Eight Tips NOT to sabotage your dating
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| Tue, 01-09-2007 - 8:35am |
I found this article on enotalone.com - they have quite a few good articles that are based on dating books. Thought it would be good to share here:
Eight Tips To Not Sabotage Your Relationships With Men
Excerpted from The Dating Cure: The Prescription For Ms. Picky, Ms. Eternal Bachelorette, Ms. All About Me, Ms. Can't Let Go, And Ms. Matrimony
by Rhonda Findling
Tired of unhealthy relationships? Sick of running on the dating treadmill and seeing the same losers over and over again? The Dating Cure has the remedy!
True, there are a lot of jerks out there-but maybe, just maybe, some of the problem lies with you. Whether you are Ms. Picky, Ms. All About Me, or Ms. Eternal Bachelorette, The Dating Cure is full of helpful and fun information to help you identify and change the negative dating patterns that could be keeping you from finding that elusive healthy long-term relationship.
Tip # 1 - Don't Call Him First
In other words, don't make yourself so emotionally available right away. While it's unhealthy to play games with men, it's human nature that when someone is too available in your face, your desire for them starts to diminish, because they are not a challenge. Although, there's nothing wrong with calling men when you feel like it, being too available to a man can decrease your chances of having a successful relationship.
For instance, if you just had a great date with a man, wait for him to call you first, no matter how bubbling over with excitement you are. You can show or tell him your positive feelings for him when he's initiated the contact.
Often a man has to experience your absence in order for him to fantasize about and desire you. If you're too available, he doesn't get an opportunity to miss you and yearn for you.
Tip # 2 - Don't be so compliant!
When you're dating a man don't be such a pushover!
If you're too compliant think about why you're so anxious to please him. Are you afraid he'll reject you if you don't do whatever he wants? Do some soul searching and try to find out what's at the core of your deep need to please. Here are some other tips to help you overcome your pushover tendencies:
* Have boundaries and limits. If he asks you to do anything you don't want to do, just say "no" - that's setting a boundary
* If you set a limit and you get rejected, it means your man can't accept boundaries. So it's good that he's gone. Let him go - you deserve someone who respects your limits
* Be assertive and express your needs and desires.
* Be edgy. Being a little on the unpredictable side can be very exciting to a man.
Tip # 3 - Don't keep making the same lousy choices in men.
You'll learn more about making smart choices in men in later chapters , but for now you need to know that if you keep choosing men who are inappropriate and don't have the capacity for a relationship, you're definitely Sabotaging your success for healthy relationships.
Tip # 4 - Stop Blaming It On Yourself
When a man rejects you whether you've gone on just one date or had a relationship stop thinking it's because of something you did. Take a step back and realize its not all about you.
Some women will literally cling to their image of "what a loser" they are, refusing to look at other reasons for a relationship not lasting, blaming the man's lack of interest on their hair, body, weight, job, face, personality. They focus on their own self hatred rather than the men's ambivalent behavior.
So going forward, part of your work is to look at the whole picture-including the man and his issues-and not just at yourself
Tip # 5 - Stop Being Naïve!
Sometimes women will know a man is "bad news" but rather be in denial or believe that he is going to miraculously change. They don't want to see or accept what's right in front of their eyes.
For instance, the man you're dating only sees you during the week, and not on the weekends. Or he doesn't give you his home phone number or address. This could indicate that there is another woman in his life-or it might mean that he's married.
Be sharp. If you ignore your gut and don't deal with the truth now you'll just have to deal with it later. Then it might be too late because you'll be attached, more vulnerable and possibly in love.
Tip # 6 - Do not waste time on men with severe emotional problems.
Once you recognize that a man has severe emotional problems, run for your life. Emotional problems can include drug addition, alcoholism or abusive behavior. The following is a list of abusive behaviors:
* He yells at you
* He argues with you
* He lies to you
* He manipulates you
* He says cruel things to you
* He intimidates you
* He threatens you
* He refuses to talk to you as a punishment
You know you've been abused if you regularly experience the following feelings with the man you're dating.
* Powerlessness
* Helplessness
* Humiliation
* Fear
* Degradation
* Shame
* If you're being abused you must acknowledge it. You can't conquer something if you deny its existence.
Tip # 7 - Don't act out your emotional issues with men you're dating
Be conscious and aware of how you relate to the men your dating. Don't reenact issues from your past, be it your parents or old boyfriends, with a new man in your life. Try to keep emotions separate from a new relationship. If you're feeling insecure or anxious due to psychological issues your struggling with or those are being stirred up by a man you're dating, try not to act out these feelings. Turn to your support system instead.
Don't
* Yell
* Be sarcastic
* Be cruel
* Humiliate him
* Insult him
* Criticize him
* Be nasty
* Be mean spirited
* Hit him
* Push him
* Call him names
* Be judgmental
Instead, here are some suggestions of some healthier ways to relate to the men your dating.
* Treat him as you would like to be treated
* Think about what words come out of your mouth
* Don't just impulsively react
* If you're angry, take a deep breath, step away, go back to the earlier chapters and make a plan how to cope with your feelings.
* Don't just blindly repeat your parents' behavior - emotionally separate from them and make different choices on how to handle your relationships with men.
Tip # 8 - Don't cling.
Nothing turns off a man faster than a desperately clingy woman. Usually, women cling because they are afraid of being abandoned. So if you start panicking at the mere hint of rejection, work through your anxiety about losing him with people in your support system or your therapist.
Clinging does not make a man more mindful about his relationship with you. If anything, it only makes you look desperate, which often turns men off and causes them to distance further.
Allow him to have his space and when he does contact you then you can decide if you want to confront him about the way he relates to you, or if you just want to leave it alone.
Strengthen your emotional muscle regarding your fear of his rejection. When he's not around, work on "you" and making yourself feel more emotionally independent and powerful so that deep down you know you can survive if he does disappear. Then you won't have to be clingy!
Chapter 19
Tips on Dealing with Difficult Men
Here are some guidelines to help you emotionally protect yourself when dating men who have difficulties with relationships.
1. There's nothing wrong with changing your phone number.
If you're trying to end a relationship with a man who is ambivalent or traumatizing you, then changing your phone number is a way for you to set firm limits and boundaries. There's nothing wrong with it and in fact, I suggest doing this if you have difficulty saying no to him. Also, you won't have to know or wonder whether he's trying to call you.
2. Talk Up!
Don't just take everything a man says to you at face value. If he comes up with a ridiculous reason or excuse for what he says or does, then say something. Don't set a precedent that you're a pushover . Let him know from the first date that you're not a fool, and that you have a mind of your own.
3. His reality isn't your reality
His reality may be a case he builds up to support his fear of commitment. For instance, he tells you it's better to date more than one person at a time or it's better to see each other on Sunday night rather than Saturday night. That's his opinion! You don't have to agree with him. Stick to your own reality.
4. Don't let him downgrade the relationship.
If you've been dating exclusively and he wants to start dating other people, don't do it! Why would you anyway? Aren't you insulted that he doesn't want to have sex just with you anymore? His changing the nature of the relationship might mean that he met another woman or just isn't that interested in you, or can't sustain a relationship. It's a waste of your time and will end up traumatizing you. Cut your losses and leave.
5. Doting on him won't make him commit to you.
Catering to a man and being his "love slave" (cooking for him, doing his laundry, giving him money), just makes you look codependent unless he is reciprocating all your giving behavior. It's human nature to take advantage of people. So make sure that you're not setting yourself up to be exploited and used.
6. Don't tolerate "partial relationships"
Partial relationships are:
check You only see him during the week, never on the weekends.
check Relationships with men that never go anywhere.
check Relationships with men that are involved with other women.
check He only wants to see you when he is in the mood, at his convenience
Partial relationships are a way for him to get his needs met (sexual, companionship, etc,) without his having to deal with his anxiety or issues about commitment. It's nothing but a compromise, and you get the raw end of the deal.
7. Stop analyzing him.
I know he's an orphan, his mother left him when he was three, his wife cleaned him out, yada, yada, yada. Although it's sad and your heart goes out to him, if he dumped you or sees other women behind your back, etc., his traumas are no reason to accept his bad unloving treatment of you. The damage he incurs by other people in his past could be targeted towards you, if it doesn't go untreated. Although it is beneficial to understand the reason behind the inconsistent rejecting behavior, if you use it to rationalize his bad treatment of you you're setting yourself up for a wasting a lot of precious time on a man who's just not going to come through for you.
If a man is in a deep committed relationship with you, with a future and has a traumatic past then it's appropriate to feel sorry for him and be empathic and understanding. However, if he's hurting or traumatizing you, refer him to a shrink and wish him luck.
8. Know when to cut your losses and leave.
I understand how much you may want to be in love and how much you adore the man you're seeing, but if he starts playing head games with you and is not genuine and authentic about wanting a serious relationship with you:
check Remember that you will squander time which can be detrimental and even self destructive if you are in your childbearing years, and want a family.
check Every breakup is a trauma so the longer you stay with him the longer it will take you to recover.
If a man breaks up with you and wants to just stay friends or have a partial relationship, the relationship will most likely not go anywhere, or completely deteriorate. Get out! Drop him! Don't let him waste your time, traumatizing you for the next man who's out there, who may be genuinely looking for a relationship and doesn't want to waste your time with a self serving arrangement that he wants at his convenience.
© 2005 by Rhonda Findling
About the Author
Rhonda Findling is a psychotherapist and relationship expert with a private practice in Forest Hills, New York and New York City. She has appeared on TV and radio nationwide including RIcki Lake, Geraldo, Maury Povich, and Good Day New York. She has been featured in Cosmopolitan, the LA Times, Complete Woman and the New York Post. She is the author of Don't Call that Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go and her debut novel Mounring Lossses a story of a woman's recovery from a passionate but obsessive love for an ambivalent man.

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I really like the section on dealing with difficult men, especially the partial relationship paragraph. It's amazing to me how often a man can get a woman to accept the partial relationship.
"I'll see you when I see you." It's a loose relationship with part-time companionship, sex only every now and then. No committed intimacy or emotional investment.
AGREED! That was always my mistake - with my exh and some others I have dated since the divorce. I just headed a recent one off at the pass and refuse his calls because he is this way. NOT! NEXT!!
I really did like that article and hope others did, too!
I really needed to read "don't call him first". This is a habit of mine- when I'm into a guy, I always want to call him. I've learned to give out my number and not take his, since then I simply can't call.
"Don't cling" was also a great tip for me- bottom line, though, now that I've gotten busy with my own hobbies and goals, I don't have time to be clingy.
Great article, great advice!
Moody, feeling wiser by the minute
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This is so good for me to read--and describes me, also--but hopefully in the past. There is one thing I would love people's feedback about, and that is calling to thank someone. What if they take you out to a great concert, play, opera, sporting event--isn't it polite to call them and thank them? I would be a little put out if I took someone out and spent mucho $ and didn't get a thank you. I just wonder if that's a little rude?
Mary (clueless about a lot)
Mary, you're not any more clueless than a lot of us. There aren't any set in stone answers when it comes to dating. Bottom line, you have to do what feels right for you, even if it wouldn't work for me. The great thing about a forum like this is you can consider things you might not have thought of.
As far as calling to thank a guy, I usually only do this if I had a really great time and want to see the guy again, and we made no definite plans for that. My thanking him is an excuse for me to contact him, whereby giving him the opportunity to take the hint and ask me out again. I usually always thank the guy at the end of the date, but sometimes I'll say something like "Hi, I'm calling because I realized I hadn't properly thanked you for the wonderful time we had." It is up to him to figure out the rest. If I was feeling really bold, I might add, "and I'd love to do it again sometime..."
That is just me, and not all women are like me. I know some who will use email for this purpose, a few days after the date. Others say thank you at the end of the date (which I do if I know I don't want to see the guy again, or am not into him enough to contact him) and make it clear that they're either up for another or not.
Actually, this is what I've been doing with Double D- thanking him at the end of the date, and agreeing with him when he says he wants to do it again. Although I did invite him to a specific thing today, but I didn't have to call him for that. So... that's that.
Moody, not much of a caller, I guess
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I would definitely mention how much I am enjoying the concert while on the date. And I would thank him at the end and emphasize that I really appreciate the opportunity to go and that I enjoyed the music.
I would not call to thank him if it is only a first or second date.
I think for me the difference is that Double D is a man, whereas I've been dating guys. Men do what they say they will, have their own things going on but are genuinely interested in your life, and are honest.
This board has been good for me, too- not only as my own personal sounding board, but also because I can see what other women are dealing with. I think I've grown a lot in the last year or so, definitely thanks in part to all of you women!
I also think that people treat others only the way they are allowed to- and Judy, you're so right on about the NEXT thing- sometimes it's what's needed, and now I can see that clearly. Luckily it isn't needed for me yet, but I know it's there and always an option, with anyone I have met. There's no need to be unhappy, for any of us.
Moody, thankful for all of you!
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Good article!! I agree with everything that was written.
There's a couple other big things that I've noticed....if you chase them, they WILL run. You got to change things up every now and then also so they won't grow tired, and you don't become too predictable. Call in the morning instead of at night, if you call 3 times in one day, call once the next, twice the next, none the following, lol. Some people try to say that women need to hold back on their feelings, but I think it is alright to express your postive feelings as long as you do it in a direct way "Honey you mean the world to me", and leave it at that.
When a man is behaving badly, or treating you badly...I don't see ANY need to verbally express this to him. He KNOWS what he's doing, so I think the best bet is to bite your tongue and just show him with your actions that you don't like what he did. He doesn't call on time? Well when he does call let him talk to your machine, and then phone him back when it's convienient for you, if you feel like it, lol.
Some people try to say that this is playing games, but it is in NOOOOO way any more playing games than how some people are clingy/needy......in both cases you are trying to make yourself happy, and attract him, just one method works better than the other.
Guys seemed to have changed, so we need to adjust to this change as well....so we aren't always the ones bending to give them what they want. (Not saying all men are bad, just that there seems to be a trend from my perspective anyways, lol).
I'm rambling....night! :)
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