dumped because of parenthood

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
dumped because of parenthood
10
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 10:44pm
I had been dating a guy--just dating--for a month or the equivalent of about 6 dates. He called it off tonight because he was "spooked" (his words) by the fact that I have a child, or what he calls "the insta-family." I'm so annoyed because we were not even close to having a commitment or having the fact that I have a child play any sort of factor in our relationship. Is this a common problem for single mothers who are playing the dating game? Or did he just use this as an excuse because he's not that into me? (To be frank, I wasn't all that into him, but I did enjoy dating him.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 2:12am

Excuse, excuse, excuse!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 11:56am

He might have very well have been spooked about the single mom thing. Many guys do this because they don't realize what it entails or their friends freak them out with comments.

It is better to know now than later. Some mind the child thing and some think it is cool. You just have to wait for the latter.

If you weren't that into him it is all for the better. You should not be dating just to date - but making sure there is that click. Maybe he sensed that too.

Good luck - welcome to our board - we hope you will stay and participate - there is lots of good advice for you here. I know I have learned a LOT!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 12:22pm
Thanks, both of you, for your thoughtful posts. I realize I should not be dating just for dating's sake: to be completely honest, I was hoping to "utilize" (sounds better than use) the experience to get over a real heartbreak. Big shocker: it didn't work. I realize I'm back to square one having to deal with the underlying broken heart I was trying to avoid and then on top of that I have doubts about wanting to enter the dating scene again, thanks to Mr. Kids Spook Me. Good news is I'm going in for some counseling on Tuesday to deal with the broken heart and try to move on. Actually, the first step is going to be to learn to WANT to move on. I'm still in denial/bargaining stage where I keep hoping a miracle will happen and I'll wake up and he'll still be in love with me. Very sad. Anyway, thank you for your kindness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 3:32pm

You know what? That is perfectly normal to want to fix a broken heart by finding someone else. I used to be the master of that - and it does work initially. But I think that it causes a bigger problem in the end because you make a poor choice with the "fix."

I think it is great that you are going in for counseling. Please report back as to what you find out - we love to learn here!! It is sad that you are trying to get over a love and broken heart - but time away with no contact with that person will be the best medicine - and counseling, too, of course.

The best fix for a broken heart is time away from the dating scene. And that has been my focus for a while. I just got off the merry-go-round of dating and going from relationship to relationship. I worked on me. And now I am very happy alone and it is going to take someone really great to get me. The difference in me and what I would choose now is HUGE as compared to 3 years ago.

I hope you use this time well, as I have. Do you have any career goals? Or hobbies or interests? Or stuff you want to do around the house?

It has helped for me to look at this time alone as an opportunity to attain what I would not be able to attain if I was with someone. I have almost gotten carried away with this. I am busy signing up for triathlon training and races, fixing the house, shopping, buying a puppy, fixing my teeth and now working on a certification for my career. I feel like a teenager whose parents are on a trip!! :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 4:42pm
Ugh. This guy emailed me today and said he's sorry, he really likes me but it's "too much too soon." WTF?! We were JUST DATING! I don't think I'll ever understand the secret language of men. So now I have two messages from him: (1) I like you but I don't want to date someone with kids and (2) I like you but it's moving too fast. I have no way of reconciling the two. I really shouldn't obsess over it, I know, because I don't care too much about HIM, but I do want to understand what that means in manspeak. Any ideas?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 5:23pm

Were you two intimate at any point in your dating?

I would read his message that he is just overwhelmed with you and your situation. Maybe it is just his perception. There is nothing you can say or do to fix it - just move on.

I would not be too concerned unless you are getting this same reaction time and again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 7:16pm
Yes, we "did it." Do you think that has something to do with it? After we did it, I felt that we were moving too fast and said as much. We didn't do it again after that. The plot thickens...
I am moving on; I'm just perplexed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 11:23pm

Thing is, he probably would've reacted the same even without the kids.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:31pm
It was just a convenient excuse. It's not uncommon for people to get spooked after a few dates. I would be extremely offended by his "insta family" remark. He sounds very immature.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:56pm

Hi! I am new to the board. I am a single mother w/2 kids 7 & 4. Divorced 2.5 yrs. I think you need to move on, not only b/c he sounds immature, but b/c this is surely only a sign of things to come. I am speaking from experience trust me. I just broke up with my boyfriend b/c he seemed to be having issues with being able to handle all of the responsibility that a mother w/2 kids has. He thought he could handle it and was great in the time we were together, but after we started talking marriage he seems to have "freaked out." I am telling you it was a heartbreaker, so better to know early on if this is a problem.

LOL