point where you are like "NO MORE!" & it feels GOOD!


1. Kiddos - i k now how sometimes it just easier to do it yourself. But in the long run you are doing yourself a disservice, THEM a disservice & their future partners (or college roomates, lol) as well.


2. Garnish those wages.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 9:49am
Keep up with those kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 11:01am

YES! YES! YES!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 1:43pm

Awesome!


I know sometimes it takes a breaking point to finally get up and take charge..and you've hit that point. Good for you! Your kids will learn. Stay on them and reward them for doing stuff voluntarily when they do..and they will learn. And rock on with your message to mr ghost. Say your peace and feel good about it! Then let him go for good out of mind. Even IF he calls back which is unlikely.


I'm feeling your new found strength and inspiration! No go get 'em!!


pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 1:46pm
Kids usually respond to some boundaries.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 5:01pm

Thanks to all for the encouragement. It's so true, I just got to the breaking point and figured what have I got to lose? How much worse can it get.

1. Kids are starting to understand that wet jeans suck at 7 am when it's 60 degrees outside and you better make sure your stuff is dry. And the dishwasher was run before I got home from work! My son washed pot without being asked!

2. Not only am I working two jobs, I just took on a third because the kids need so much stuff. The ex just plays all day, doesn't even call the kids regularly and hasn't seen DD since beginning of July and DS since June! He only lives two hours away. Why should I let him get away with this?

3. Mean people can't be around me. No gossips at work, no whiners. And my family needs to stop telling me what to do (cause they second guess me ALL the time).

4. Mr. Ghost: tried a couple of times to call and kept getting a full VM box. So I sent a text, thinking a)he probably has some sort of blocking or b)he'll just delete it. But I wanted those words out.

So I said "the silence is mean, rude and devaluing. You could have spoken to me w/o fear that I would freak. You underestimated me. Considering how you talked about people having been mean to you, how do you justify doing this?"

Sent the text, figured closure was now mine. I would never have done that in the past, just licked my wounds. Put my phone on my desk, went back to check the time a little while later and HE TEXTED ME BACK with an apology and asking if he could call me later. I took about 4 hours to get back to him. Gave a time but not holding out hope or, frankly, really caring if he does call. After all, it's either a "sorry, but..."(what I am expecting) call or a "forgive me" call.

The first one, geez, that's easy, he could just text me with that one, but the other would require me to think about if I could even trust this guy again. Either way, I am getting my closure, which is all that I wanted, so in the end, I'm glad I did it.

GIRL POWER!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 5:45pm

Eeek! I'm not sure I could handle that call. Or would want to. If a guy up and ghosted me without being hospitalized I'd be too ticked to talk to him. But what good does anger do anyway. So I'll hope for the best if he does call...for the best I mean just closore only. IMO he's not worth giving another shot unless he proves that he just woke up from a comma.


Yay about your son washing a pot UNASKED!! lol....it is the small things, isnt it??

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs

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