To dump or not to dump?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
To dump or not to dump?
13
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:09am
Some of you may remember me posting several weeks ago about this guy I started dating and him re-posting his ad after telling me he had taken it off. Well, I have accepted his explanation that it was an error, and we moved on. Sort of. The thing is that since we’ve become intimate, there had been a significant change in our interaction. It’s like he’s blocked out everything else. When we first started, we’d talk on the phone pretty much every day, sometimes he’d call several times, and we’d have nice long conversations. Same with emails. Well, all that went downhill, emails and phone calls became few and far between, and his only reason for wanting to see me seemed to be to hop in bed.

So, I expressed my dissatisfaction with that state of affairs last week. Told him I know I have more to offer than just a romp in the bedroom, and I expect more than a romp in the bedroom from my partner. He admitted that he’s been acting shallowly, said that he hadn’t been intimate with anyone for over a year, and that probably was one of the reasons for his over-eagerness in that area.

(A bit of background: he is not officially divorced yet, separated in February, and his STBXW is giving him a hard time. His teenage daughter lives with him and pretty much refuses to see her mother. His court date has been delayed several times because they can’t agree on things. So I’m thinking he’s just not emotionally done with that relationship, and therefore unable to invest emotionally in a new relationship. I was concerned from the start about him not being divorced, but didn’t put the brakes on like I probably should have.)



Here’s the thing: while I certainly enjoy being an object of someone’s desire, his single-minded desire seems to have turned me off of him completely. We haven’t seen each other since the weekend before last (scheduling difficulties), and I can’t say I’m missing him too much. He is trying to call more often and keep the conversations neutral, but it’s not the same, something is gone. Never once has he said that he misses me, or called because he was thinking about me, or anything of that nature. The emotional connection is not there (that I can feel), and it makes me want to look elsewhere.

So, I’ve agreed to a date to go dancing on Friday night, with a new guy. Is it so wrong of me? I have not said anything to the first guy, nor do I plan to. In fact, I think I will see him on Thursday, and that might be the time to do the dumping. No point wasting my time and his. Right? Or am I being too harsh and having unreasonable expectations?

Let me know what you girls think.

Thanks!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:16am
Keep your date with the new guy. When a guy loses interest in you the phone conversations taper off. The things you talk about aren't meaniful. He keeps you at arm's length.

The guy who isn't divorced yet, isn't ready for a steady relationship with you. You might hang around hoping things will change, but they probably won't. You'll wait for things to get good again and it will just go down hill. His interest in sex will taper off too. He'll start making even more excuses why he can't see you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:41am

I am sorry to say this but it really made me think of this new trendy phrase

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:34pm

On the guy you've been seeing. His divorce isn't final. Meaning he is married. MARRIED. Dump him. NOW. NOW, NOW, NOW. And the fact that once you had sex that is the only thing on his mind? Means he doesn't have the emotional well being to BE in a relationship right now. Sex is all he can handle. Again. Dump him. Now, now, now.

Go on the date Friday night. Oh, dancing! Wear a dress or skirt that twirls, sexy shoes, and have fun!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:56pm

Ok, I'd like to play the devil's advocate for a moment if you will indulge me:


WHY do we say to women on this board so often "It's ok, Your divorce isn't final, but go for it! Have fun. Date!!!" BUT, when we have a woman who is dating a married man (the opposite situation) why do we say "RUN!! Run run run!!!"


I would think the male friends are saying the same thing to their buddy. "Her divorce isn't final yet? It's taken over a year? OMG! Get OUT of that!"


Just curious. Certainly not pointing fingers. Just seemed rather like a double standard to me.


(but I do agree that it's obvious sex is all that is on his mind, galkafre. If that's not all you want, then yes, I think you ought to move on. He'll adjust his behavior for

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:02pm

i agree Becky on the divorce separation thing and dating...


I think its ok if the 2 married parties are in fact separate and the issues have been worked thru and agreed upon and the divorce documents are written up!


HEY I admit - Jerry wasnt divorce yet. Niether was I! But our soon to be exes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:08pm
I think there is a huge difference between dating and having fun while waiting for the divorce to come through and being in a relationship. I don't think women who are still married, waiting for that divorce to come through, have any business being in a relationship, nor do I think men do. I think, no matter how long it has been, that those divorce papers being entered are the nail in the coffin, they bring forward some last, unexpected emotions that must be dealt with before anyone should enter a relationship. You want to go have coffee? Have coffee. You want to go dancing? Go dancing. You want to sleep with someone? Sleep with someone. But no emotional attachments, because I see WAY too many women (and men! My ex and HIS ex come to mind! My sister and her THREE ex's come to mind! My girlfriend and her ex come to mind!) that are fresh out of a marriage, not divorced, that rebound into relationships that are completely wrong for them, completely not what they need, but they are so afraid of being alone, so unsure of themselves, that they jump right in anyhow.

And whether or not their male friends are shouting "run, run! She's not divorced!" depends on whether the guy really likes her, is just sleeping with her, and how "hot" she rates on their scale!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:12pm
depends on whether the guy really likes her, is just sleeping with her, and how "hot" she rates on their scale!





LOL!!!! Too true, I am sure!
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:14pm
Thanks all for confirming that my instincts are correct, and dumping is the way to go. While he has modified his behavior slightly, it's not dramatic enough for my taste to demonstrate that he cares about me and not just parts of my anatomy. Call me picky. ; )

To offer a possible explanation to Becky's double standard question, here's what I think: women who start dating while not quite divorced do it much later in the process than the men, and are more ready emotionaly for a new relationship, rather than just looking for sex. If they do start dating for just sex, they might do a better job of communicating that that's all they want to the guy they are dating. At the risk of making broad generalizations, I would guess there are a lot fewer women (divorced, and especially with kids) who are looking for purely sexual relationships than there are men.

I might be wrong, but that's my perception anyway.

Galina

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:33pm

At the risk of making broad generalizations, I would guess there are a lot fewer women (divorced, and especially with kids) who are looking for purely sexual relationships than there are men.
I might be wrong, but that's my perception anyway.


I agree with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:49pm
I would make a clean dump on the first one based on the following:

1) not ready for what you want based on divorce situation - he needs to get through that and take time to heal

2) he does just want the sex based on his behavior

Good luck with your upcoming dance - tell us more about the new guy!!

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